I, squirrel_e_girl, this very second, commit to dropping at least 1 (one) F-Bomb per post.
Kinda classes things up a bit.
(why the f@$k did I create a pseudonym that requires me to use the shift key multiple times??)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Well ... You Don't See That Everyday.
Holy F@$k!! I just saw a TANK with 4-6 heavily armed soldiers turn
around in the driveway across from my house.
It was like "Red Dawn" all over again...but without Patrick Swayze.
around in the driveway across from my house.
It was like "Red Dawn" all over again...but without Patrick Swayze.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Can't Live With the Little Bastards. Can't Live Without 'Em.
So...I 'm in a bit of a quandary. You could say that I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or, that I am caught in a cleft stick. Possibly, I am drifting somewhere between the Devil and the deep blue sea. Perhaps even, torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool.
Quite simply, I am embroiled in a serious crisis of faith.
I have been invaded by squirrels... And not by my figurative squirrels - those I can manage (mostly). My world has been disrupted by a swarm of squirrels ... Real Ones.
Well, OK.... Perhaps 'swarm' is overstating a little. Last count put us at 2 (maybe 4) red squirrels and 1 (possibly 2) black squirrel(s).
The actual numbers matter not at all, really. It's the very fact that there is even 'a' real live, moving around squirrel (let alone several) hanging out at my bird feeder that is the source of my inner turmoil...for reasons I will state below.
Reason #1. It is a BIRD feeder ... intended to feed BIRDS... not squirrels.
This winter, I have derived enormous heaps of pleasure.... and tranquility... and excitement (quite a feat of diversity when you stop and think about it) from the simple act of watching birds eat. I have serenely looked on as my feathery flock has grown from a lone chickadee to 2 chickadees. Then from 2 chickadees to 3. Then from 3 chickadees to 47... With a pair of nuthatches, a couple of downy woodpeckers, a bunch of goldfinches and a whole lotta common redpolls sprinkled in to spice things up a bit. I have LOVED every single minute of my bird feeding experience. LOVED it. LOVED. It.
And now the squirrels monopolize the feeder, leaving my wee little birds to flit around on empty tummies. AND the squirrels are eating me out of house and home. AND they are messy...flinging seed all this way and that-like.
BUT...
I resigned myself to the notion that "Hey, squirrels are cute little living creatures of The Universe, too. They deserve a tasty morsel now and then to help them through these cold snowy months"...and I was at peace with this change in feeder clientele.
Besides, as mentioned in a previous post...
I heart squirrels. A lot.
They are hilarious. It is super duper entertaining to watch as they devise ways to actually get to the feeder. You see, the feeders are suspended from the eavestrough in front of my living room window and the squirrels have to scale the side of the house up to the window sill, then leap through the air onto one of three feeders and then hold on for dear life as the feeders swing and sway from the force of their landing....hee hee...it's super funny. Some can't hang on so they plummet to the ground below in a very satisfying fashion. We trickily adjusted the height of the feeders thus rendering the leaping into the air method useless. They now have to peek over the edge of the eaves and shimmy down the chain and then somehow manage to slide down over the roof of the feeder to get to the goods. Words cannot express the sheer adorable-ness of a little squirrelly face peering upside down trying to align itself with a chain. The acrobatic little bastards certainly have to work for their supper...And be adorable ... And provide me with entertainment. "Amuse me, rodent!" No free ride here, thank you very much.
So, that issue worked itself out nicely and we established a new bird/squirrel feeder status quo. Life is good...different but good. I have adapted.
EXCEPT...
Reason B. My dog recently realized that occasionally there appears a squirrel that dangles... precariously ....enticingly .... mere inches from his living room...and this causes him to LOSE HIS F@#KING MIND.
Again. And again. And again.
He paces. He whines. He pants. He squeaks. He scratches. He climbs. He drools. He barks. He barks. He whines. He drools. He barks. He whines. He barks. He scratches. He barks.
Again. And again. And again.
And this causes me to LOSE My F@#KING MIND.
Again. And again. And again.
My peaceful meditative serenity has been shattered. My blissful chickadee viewing buzz has been killed. And the tasteful decor of my living room has been marred by the addition of two plastic baby gates that together serve as an anti-Wheaten barrier protecting the wood trim and the window from my lunatic dog's relentless and indescribably annoying attacks.
The most obvious solution to this desperate situation is to simply remove the feeders.
No more sunflower seeds = No more squirrels.
No more squirrels = No more idiotic freak outs from my dog.
No more idiotic freak outs from my dog = No more idiotic freak outs from my self.
No more idiotic freak outs from my self = Peace and quiet.
But at what cost???
No more sunflower seeds = No more chickadees.
No more chickadees = A gaping void in my world.
All this because of a swarm of squirrels.
But remember... I heart squirrels. A lot.
Or do I?
You can see my predicament.
Quite simply, I am embroiled in a serious crisis of faith.
I have been invaded by squirrels... And not by my figurative squirrels - those I can manage (mostly). My world has been disrupted by a swarm of squirrels ... Real Ones.
Well, OK.... Perhaps 'swarm' is overstating a little. Last count put us at 2 (maybe 4) red squirrels and 1 (possibly 2) black squirrel(s).
The actual numbers matter not at all, really. It's the very fact that there is even 'a' real live, moving around squirrel (let alone several) hanging out at my bird feeder that is the source of my inner turmoil...for reasons I will state below.
Reason #1. It is a BIRD feeder ... intended to feed BIRDS... not squirrels.
This winter, I have derived enormous heaps of pleasure.... and tranquility... and excitement (quite a feat of diversity when you stop and think about it) from the simple act of watching birds eat. I have serenely looked on as my feathery flock has grown from a lone chickadee to 2 chickadees. Then from 2 chickadees to 3. Then from 3 chickadees to 47... With a pair of nuthatches, a couple of downy woodpeckers, a bunch of goldfinches and a whole lotta common redpolls sprinkled in to spice things up a bit. I have LOVED every single minute of my bird feeding experience. LOVED it. LOVED. It.
And now the squirrels monopolize the feeder, leaving my wee little birds to flit around on empty tummies. AND the squirrels are eating me out of house and home. AND they are messy...flinging seed all this way and that-like.
BUT...
I resigned myself to the notion that "Hey, squirrels are cute little living creatures of The Universe, too. They deserve a tasty morsel now and then to help them through these cold snowy months"...and I was at peace with this change in feeder clientele.
Besides, as mentioned in a previous post...
I heart squirrels. A lot.
So, that issue worked itself out nicely and we established a new bird/squirrel feeder status quo. Life is good...different but good. I have adapted.
EXCEPT...
Reason B. My dog recently realized that occasionally there appears a squirrel that dangles... precariously ....enticingly .... mere inches from his living room...and this causes him to LOSE HIS F@#KING MIND.
Again. And again. And again.
He paces. He whines. He pants. He squeaks. He scratches. He climbs. He drools. He barks. He barks. He whines. He drools. He barks. He whines. He barks. He scratches. He barks.
Again. And again. And again.
And this causes me to LOSE My F@#KING MIND.
Again. And again. And again.
The most obvious solution to this desperate situation is to simply remove the feeders.
No more sunflower seeds = No more squirrels.
No more squirrels = No more idiotic freak outs from my dog.
No more idiotic freak outs from my dog = No more idiotic freak outs from my self.
No more idiotic freak outs from my self = Peace and quiet.
But at what cost???
No more sunflower seeds = No more chickadees.
No more chickadees = A gaping void in my world.
All this because of a swarm of squirrels.
But remember... I heart squirrels. A lot.
Or do I?
You can see my predicament.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Have Minion. Will Declutter.
Throw back the curtains!! Crank open the windows!! Wrap my head in one of those cute do-rag thingys!! Pull off the stupid f*#king bandana that refuses to miraculously transform itself into a snappy but functional bit of headwear, crumple it up and toss it behind a pile of books!!! Turn up the tunes and break out the Swiffer!! It's time to clean this joint up!!
You may wonder..."What's with all this unbridled enthusiasm??"
And then you will most likely answer yourself ..."Must have something to do with the fact that it's the end of March and that's when people typically set about doing their Spring Cleaning. Yes, I'm sure of it ...THAT is why she's whipping herself into a housecleaning frenzy."
Well, I'm sorry to break it to you... but you're wrong.
I, squirrel_e_girl, do not play slave to the dictates of the calendar and its presumptuous seasonal 'to do' list. Nor do I bow to societal pressure or the suggestive nature of television marketing.(I can't even begin to count how many commercials I've seen this last month shamelessly peddling bandanas)
That is NOT why I'm flinging myself into domestic decluttering with such reckless abandon.
The reason I am re-organising and cleaning my home is because .... My 12 year old son thinks it'd probably be a pretty good idea.
...and I should maybe start with the medicine cabinet in the bathroom because "You know how when people spring clean, they start with something small like organising one cupboard and then move on to the next one. Well, the shelves in the bathroom are kinda messy.... and it won't take you very long to do".
Hmphf .... the nerve of that child!!
But, you know, he's kinda sorta right.
Well... actually...he's absolutely right.
And to be fair, he's been very gentle and tactful with his graduated system of dropping subtle hints.
It all started a couple of weeks ago when he and I were hanging out in the living room and I noticed him thoughtfully surveying his surroundings. It went a lil somethin' like this....
"Hey Mum. Is it usually in the spring when people do a big clean up of their houses?".
"Yes. It's a phenomenon referred to as "Spring Cleaning". By end of the winter, everyone is fed up with hibernating, and so, more than ready to get rid of all the clutter that has accumulated over months of living primarily indoors." <~See how smarty-pants-like I talk to my kid. We are a very eloquent bunch ;)
"huh", he says.
...and walks away.
And I am left to thoughtfully survey my surroundings...and notice all the clutter that has accumulated over months of living primarily indoors.
I can't remember verbatim all the other little allusions he's made to the fact that he is of the opinion that cleanliness is next to godliness(or some other such foolishness) ...but they have been tactfully floated out here and there/now and then, throughout the last two weeks...And, I have to say, I've been pickin' up what he's been droppin' .... at least in the figurative sense.
(Before I continue, I feel I must clarify .... As much as my son would have you believe...We do not live in a state of filth and squallor. Sure, things could stand a bit of tidying up and sorting out and there might be the odd dust bunny that needs lasso-ing....but...Most of the flat surfaces in the house are clear and we can use the furniture for their originally intended purpose. In short, you won't be seeing me on any future episodes of "Hoarders"...god damn I love that show. It's sooooo bad.)
So, anyway, this morning when my darling spawn suggested an overhaul of the medicine cabinet (...with particular focus on the toothbrush holder, please. "It's gross"), I leapt into action.
The toothbrush holder is now sparkly clean. The hair products are in the hair product area. The daily moisturizer is tucked in nicely beside the night-time moisturizer. It's all good.
Stand Back!!
I am on the move!!
A veritable cyclone of de-cluttering and cleaning!!
Perhaps, I'll even do a little bit of whistling while I work ;)
[cue onslaught of super cute and surprisingly dexterous woodland creatures]
Update #1. This afternoon, when the Boy emerged from the bathroom after his daily "Oh my god!! I have to pee!!" sprint off the bus, he exclaimed, "Aren't my ideas AWESOME !!" ....ahhhh.... He noticed.
Update #2. He has since been recruited to my Anti-Clutter Crusade... ahhhhhh... a minion. I've always wanted one.
You may wonder..."What's with all this unbridled enthusiasm??"
And then you will most likely answer yourself ..."Must have something to do with the fact that it's the end of March and that's when people typically set about doing their Spring Cleaning. Yes, I'm sure of it ...THAT is why she's whipping herself into a housecleaning frenzy."
Well, I'm sorry to break it to you... but you're wrong.
I, squirrel_e_girl, do not play slave to the dictates of the calendar and its presumptuous seasonal 'to do' list. Nor do I bow to societal pressure or the suggestive nature of television marketing.(I can't even begin to count how many commercials I've seen this last month shamelessly peddling bandanas)
That is NOT why I'm flinging myself into domestic decluttering with such reckless abandon.
The reason I am re-organising and cleaning my home is because .... My 12 year old son thinks it'd probably be a pretty good idea.
...and I should maybe start with the medicine cabinet in the bathroom because "You know how when people spring clean, they start with something small like organising one cupboard and then move on to the next one. Well, the shelves in the bathroom are kinda messy.... and it won't take you very long to do".
Hmphf .... the nerve of that child!!
But, you know, he's kinda sorta right.
Well... actually...he's absolutely right.
And to be fair, he's been very gentle and tactful with his graduated system of dropping subtle hints.
It all started a couple of weeks ago when he and I were hanging out in the living room and I noticed him thoughtfully surveying his surroundings. It went a lil somethin' like this....
"Hey Mum. Is it usually in the spring when people do a big clean up of their houses?".
"Yes. It's a phenomenon referred to as "Spring Cleaning". By end of the winter, everyone is fed up with hibernating, and so, more than ready to get rid of all the clutter that has accumulated over months of living primarily indoors." <~See how smarty-pants-like I talk to my kid. We are a very eloquent bunch ;)
"huh", he says.
...and walks away.
And I am left to thoughtfully survey my surroundings...and notice all the clutter that has accumulated over months of living primarily indoors.
I can't remember verbatim all the other little allusions he's made to the fact that he is of the opinion that cleanliness is next to godliness(or some other such foolishness) ...but they have been tactfully floated out here and there/now and then, throughout the last two weeks...And, I have to say, I've been pickin' up what he's been droppin' .... at least in the figurative sense.
(Before I continue, I feel I must clarify .... As much as my son would have you believe...We do not live in a state of filth and squallor. Sure, things could stand a bit of tidying up and sorting out and there might be the odd dust bunny that needs lasso-ing....but...Most of the flat surfaces in the house are clear and we can use the furniture for their originally intended purpose. In short, you won't be seeing me on any future episodes of "Hoarders"...god damn I love that show. It's sooooo bad.)
So, anyway, this morning when my darling spawn suggested an overhaul of the medicine cabinet (...with particular focus on the toothbrush holder, please. "It's gross"), I leapt into action.
The toothbrush holder is now sparkly clean. The hair products are in the hair product area. The daily moisturizer is tucked in nicely beside the night-time moisturizer. It's all good.
Stand Back!!
I am on the move!!
A veritable cyclone of de-cluttering and cleaning!!
Perhaps, I'll even do a little bit of whistling while I work ;)
[cue onslaught of super cute and surprisingly dexterous woodland creatures]
Update #1. This afternoon, when the Boy emerged from the bathroom after his daily "Oh my god!! I have to pee!!" sprint off the bus, he exclaimed, "Aren't my ideas AWESOME !!" ....ahhhh.... He noticed.
Update #2. He has since been recruited to my Anti-Clutter Crusade... ahhhhhh... a minion. I've always wanted one.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Holy Shitballs.
So...my erstwhile husband turned fellow blogger just outted me in his latest(fabulous) post. Now, THOUSAND(S) of people know that it is I who is squirrel_e_girl and THOUSAND(S)of people will be clambering to read my stuff.
... what?....
Please hold your doubtful sniggering.
It's possible.
This dude has well over a thousand Facebook friends who will, of course, ALL want to check me out ;)
Anyhow, thousands of people aside...it's the few of those thousand+ friends I DO know who may actually take a couple of seconds to read me that freaks me out a wee bit.
SQUIRREL ALERT!!!!
Anonymous Blogger no more. YIKES!!
Hi Mom. I'm writing a blog now.
Does this count as my March installment in my 'One Post a Month(at least)' commitment?
Bonus.
Oh yeah.
p.s. I know.... 1000+ Facebook friends??? How is THAT even possible?? ;)
p.p.s. Steel Cut Oats with a sprinkling of brown sugar and a splash of milk is delicious ...Who knew??
... what?....
Please hold your doubtful sniggering.
It's possible.
This dude has well over a thousand Facebook friends who will, of course, ALL want to check me out ;)
Anyhow, thousands of people aside...it's the few of those thousand+ friends I DO know who may actually take a couple of seconds to read me that freaks me out a wee bit.
SQUIRREL ALERT!!!!
Anonymous Blogger no more. YIKES!!
Hi Mom. I'm writing a blog now.
Does this count as my March installment in my 'One Post a Month(at least)' commitment?
Bonus.
Oh yeah.
p.s. I know.... 1000+ Facebook friends??? How is THAT even possible?? ;)
p.p.s. Steel Cut Oats with a sprinkling of brown sugar and a splash of milk is delicious ...Who knew??
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Death by Electrocution!!
I am the best blogger EVER. I am super funny, incredibly thoughtful and wondrously wise. I produce the most charming and interesting anecdotes that are both timely and relevant. My words flow effortlessly.
Quite simply, I am a blogger extraordinaire.
All of these statements are true ... just hop in the shower with me and you, too, can enjoy the awesomeness that is my blogging ability.
Fact is, I do my best blogging in the shower.
As soon as the taps turn on, my inner blog-ologue kicks into high gear. I come up with the greatest material. I've composed insightful essays on the trials and tribulations of parenting. I've pondered the meaning of life and solved most of its many mysteries. I've recalled more than a few zany and rivetting ;) dog and cat tales. And jokes ....ohhhhh the jokes!! I am constantly cracking myself up. I am a funny funny kid.
I just need to cobble together some sort of device that transfers my fabulous innermost showery thoughts from my hot-water activated mind to my iPad that waits patiently for me out on the couch. This fancy, new-fangled device would, of course, have to possess a water-tight power-source because it'd suck for my blogging career to be cut down its prime due to a tragic shower time electrocution.
OR...
EVEN BETTER...
I'll ask Steve Jobs and his minions to develop a superfunnythought-transferring app. Then I'd just have to pop any of my assorted Apple products into a Ziploc and Bob's yer uncle.
Problem solved... And death by electrocution averted.
Phew.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Reader Beware!!
Just to make sure that I'm starting out on the up and up, I should probably disclose the fact that the profile pic I've posted isn't really me. It's a Squirrel who goes by the name Scaredy and NOT a girl who goes by the name of squirrel_e_
Glad I cleared that up.
I should probably also say that Scaredy Squirrel and all things related to him (including my profile pic) belong to the most excellent Canadian children's author, Melanie Watt. I'm just borrowing the picture. I will give it back. I promise.
The Scaredy Squirrel books are brilliantly hilarious and I consider Scaredy to be a rock solid role model. I discovered him on the very day my husband decided that he didn't want to be married to me anymore and reading that silly wonderful book actually gave me something to aspire to. He was the bravest Scaredy Squirrel I'd ever laid eyes on and I figured if I could be like Scaredy then I could maybe pull this whole being dumped thing off... and I did. I heart Scaredy Squirrel.
Please, if you ever get the chance, make sure to buy these great great books and give them to someone you love ... or keep 'em for yourself and revel in all that is Scaredy Squirrel.
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-P5767.aspx
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/product.aspx?productid=5823
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-at-the-Beach-P5829.aspx
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-at-Night-P5870.aspx
And there is a new one coming out. I can hardly wait!!!
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-Has-a-Birthday-Party-P5945.aspx
Even before I met Scaredy, I felt a certain warm smoooshy affinity towards squirrels. I love squirrels. They are a complete riot to watch and totally crack me up. For years, I have fondly placed the blame for the swift-moving, erratic and sometimes frantic inner-workings of my mind squarely at the feet of the lunatic squirrels who reside inside my head. (BTW- that's figuratively inside my head. I'd have to be a real freak-show to have them literally residing in my head. I keep the live ones in my closet.)
I guess why I'm waxing all poetic-like about squirrels is that I'm attempting to explain my choice of title for this blog. Future, past and present posts will be swift-moving, erratic and sometimes frantic ... just like my beloved squirrels.
Beware: This blog may contain nuts.
Oh yeah.
Edit #1: Before there was Scaredy, there was Danny. Awesome.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-have-to-admit-i-love-the-nuts,10993/
Glad I cleared that up.
I should probably also say that Scaredy Squirrel and all things related to him (including my profile pic) belong to the most excellent Canadian children's author, Melanie Watt. I'm just borrowing the picture. I will give it back. I promise.
The Scaredy Squirrel books are brilliantly hilarious and I consider Scaredy to be a rock solid role model. I discovered him on the very day my husband decided that he didn't want to be married to me anymore and reading that silly wonderful book actually gave me something to aspire to. He was the bravest Scaredy Squirrel I'd ever laid eyes on and I figured if I could be like Scaredy then I could maybe pull this whole being dumped thing off... and I did. I heart Scaredy Squirrel.
Please, if you ever get the chance, make sure to buy these great great books and give them to someone you love ... or keep 'em for yourself and revel in all that is Scaredy Squirrel.
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-P5767.aspx
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/product.aspx?productid=5823
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-at-the-Beach-P5829.aspx
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-at-Night-P5870.aspx
And there is a new one coming out. I can hardly wait!!!
http://www.kidscanpress.com/Canada/Scaredy-Squirrel-Has-a-Birthday-Party-P5945.aspx
Even before I met Scaredy, I felt a certain warm smoooshy affinity towards squirrels. I love squirrels. They are a complete riot to watch and totally crack me up. For years, I have fondly placed the blame for the swift-moving, erratic and sometimes frantic inner-workings of my mind squarely at the feet of the lunatic squirrels who reside inside my head. (BTW- that's figuratively inside my head. I'd have to be a real freak-show to have them literally residing in my head. I keep the live ones in my closet.)
I guess why I'm waxing all poetic-like about squirrels is that I'm attempting to explain my choice of title for this blog. Future, past and present posts will be swift-moving, erratic and sometimes frantic ... just like my beloved squirrels.
Beware: This blog may contain nuts.
Oh yeah.
Edit #1: Before there was Scaredy, there was Danny. Awesome.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-have-to-admit-i-love-the-nuts,10993/
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