Go Fetch!!!

The other day at work, I was playing fetch...

I know!!!...I'll point out yet again that I get paid to play with dogs...not very well, mind you... but still...How awesome is THAT??

Stay in school, kids. 4 years and an Honours BA later and you, too, can get paid(poorly) to play with dogs.

In all seriousness though, I love my job. It makes me happy and keeps me (mostly) sane. And I absolutely adore the people I work with. One day, maybe I'll head back to school and get all trained up for an actual career but, for now, I have a job that allows me the freedom to be involved with my kids' school life and to hang out at 1:30 in the afternoon writing very important blog posts... and to play with dogs.

... which brings me back to my original point...

The other day at work, I was playing fetch and I spent a whole lot of time laughing at myself and apologizing to the dog on account of my ridiculous and pathetic fetch-playing skills.

I am here today to confess to you, my beloved readers, that I cannot throw a ball ... or anything, for that matter... to save my f#$king life.

No object has ever been launched from my hand with any degree of premeditated accuracy. In fact, I hesitate to even use the word "accuracy" in a sentence that contains any reference to my throwing "skills".

Tennis balls have been flung up onto roofs and into trees.

Frisbees have flown over the fences and into the woods.

Kongs have somehow mysteriously landed behind me.

Deflated-due-to-puncture-holes soccer balls have been hurled right into the faces of my unsuspecting fetch counterparts. (I should perhaps add, that along with the non-existent accuracy, my throws possess a distinct lack of any real force so I've not injured anybody...yet)

Keeps the hounds on their toes, I guess.

So, while I was giggling at myself and my extraordinary ball-handling abilities (<---- I have just gifted you with a lovely opportunity to crack any number of "ball" jokes. You are welcome)... I graciously accepted the very strong, very real probability that I will never throw anything well ...EVER, and I was able to make peace with that thought.

However, it got me to thinking about the other things that I am absolutely positively crap at and will never be good at...EVER.

Now, I know with that sort of negative attitude, of course I'll never be good at _________(insert activity here) and that I should always aim for self-betterment and I generally am a very positive and hopeful person but there are things that are, quite simply, beyond the realm of earthly possibility for me.

There are plenty of things that I am pretty ok at too...

But...

Here is:

"A Comprehensive List of Stuff That I Am Really REALLY Crap At and Will Never Be Good At...EVER"
by: squirrel_e_girl

• Throwing stuff (for those of you with moderate to poor content-retention skills, see above for explanation)
• Playing tennis- Back in my 20s a friend of mine, who is a high school phys ed teacher and who also coaches lots of different teams, took it upon himself to teach me how to play tennis. He and I had previously played badminton together and won a silly little tournament thingy, so we decided to broaden my racket-sport horizons ...Alas, with rather dismal results. My friend/tennis coach was wonderfully patient and kind but after a couple of lessons he had to concede defeat. I was a hopeless case. I also seem to recall taking tennis lessons later on with my Erstwhile Husband (who is a pretty good tennis player) with similar dismal results. Apparently, yellow fuzzy balls and I just don't mix <----another potential source of ball jokes 
• Anything involving numbers (aka Math) - And when I say "anything involving numbers" I mean, anything involving numbers. Any. Thing. Involving. Numbers. As in, even adding or subtracting single digits. That's right. Single digits. Well, I can figure it out eventually but it takes a couple of seconds. I do, however, know some of my times tables. I'm good at the 0s and the 1s and the 2s and the early 3s and 4s and I'm pretty solid with my 5s and that's pretty much where it grinds to a halt. Although, I am aces with my 10s, 100s and 1000s. And my 11s (up to 10x11). I don't even want to think about my 12s. I've got a pretty good handle on "less than/greater than/equal to". So, really, I should revise my Any. Thing. Involving. Numbers. and instead, say Almost. Any. Thing. Involving. Numbers.  Like I said earlier "Stay in school, kids" ... but you should probably avoid the English Department. An English degree will not throw open a plethora of well-paying career doors nor will it teach you simple arithmetic.
• Dancing - Actually, I guess I can kinda dance...sorta...if drinking 3 Rockstar[+Vodka]s  and then jumping up and down and wiggling a bit when a good song comes on counts, then, Yes. I can dance. But otherwise, strictly speaking, I can't dance. I remember back when I was a little kid and my sister and I were dancing around, performing for my parents' friends and they'd be all "Oh Mara!! You're such a cute little dancer!" or "What great rhythm you have, Mara!!" or "Look at Mara dancing her little heart out!!" .... and now, here is where I remind you that my name isn't Mara. And, before you get all offended and think what mean people they must've been to totally ignore the little girl "dancing" beside the little girl who could actually dance, you gotta cut them some slack...they were only working with the material they had been presented and you also have to remember, this was back in the olden days when it was ok to point out that one kid was actually better at something than another kid was. And, they were most likely hammered. So, worry not for I have gotten over it (mostly) and their voices only haunt my dreams occasionally.
• Skipping Double Dutch - Holy shit was I ever bad at double dutch. It's no big deal these days since I don't do much double-dutching (the dogs have a hard time holding on to two skipping ropes) but I was so very very bad at it 30 years ago, that I had to put it on this list.
• Transferring my clean folded laundry from the laundry basket into my closet - Can't do it. I try...but I just can't. I believe this is somehow encoded in my DNA....I give both the Girl and the Boy a hard time about not putting their clean clothes away but I'm just as bad as they are. Acorn. Tree.
• Swimming - Or I guess, it's more akin to being crap at liking to be in the water because I never get around to the actual act of swimming. This might have something to do with the fact that I had a near-drowning incident when I was 9 or 10 ... OR ... more likely ... that my hair looks ridiculous if allowed to dry on its own and I'm a wee bit vain and don't want to be seen in public with ridiculous dried-on-its-own hair. Along that same vein, (<-----see what I did there) because I've got some pretty significant body image issues, I am extreeeeeeeeeemely uncomfortable hanging out in a bathing suit. Eww. Yuck. Gross....so really, I should probably change "Swimming/Being in the Water" to:
• Feeling comfortable in a bathing suit - Pretty straight forward. I really REALLY suck at feeling comfortable in a bathing suit. I am also super uncomfortable in my birthday suit ... but that's a whole nother story.
• Answering the Phone &/or Door - Remember?? Introverted Hermit with Social Anxiety Disorder. 'Nuff said.
• Playing Little Big Planet 2 with my kids - This is a visually stunning, super fun PlayStation 3 game and I think it's crazy cool and wish with all my heart that I could play it with any sort of proficiency. My kids love playing with me because I am so very very VERY crap at it and they can manipulate my cute little green bunny guy and shove him around and hit him with stuff and put stupid stickers all over him and take all the good prizes and move ahead way faster than I can so I end up dying and have to be reborn in the little regenerating circle chamber thing. It's cyber-bullying and I really should report them to the proper authority... which I guess would be me. Damn.
• Cutting/Copying and Pasting Links to YouTube on the Boy's MacBook Pro - I cannot for the life of me figure out how to cut and paste on this stupid computer. I'm trying to include a hyperlink to a video trailer of Little Big Planet so you can share in the super coolness that is the world of Little Big Planet. But no matter how much I swear at this thing, I can't make it do what I want it to.  If, when you read this, there is a blue hyperlink in the above entry it means that someone under the age of 16 came home and was able to help me out.

Ok, so I think I'll wrap it up with that one. Trying to will the computer to magically cut and paste links has exhausted me and now I'm a bit crotchety. <---FYI "crotchety" only has 1 t at the end, not 2. I always assumed there were 2. They're right....you DO learn something new every day. Maybe even 2 somethings.

small victories

Yesterday, I went to Future Shop and bought printer ink.

And then, I went home and took the empty ink cartridges out of the printer.

And then, I put the new ink in.

All.

By.

Myself.

:D


Just sayin'.

Great News Everybody!! The Dog Didn't Done Die!!

He's alive and well.

 AND...

He has his own country love song.

How romantic is THAT??

And I want to share this song with you, my Beloved Readers, 'cause it's HILARIOUS!!! and romantic.

The song's been out for a few months now and still makes me giggle every time I hear it and I'd like to give you guys some giggles, too.

I'm good like that.

So, without further ado, may I present to you "Like My Dog" by Billy Currington ... (you're welcome)

Awesome, right??

Oh, and another gem of a country song that I've been enjoying lately (and it's hilarious, too) is "Red Solo Cup" by Toby "I'm a bigmouth jackass" Keith.

By now, most of you have probably heard it even if you aren't in the habit of listening to country music radio (poor bastards). It was covered (very awkwardly, in my opinion) on Glee and I think TK performed it on some music awards show maybe. Anyhow, if you ARE in the habit of listening to country music radio, you are probably a little tired of this song because it has been overplayed like nobody's business(Adele) which is really too bad because it is still a fun song, despite the fact that it has been overplayed like nobody's business.

When it first came out, I was driving somewhere with The Girl and, oddly enough, she was allowing me to listen to a country station.

... maybe she was sick or something.

"Red Solo Cup" started to play and she actually stopped texting long enough to actually listen.

...further evidence pointing to the fact that she probably WAS sick or something.

Regardless of her state of physical well-being, she laughed her head off and we had a lovely little country music moment, which was very nice.

A couple of weeks later, the day after the aforementioned awkwardly covered version aired on Glee, The Girl came home and voiced a whole heap of vitriolic disdain directed at the kids at school who were all of a sudden singing "Red Solo Cup". Apparently, because she had heard it "way before it was on Glee. They don't even know who it's really by" she had assumed ownership of this funny, now cool, song. I got a small weird dose of the warm fuzzies at the thought that I had introduced her to something funny and "cool" before anyone else had.  I especially got a huge kick out of it since it was a silly, fun and somehow cool country song :)

Here's the video ... which I, personally, find a wee bit creepy since it features a bunch of drunk,middle-aged men (aka-TK and his bandmates) wandering around a young beautiful people party. Still a silly fun song, though, despite the fact that if features a bunch of drunk, middle-aged men wandering around a young beautiful people party :)

As a counter-balance to the country music-ish-ness of this post, I'm going to include a super cool non-country song I just rediscovered thanks to iTunes(that really IS cool...not just "country" cool).

Goddamn I LOVE iTunes.

It's costing me a small fortune.

Stupid iTunes.

iLove you iTunes.

OK...here's "Dig It" by Tom Wilson (formerly of Junkhouse)

Ok...I apologize from the bottom of my heart but I can't even help myself...The sweet siren of country music is luring me back into her jagged rocks of awesomeness...

So, to totally negate the counter-balancing effect of the super cool, non-country "Dig It".....

Here's another of my funny country favourites:

  ~the very first time I heard this song, there's a line that made me choke on the delectable McDonald's vanilla shake I had just purchased in the drive-thru. It was one of those "Did he just say what I think he just said??!!" moments... Yep, he did and it is a thing of beauty. I doubt that line has ever been uttered in any song EVER. Fantastic. I let you listen and figure out which line I'm talking about.~

"Whiskey's Gone" by the crazy awesome Zac Brown Band

HA!!!  Brilliant.

Go Bananas. Go Go Bananas.

Remember a ways back, when I confessed that I have a secret niggling fear that I may possess some hoarding tendencies ...

I have this secret niggling fear because:

A) I have an odd collection of 1/2 empty (or 1/2 full depending on my mood) bottles of shampoo in my linen closet...Apparently I go through conditioner way faster than I do shampoo and I hate to throw the remaining shampoo away but I also hate to use mismatchy shampoo and conditioner so I stash the shampoo away with the promise that I will someday return for it whenever I happen to feel like using that particular brand of hair care product again.

 Empty promises that lead to a closet full of heartbroken half empty shampoo bottles.

 Also...

2)For no reason whatsoever, I, historically, have kept any empty boxes of Tide laundry detergent I produce piled under the laundry tub. 

Do you know how many empty Tide boxes fit under a laundry tub? 

Lots.

 Actually, good news on this front...our new place has a distinct lack of laundry tubs under which I could possibly pile empty laundry detergent boxes so maybe this will help me dispose of them in a more timely/less hoarderly manner.

Well, today, I came face to face with another skeleton in my hoarding closet...

~In order to avoid any possible confusion/nightmares, I'll point out that I am speaking figuratively...I draw the line at hoarding skeletons 'cause that'd be gross.~

...my Guy was feeling a wee bit peckish and I helpfully and healthfully suggested that he have a banana for a quick snack. He immediately followed up on my suggestion and headed into the kitchen to grab his banana...

BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA...see what I just did there?? Goddamn I crack myself up :D

Anyhow, within seconds I heard his wary voice asking....

"Uh, Sweetie...what are these brown things beside the bananas?"

To which I replied, "mumblemumblemumble"

My Guy- "No seriously, what are they?"

And I had to come clean...

Me- "Bananas."

My Guy- "No, I mean the things BESIDE the bananas."

Me - "Bananas."

My Guy - "....."


And that is how I arrived face to face with that aforementioned (figurative) skeleton.

I hoard bananas...

...and have for over a decade. 

~In order to avoid any possible confusion/nightmares, I'll point out that I don't actually have 12 year old bananas lurking about my house. I eventually do dispose of them. But then I buy more bananas and keep them until they're unrecognisable and eventually dispose of them, too ...then I buy some new ones. I guess you could say that I am serial hoarder when it comes to bananas. (To clarify...I'm NOT a cereal hoarder 'cause that'd be a whole other story.)

So here's the "logic" behind this squirrel_e_ness...

I want to make Banana Bread.

And you need over-ripened bananas to make Banana Bread ...I guess they're easier to smoosh up in that state. 

You may have noticed that I just said "I want to make Banana Bread." NOT "I make Banana Bread." 

You see, I've never made Banana Bread. 

Ever.

Yet I save old uneaten bananas. 

I save old uneaten bananas so I can not make Banana Bread. 

Sometimes, I'll even go that extra mile and stash the old uneaten bananas in the freezer so I can not make Banana Bread at a later, more convenient date.

For over a decade, I have had every intention of making Banana Bread. 

But haven't.

But I keep saving bananas because I'm going to. 

Eventually.

I believe I am delusional.

I believe I am bananas.


**************
Part Deux

Ok...so I wrote all that ridiculous stuff up there about a month ago but then decided against actually posting it because I felt that it was too pointless for even ME to post...

BUT.

There has been a shocking twist to this story and it goes a little something like this...

I made Banana Bread.

Twice.

Annnnd....

I was gonna make some again yesterday but I was short a half a cup of flour and my Social Anxiety Disorder forbids me to ask neighbours or even/especially our super nice tenant to borrow a half a cup of anything, so I'm going out to buy some flour tomorrow and then I'll have at it.

YAY!!!

Banana Bread for lunch!!! 

And breakfast.

And snack.

Yum.

p.s. Now, after actually seeing exactly what goes into Banana Bread, I've decided that the name "Banana Bread" is rather misleading. The fruit/bread combo would perhaps lead some (me) to believe that it possesses some sort of nutritive value and if you believe that ....you are sorely mistaken. As was I.

I discovered that Banana Bread is essentially banana-flavoured sugar and butter with some flour thrown in to hold it together so it doesn't melt away when placed in the oven. 

With that in mind, I strongly recommend that All People of the Universe start calling a spade a spade and toss aside this misleading misnomer!!! 

Cake.

It is cake. Without frosting.

Banana Cake.

And it is delicious.

Yum.

A Blue Angel ...but not the kind you're most likely thinking of.

You might/might not remember a few weeks back, I wrote a post about my iTunes binge. The primary focus of my  musical gluttony was a band named City and Colour ...or... more specifically, a dulcet-toned angel named Dallas Green (aka (by me) Dallas F$&KING Green).

I love him.

And what I'm about to write does not in any way diminish that love....

But...

I feel the need to issue some sort of warning.

Here is my cautionary tale:

As previously noted, a few weeks back, I bought a shit ton (or so) of City and Colour tunes. My ears were bathed in a near-constant flow of the milk and honey that is Dallas Green’s voice.

I was in heaven.

But then a funny thing happened.

I gradually became aware of the fact that I was feeling a wee bit blue...nothing too horrible, I was just a little down.

As the days passed, my case of the gloomies deepened until one afternoon, I found myself curled up on the couch wallowing in a full blown state of melancholy...I went the whole nine yards: tears, my favourite snuggly blanket, surrounded myself with my herd of empathetic animals ... except for my Wheaten Terrier, Spencer, who is a bit of a jerk and hits the road as soon as I show the first sign of any emotional distress... which reminds me of a funny (to me, anyway) story...so, if you'll excuse me for a short moment, I'm going to lapse into...

~A Little Stream of Consciousness Aside... Almost exactly 4 years ago, I experienced the worst day of my life ...and I’m not being melodramatic or exaggerating even a little bit ...it had been, by anyone's definition, a shitty shitty SHITTY day. Anyhow, it was the middle of the night and I couldn't shut my brain off long enough to fall asleep and I had finally reached the breaking point. Not wanting to disturb my then-husband, my imminent emotional breakdown and I climbed out of bed and headed downstairs where we could continue our business of falling completely to pieces without disrupting my sleeping  family’s peace. Accompanying me and my breakdown was my 9 month old puppy/constant companion, Spencer. I curled up under my snuggly blanket on the couch and Spence assumed his customary position curled up at my feet. I pressed the Resume button, and my breakdown continued with full force. It was really quite something...I'm not much one for sobbing...never ever really...A Crier? Yes. A Sobber? No...but this time was different. I had mustered up some impressive bone-shaking sob-action with my little furry best friend at my side/feet for support...or so I thought, since that's what dogs are known for, right?? ...Providers of silent, non-judgemental comfort and support in times of great need...yeah...well, not my dog. Just as I was hitting my stride, I was thrown off-task by the abrupt exit of my heartless hound. Not only did he beat a hasty retreat, abandoning me to my grief and sorrow, but as he left the room...Spencer, the Sufferer of Extreme “I cannot bear to live if you are out of my sight, Lady” Separation Anxiety, actually LEFT the room...and as he left, he looked back over his shoulder and shot me a look that very distinctly said, “Fuck. This. I'm going somewhere where I can sleep in peace. Pull yourself together, Lady. You're embarrassing yourself.” He was so obviously disgusted by my undignified behaviour that I couldn't help but chuckle at the expression on his face. Through my mask of snot and tears, I called after him “Where the hell are you going, you little jerk? ‘Man’s Best Friend’, my ass!! I should've stuck with cats!! They’d never desert me like this!! INGRATE!!” and then proceeded to giggle my brains out ...probably as much a result of my hysteria as from any situational dog-humour, but hysterical laughter is better than inconsolable crying. So I guess, in his own jerk-face way, Spencer fulfilled his obligatory canine role as human supporter/comforter. His cold and callous abandonment pulled me back off the ledge of emotional ruin and I was thus able to gather my wits and manage a couple of hours of sleep so I could better face the next day. Thanks, Spence. You’re always(not) there when I need you xoxo~

Back to my cautionary tale...

To reset the scene...I'm waxing melancholic on the couch surrounded by my support team of pets (with one obvious omission...jerk) and I can't for the life of me, figure out why I'm feeling so glum.

There is no reason for it...

My world is spinning around me all tickittyboo-like ....

We’re nicely settled in to our beautiful new home.

Kids are happy and healthy.

My Guy is happy and healthy.

Companion animals are happy and healthy ...and characteristically, either empathetic or asshole-ish.

I've come to terms with dismal bird feeder turnout, so that's not an issue.

 I'm reading a happy book (the brutal and violent and depressing ...yet awesome...A Song of Ice and Fire series now far behind me...phew!!).

I've had Dallas F$&KING Green serenading me by way of my iPad for the past week or so and his voice is so beautiful and angelic and his songs are so happy and uplif...

...ting

....

....

Hmmmmmm

Wait a minute.

As beautiful and angelic as Dallas F$&KING Green’s voice truly is...the lyrics he sings are a little less than upbeat and bouncy ...

In fact...

They are depressing as hell...(“Little Hell”, as the case may be.)

In fact...

I did a little research and happened upon an article/review that went a little something like this:

Sound Advice: Little Hell by City and Colour
BY ALEX NINO GHECIU
Every Tuesday, Torontoist scours record store shelves in search of the city’s most notable new releases and brings you the best—or sometimes just the biggest—of what we’ve heard in Sound Advice.

“Recently I said in an interview that I don’t want to make people dance—I want to make people cry,” recalls Dallas Green in a mini-documentary about City and Colour’s third album, Little Hell (out today on Dine Alone). “But I think I have to take that back.”
Yes, Little Hell kind of makes you want to dance. Lead single “Fragile Bird” (streaming right), featuring a slick blues-funk groove replete with a skronky fuzz guitar solo, is a spirited departure from Green’s usual sad-guy-with-an-acoustic shtick. He ramps up the rock elsewhere: “Weightless” has an electrified behind-the-beat pull reminiscent of Ragged Glory–era Neil Young, while “Natural Disaster” is a buoyant, Southern-tinged pop gem. For the most part, however, Little Hell makes you want to cry again.
There are plenty of delicate folk dirges here—enough to remind you that City and Colour is still the Alexisonfire guitarist’s touchy-feely alter ego. But what’s changed most noticeably is the subject matter Green’s making you blubber about. Whereas previous releases Sometimes and Bring Me Your Love were full of vague heartbreak anthems that could easily be MacGyvered into panty droppers, this record confronts intimate anxieties so candidly it’d make Kanye West sweat. On “O’ Sister,” Green addresses his sister’s mental health problems in an upfront, barefaced manner (“Does it have something to do with the pills they gave to you?”). “The Grand Optimist” sees him lament the schism between his own pessimism and his father’s rosy world view. Heck, “Fragile Bird” even plunges into the night terrors suffered by his wife, which is particularly revealing as we all know who she is: TV host Leah Miller.
Little Hell is one big step outside of Green’s comfort zone—sonically and, above all, thematically. Rather than whine about his girlfriend being in a different area code, he’s now more inclined to roll up his sleeves and wrestle palpable demons head on. This time around he’s not concerned with making you cry; he’s too busy dealing with things that make him cry. And those are man tears he’s weeping.

AH HA!!!!

Dallas F$&KING Green was leading me down the path to SadTown....like the Pied Piper... minus the pipe ...and the rats.

That voice and that guitar had lured me to the Dark Side...the Blue Side, really...the Dark Blue side...Navy Blue, maybe.

So, I knew what I had to do...

I had to either give up Dallas ...

OR...

Up my dosage and forsake the outside world...

And smiling ...

Forever.

A tougher decision I had rarely faced.

After much thought, I managed to forge a compromise between my world weary soul and my Dallas F$&KING Green addicted ears.

First, I cut back my usage. Showering without him was the hardest break to make.

Then, I found an antidote to the D.F.G Gloomies and....ironically enough... I found it in the guise of country music!!

 Weird, huh??

Listening to country music to get HAPPY??!!

Well, actually, it's country music that isn't really country, really.

I headed back into iTunesLand and grabbed me a couple of Zac Brown Band records and I believe I am cured.

Like Dallas, Zac Brown has an awesome and beautifully smooth voice.

Unlike Dallas, Zac Brown has a sense of humour and sense of joy that radiate and shine through his music. He sings with Jimmy Buffet ...need I say more?

Here are some awesome examples of his positive vibe:

It is because of Zac Brown Band that I can smile once again :D

Disclaimer: Dallas F$&KING Green, in real life, may be a right regular Jimmy Fallon/Susie Sunshine but there is no denying that his lyrics are not hilarious nor are they particularly sunshiny.

And that leads me to my warning....

Please use Dallas F$&KING Green in moderation.

He is as sorrowful as he is beautiful...and it's very catchy.

Consider yourself warned.

Enjoy Responsibly.



p.s. I love you, Dallas F$&KING Green.

...balls

I'm thinking I might have to give up swearin'.

Nope...You're not hallucinating....You read right. 

I'm gonna ease up on my reliance on the profane. 

As much as I love...L.O.V.E... LOVE a well-placed dirty word, I think I might've reached the limit to what even I can accept as being acceptable.

Here's what happened...

The other night, My Sweetie, My Girl and I were all sitting on the couch playing Fruit Ninja, seeing who could slice the most fruits having a wonderfully fun time. 

~Now, before I continue, I feel I must address those of you who are perhaps rolling your eyes thinking how lame it is to sit around playing iPad games ... you have no idea how beautifully awesome (not to mention unfortunately infrequent) it is to have an opportunity to spend a night playing and laughing with a 15 year old who chooses to hang out with her Mum on a Friday. Yay Me!!~

So....We were having an absolute blast...The Girl, of course, was killing us...She is a Fruit Ninja Extraordinaire....a Fruit Ninja Ninja, if you will. I can hold my own but she was pulling in 10 Fruit Combos ....which is virtually unheard of. Pure Fruit Ninja Gold.

My Guy is a bit of a newb and, as such, kinda sucks.

The mother-daughter competition was beyond fierce. 

Fruit was being slaughtered all over the place!! 

Unbridled enthusiasm and reckless excitement filled the air!!

It was my turn...things were going well. I had a couple of sweet combos under my belt and I was making the most of my mad slicing skills!!

And then...

I missed the Fruit Frenzy Banana...

Super frustrated, I shouted the first thing that leapt to my mind....

"COCK...balls"

Well, that was it. Any semblance of class and decorum dissolved instantly. The Girl laughed until she hurt herself and.... I think she might've peed her pants. 

Goddamn, it was beyond hilarious. All three of us ended up in tears, clutching our aching sides.

Ahhhh good times.

Good clean Family Friday Night Fun.

BUT...

It got me to thinking.

This incident forced me to realize that if my idea of an appropriate dirty-word-diffusing substitute for "SUCKER!!!" is "...balls", then I might have to do some serious re-evaluation of my knee-jerk, 'go-to' lexicon. 

What if... I stubbed my toe in a room full of toddlers??

What if... I smashed my thumb with a hammer in front of an octogenarian bridge game??

Suppose I used the wrong fork whilst dining with the Queen??

I shudder to think of the possibilities...and their grim consequences.

So....

After much reflection, I've decided to re-vamp my vocabulary. 

No more swears for me. 

...for now ;)

Profanity, An Angel & A Wee Bit o' iTunes

So, I think I'm probably maybe the only person on the planet who owns Apple products (an iPad AND an iPhone) and has never ever purchased a single tune from iTunes ...or for that matter, has never ever downloaded a single tune from any source any where onto any of my Apple devices.

That is...

Until two nights ago...

And then things got a little bit crazy.

It all started when a Facebook Friend (My Sweetie's cousin whom I've yet to meet ...she has exceptional taste in music and is an extraordinary photographer) posted upon my wall, an amazing video by an amazing dude...

 Lead Singer for City and Colour- Dallas 'I have the voice of an angel' Green (formerly of Alexisonfire)


I finished watching and thought to myself, "Godamn, Self, but I do love me some Dallas Green. He's got the voice of a f$&king angel." <---being swept away by amazing music makes me swear...believe it or not ;)

I proceeded to watch the video 8 1/2 more times until I finally broke, smashed my fist down on the counter and loudly proclaimed ...to myself..."Self!! It is a f%#king CRIME...a CRIME... that I do NOT have any Dallas Green on either of my Apple devices. If I DID, I could listen to his dulcet tones whenever the f&@k I felt like it." <----more impassioned, musically-induced profanity at its finest.

Then...

 All hell broke loose.

I signed into my iTunes account and finally bought something. (other than many many ridiculous gaming apps ...my latest ridiculous gaming app addictions being Fruit Ninja  and Plants vs Zombies)

Well...

Actually...

One thing lead to another and I bought more than a singular something...I bought several somethings.

And here's:

"A Comprehensive List of the Several Somethings I Purchased, in a Fit Of Passionately Profane Dallas Green-lessness, on iTunes the Other Night"
by:squirrel_e_girl

• The entire City and Colour collection....including their live album. In hindsight, I may have acted a wee bit rashly...If I were less of an iTunes neophyte, I would've sifted through all the albums a little more carefully, thereby drastically reducing the number of duplicate songs. One version of Save Your Scissors is probably sufficient...ok... maybe two...three TOPS. Then, when this song came up and I was reminded that the always kickass Gord Downie accompanies Dallas on it, I was also reminded of yet another glaring omission from my music library...
• The Tragically Hip's first release which I used to have on tape but now I  have only the tape case... and that dastardly case has, for a decade and a half (at least), taunted me with its very (empty) existence. Here's the video for Small Town Bringdown ...one of the 7 (+ bonus track) raw and beautifully unpolished tracks on this EP. 
• Cat Steven's Tea For The Tillerman ...the cd we listened to during the labour and birth of my beautiful Son. Same story as the empty Hip cassette case but in this case, the offending empty vessel is in cd form....but that doesn't make its emptiness any less mocking. Stupid case. Most excellent cd. Here's Father and Son 
• All For You by Sister Hazel ...a song I absolutely adore that just happened to be that particular day's 'Blast From The Past' on a radio station I sometimes listen to but not with the enthusiasm I used to before my favourite announcer left in order to march to his own drum.. Kudos to you, RJM!!
• And if Venice is Sinking by Spirit of the West....a song I absolutely adore that I heard on CBC Radio 2 earlier that same day. Love it!
• Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep...a song I absolutely adore that showed up when I was searching City and Colour stuff. Yay! Thanks iTunes for reuniting me with this great tune.
• Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine...a song I absolutely adore that I first heard during the final scene of "Twilight" (please accept my sincerest apologies...not for the song 'cause it's crazy awesome, but for the fact that I watched, and, for the most part, enjoyed that ridiculous movie)
• Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye ...a song I absolutely adore that I first heard as a cover version in this viral video by Walk Off The Earth. Very cool. 
• Can't Keep by Eddie Vedder ...a song I absolutely adore that is by Eddie Vedder. Enough said.

Isn't that a crazy cool video?

I heart Eddie Vedder.

And Dallas F&@KING Green.

And iTunes.

And now, I'm wandering around the house with my iPad hoisted up on my shoulder, pressed into my ear...the Ghetto Blaster of my 40s.

I think I may have created a monster.

Oh yeah.

***************
Note: Sometimes, but not always, Dallas F&*KING Green bears an eerily remarkable resemblance to my brother...especially in the Save Your Scissors video...totally freaked me out the first time I saw it...still does really.

THIS JUST IN:
Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love Dallas F*&KING Green any more than I already do...he goes and does this:

So it would seem that  he not only has the voice of an angel... he also has the heart of an angel...sigh... <3



Also...If the word iTunes appears to be hyperlinked anywhere in this post, it is not of my doing. There is some phantom advertising popping up every now and then.