Here in Northern Southern Ontario, we are enduring summer's first heat wave.
Hooray??
The humidity is yucky and oppressive and since I don't do particularly well with being oppressed ...or repressed...I can sometimes err on the side of edginess and little things that I can normally let slide tend to annoy the bejesus out of me.
Par example...
Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner and I realized that I had started to twitch and my head felt like it might explode. At first, I thought I was having some sort of stroke-like episode but then I looked behind me and any and all worries concerning my health immediately vanished.
This is what I saw:
(make sure you turn up the volume in order to experience the video's full effect)
Can you understand why even my subconscious got a wee bit annoyed and twitchy without my being consciously aware of why I was suffering an annoyance-fuelled stroke??
Now, I adore dogs as much as the next guy...that is why we open our home to our friends' dogs... and it is tons of fun and wildly entertaining...usually.
Yesterday, we were lucky enough to be hosting 2 lovely grrls (whom I have known since they were puppies)...and it was super crazy hot.
I am about to impart some powerful and life-changing wisdom to you, my Beloved Readers.
Are you ready??
O.K.
....
Never run through a forest wearing flip flops.
Don't do it.
Don't.
If you do, a little tiny, well camouflaged stumpy protrusion may just leap out and rip the skin off the end of your big toe.
Like this:
Yes...it hurt.
And, yes...I said a whole bunch of bad words.
Well, actually, I think it was one bad word repeated a whole bunch of times.
I think I might've frightened the little dogs I was walking. They looked a wee bit spooked.
The Story:
I was walking 2 of the cutest dogs ever, on the beautiful woodland trail behind their house and I realized I was running a bit late so I thought I'd maybe jog in order to make up some time. (I had an appointment with my sister to get my old lady chin whiskers zapped off...she is a Massage Therapist who works at a spa and they have an old lady chin whisker zapper)
So I started up with a nice easy jog and thought to my Self,
"Self, this is actually a-ok. We should do this everyday...a nice easy jog through the woods just to ramp up the old heart rate a bit. I'm really enjoying this. I can feel the endorphins waking up and dancing in my blo--AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
"SELF!!! I CAN'T BEAR TO LOOK!! IS MY TOE STILL ATTACHED TO MY FOOT??"
I took a quick glance and was relieved to see that I still had a big toe...but it was covered in a whole lot of blood and it really REALLY hurt.
I carried on with my walk...now limping and laughing at myself instead of jogging all carefree-like with great plans of fitness and health.
I managed to return to the house and tucked the sweet, bewildered little doggies back in their room and wrapped my mangled toe in a bunch of paper towel...still not looking too closely because I was still kinda worried about what I'd see if I spent more than a split second examining my wound...and besides, there was no extra time for thorough wound-examination, I had an old lady chin whisker zapping appointment with my sister...who is my rock and saviour....SHE will take care of me and my ouchie toe.
Before I could seek blessed salvation, I had one more dog to walk...but since I couldn't really walk, I just let him out for a quick whizzer...Sorry Blue....I owe you one.
...and THEN I headed to my sister
...and salvation.
I got to the spa and me and my paper-towel enshrouded toe hung out in the reception area for a few minutes and I think we might've slipped into a weirdo surreal state of toe-pain shock but then, like an angel of mercy, my sister arrived and whisked me back into the pedicure room...SEE!! I knew I had come to to the right place.
She looked at my owie and immediately sprung into action. And after quickly procuring a handy-dandy first aid kit, she tore open a sterilizing alcohol wipe and used it to gently clean my gaping bloody wound ...
...did I mention that it was an ALCOHOL-soaked wipe??
HOLY SHIT!!!!
If I thought having the skin ripped off my toe by a stump in the woods hurt...I was sorely mistaken....<----see what I did there??? sorely mistaken??...sorely....mistaken...sorely??!! hahahahaha
Well, that was downright blissful ...orgasmic even...compared to having an alcohol-soaked wipe applied to a gaping bloody wound.
Somehow, I managed to NOT kick her in the face...but I did, rather emphatically, suggest that she not come near me with that alcohol-soaked wipe of intolerable agony....instead, she used tweezers to remove the little bits of debris that were lodged in my flesh and then she used a teeny tiny super sharp needle to pull the flap of skin out from under the other part of my toe-skin that was still attached to my toe and she nicely reaffixed the flap of toe-skin to the side of the toenail from which it had been wrenched.
She lovingly bandaged my ravaged toe...gave me a lollipop for being a brave girl and then she zapped my beards.
No more old lady chin whiskers for this kid!!!
Thanks, Mar!!!
p.s. The next day, I returned to the scene of the crime and found the likely culprit...if you look closely, you can almost see remnants of my toe flesh..and some blood...blood that still has some of my exercise-induced endorphins dancing around in it...jerks.
I'm going to say this once...and once only...so listen carefully...
Organic Peanut Butter and Organic Raspberry Jam on Stonemill Bakehouse Sunflower and Walnut toast is maybe a little bit more delicious than Nutella on Crappy White Bread toast.
I had the craziest dream last night...actually it was at 4am so I guess that counts as this morning...
~A Warning...This post is about a dream I had and my dog...to clarify, it is not about a dream about my dog...so if you are one of those people who hates listening to other people describe their dreams or if you are one of those people who hates listening to other people talk about their dogs, this post is not for you.~
So, I was in the middle of this crazy super vivid dream...I could recount it in minute detail...but I won't ... but I will give you the basics:
So, Me and two friends ...Ron and Hermione maybe ?? ... are frantically trying to lock our apartment in order to keep out a very vicious vampire who is hell-bent on getting me. We manage to get all the main floor windows and doors suitably sealed but for whatever reason, we neglect to lock the window on the upper level...FOOLS!!
Same thing happened to me in the only zombie dream I've ever had...In that particular dream, I had assumed...rather wrongly... that zombies couldn't climb and so hadn't bothered with securing the upstairs windows. Apparently they can climb...the tricky bastards)
So, I catch a glimpse of the vampire scaling the fire-escape.
I ask you...what self-respecting vampire uses the fire-escape?? Really, he should've just zipped up the wall relying on his inhumanly strong finger tips and vampirey super speed to propel him...but I digress...weird.
So, I immediately gather Ron and Hermione into a room that has wrapped Christmas presents covering the floor...of course it does... and using some deep breathing techniques and a couple of magic words, I make the three of us invisible.
Invisibility cloaks are for pussies.
So, a split second after the three of us cease being see-able, the vampire calmly opens the door and is rather surprised to find it empty...other than, of course, the plethora of Christmas prezzies...Ron and Hermione get all fool-hardily cocky and start jumping up and down right in front of the vampire taunting him...I guess they were more than just invisible...obviously my dreamy magic is very powerful. Except that trying to keep them safe through all their antics must've drained my own protection and the vampire sees me and lunges at me. He trips over some of the presents but manages to grab hold of one of my feet. In an effort to rid myself of this nasty vampire who has glommed onto my leg, I lift up my non-glommed on leg and with all the adrenaline-fuelled anti-vampire strength I can muster and a Braveheart-worthy battle cry, drive my heel right into the vampire's face...
Only it isn't the vampire's face...
I actually drove my heel, with all the dreamy adrenaline fuelled anti-vampire strength I could muster and a Braveheart-worthy battle cry...
...right into my poor dog's ribcage.
I was awake as soon as my foot connected with Spencer's side and just as he yelped in pain-fuelled surprise, I gathered him up in my arms and apologized like crazy, but he was having none of that and bounded off the bed. He wandered around the bedroom grumbling for a minute before he gave in to my pleas for him to come back for a make-up snuggle.
I had to apologize with special fervour since today is his birthday and what a way to start his 7th year of life.
Poor fella.
I quickly debriefed my startled and not very awake Guy who wasn't sure what all the yelling had been about and then he conked out again.
Deciding to forgive and forget, Spencer curled up right beside me and fell fast asleep. Dogs are good that way.
I was feeling a little less guilty and was falling asleep myself when ...
I can't even begin to believe that it's been almost a month since I posted something...well...not counting the plea for help I posted several minutes ago.
Because it's been so long since I wrote anything, I'm a little rusty and I'm not feeling particularly inspired or creative ... I'm gonna blame that on Peter .... so I think I'll just bring you up to speed on what I've been up to for the past few weeks.
Buckle up, you're in for one hell of a ride!!
...not really, but anyway...
"A Comprehensive List of Stuff I've Been Up to for the Past Few Weeks" by: squirrel_e_girl
I have rejoiced in the glorious magic of all that is SPRING!! I love Spring as much as I F@#king Love Fall and it fills my Self with JOY to witness the bleak barren brown dead world of winter's aftermath little bit by little bit transform and burst forth into countless shades of greeny greatness. Watching the ice leave the lake is crazy exciting for me. And each day, when driving the kids to school, the sun was noticeably higher and higher in the sky....cause for a daily celebration, if you ask me. And, even though we had a couple of freakish May snowstorms, it was no big schmoo because it was, after all, May and June comes after May and it never snows in June ... so yeah...no big schmoo.
My Bewildered Tulips
I got the most AWESOME Mothers Day gifties from my kiddos!! This is the first time they picked out and purchased a present for me without any guidance at all and it was very sweet and very thoughtful and it made me very very happy :D
A Chippy and Weenie Dog Bookends
What?? This is the way they go, right??
I have planted my flower beds with lots of different kinds of flowers that I've never used before..which is big news in my world... If you want to see some unbelievably stellar decision-making skills in action then all you have to do is accompany me to the garden store...and watch me wander back and forth around in circles umm-ing and ahh-ing and holy christ I don't know what to choose-ing ...and then on to a different garden store ... and watch me wander back and forth around in circles umm-ing and ahh-ing and holy christ I don't know what to choose-ing... and then on to a different garden store ... and watch me wander back and forth around in circles umm-ing and ahh-ing and holy christ I don't know what to choose-ing ... and then back to the first garden store ... and watch me wander back and forth around in circles umm-ing and ahh-ing and holy christ I don't know what to choose-ing...OH MY GOD!! ALL THESE FLOWERS SUCK!! WHY CAN'T ANYONE HAVE ANY GOOD FLOWERS?? MY BRAIN HURTS!! I NEED A NAP!!! ...and then drive to a garden store 25 minutes out of town and finally find a bunch of flowers that don't look like crap and then watch me breathe a great big sigh of relief... and then proceed to take a painfully long time choosing exactly which ones I want and how many to get. And you also have to give me little hugs here and there and also encouraging pats on the back are a nice touch and you have to, softly and gently, assure me that these flowers are the perfect ones and that I'm NOT a complete lunatic. My Guy is a saint. Thanks Sweetie Guy!!
I planted my veggie garden, too, only this year NO radishes or cucumbers BLECH and hopefully there will not be a repeat of last summer. Although, there have been several bunny sightings as of late. Good thing we've got Asshole Cat back ... he can keep the buck-toothed buggers at bay. Even though he is waaaaaaaaay fatter than he was last year so he might not be nearly as effective as a critter deterrent as he was 12 short months ago. You see, after we brought him back from near-starvation, he kept right on truckin' and proceeded to guilt me/annoy me with his loud and incessant meowing into over-feeding him and as a result, he is rather rotund...oops. On the plus side...get it??!! PLUS side/PLUS size??hahahaha... maybe he'll be less able to catch and kill all the birds and chippies who have the misfortune of living within a several kilometre radius of our house because he's so dumpy and slow. He's on a more moderated feeding schedule so hopefully he'll slim down in no time.
My Veggie Garden Security Cat in Action
Speaking of a moderated feeding schedule...I have gone 2 whole weeks withOUT ice cream OR root beer OR Nutella. I have even turned down several suggestions/pleas for trips to Dairy Queen. I have even driven the kids to DQ so they can have ice cream and I have abstained. For those of you who know me have no choice but to realize that THAT IS F$%KING UNBELIEVABLE!!! And is worthy of much admiration and respect...and undisguised incredulousness. I am trying my hardest to eat less crappily and so far, I have been pretty good. I just need to ramp up the exercise aspect of things in order to be fully and effectively healthier, but I've pinned a bunch of cool new workouts on my "Healthy Me" board so I'm half-way there really. Right?
I survived a nasty wind attack on my home last night. I was hanging out minding my own business when I heard this weirdly loud noise and a big CRACK and I thought the roof was going to lift right off my house and I ran to the front door to frantically summon The Boy in from the driveway where he had been skateboarding and now was dodging flying debris and empty plastic flower containers. I believe it went a little like this "JACK!!! IN-IN-IN-IN-IN-IN-IN-IN-IN!! NOW!!!" To hear him tell it, I might've been a bit shrill and screamy but in my mind I was calm and cool as a cucumber. Then as fast as it arrived, the wind was gone. And a tree in my backyard was mostly broken thus depriving my doggies of shade on hot sunny days...which is a drag...but I have a roof...and a house...and a Boy...so it's all good and I am grateful. About 5 minutes later, the rain and thunder and lightning arrived and we made the executive and electrical storm-based decision to forgo The Boy's Friday night soccer game. We settled in and waited for My Guy to arrive home with Max and the four of us had a feast of wings. YUM YUM and then...against my better judgement and fervent wishes, it was decided that we would play RISK. What???
My Broken Tree and My Broken Fence...and my Dog
I played RISK for the first time ever. Well, actually, it wasn't really the first time ever...We tried to play a couple of years ago, but that game ended almost before it began, with one child in tears and one in her room because she had been HORRIBLE to her little brother and needed to be removed from polite society. Needless to say, ever since, I've been a wee gun-shy when it comes to breaking out the destroyer of family harmony aka RISK....but somehow...someway...The Boy finally wore me down and convinced me that a Fun Friday Family Night of RISK was perfect thing to do. WHAT?? Anyway, the game was set up and the rules were figured out...mostly... since not one of us had really played before...well The Boy had...once...but that was years ago and I think the subsequent "non-game that ended in despair" might've wiped his RISK memory clear. I was Yellow and initially, I was getting slaughtered but then as I figured things out and got my RISK legs under me, I gained some ground and The Boy and I formed an Unholy Alliance and swept Africa, Europe, Australia and Asia and the vast majority of South America and were well on our way claiming the rest of the Americas and achieving Total World Domination!!!!! ...but then I had to call the game on account of kids paying more attention to their wireless devices than the game at hand. It had ended up with me being the only one playing because My Guy had lapsed into a mild case of Sore Loser-itis (not that I blame him...he was left with only ONE lone troop in the middle of South America) and the boys were each messing around with their respective Apple products and I got kinda iRate and, in perfect World Dominator form, declared the game officially OVER!!
Ok...I'm back in the saddle again. See you next time!!
Approximately 43 minutes ago, I realized that my inner dialogue is being co-voiced by Peter Griffin.
For reals.
I'm not sure how long this has been going on but I have a feeling it's not a recent development.
I was just hanging around in bed playing games on my iPad after a nice little rainy day, post-work snooze. I was suffering from a particularly stubborn case of the post-nap fuzzies and thought a couple of rounds of Candy Crush Saga would clear my head (No judging...this is a Judgement-Free Zone) and all of a sudden, it slowly but surely dawned on me that Peter was commentating my moves... in my head.
Not only that, after I/Peter made a bad play OR made a funny joke, I'd hear Lois pipe up,
This morning, as we do every school day morning, The Boy and I walked together from the house to the car, where The Girl was waiting impatiently for us to finally get our act together and join her so we can get to school on time, as she does every school day morning.
The car was shuddering along with the bass line of a song that has monopolized our listening "pleasure" for the past week or so.
...first to the car gets shotgun AND gets to man the stereo.
So the car and its rattly speakers are vibrating at a very high volume and The Boy asks,
The Boy - What is a menage a trois anyway?
Me - ummmmmmm
Me - ummmmmmm
Me- ummmmmm .... well ahhhh... ummmmm
Me - Christ
Me - ummmm ... it's when you have sex with three people...no...YOU shouldn't have sex with three people. I mean it's when three people have sex.... with each other... at the same time.
The Boy - Oh.
The Boy - *chuckle*
Me - *deep sigh*
Me - *chuckle*
We climb into the car, still chuckling at the awkwardness of that very brief but very loaded exchange and, curious about the cause of the chuckles, The Girl asks,
The Girl - What?
Me- Jack just asked me what a menage a trois was.
The Girl - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Me - You're an asshole.
The Girl - AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!
~The Back Story: Years ago, the ol Ertswhile Husband/Baby Daddy, for some peculiar reason bought a CD by Timbaland called Shock Value. He and I only listened to it a couple of times and decided that it would be taken out of Family Rotation because "some" of the lyrics were a little too hard-core for our then-young children. Fast forward to a week or so ago, when The Girl happens upon that very same CD in the middle armrest of my car. I am deeply DEEPLY mystified as to how this CD managed to end up in my car 6 years after .... being relegated to a high shelf where small kids can't reach. ... a dissolution of a marriage and the inevitable "divide by 2" that goes along with marriage dissolutions. ... the acquisition of my "parting gift"/"thanks for coming out" ...a new-to-me 2001 Volvo XC70 ... 2 subsequent house moves Weird. End of Back Story~
Anyhow, The Girl listened to some of the songs and decided she LOVES a couple and we've been listening to them ...on repeat....ever since.
Lovely.
*deep sigh*
In case you're wondering, the lyrics haven't gotten any less inappropriate over the past 6 years, but the young children have turned into young adults and I have resolved to grit my teeth and shake my head at just how bad they are.
I do, however, reserve the right to complain about how terrible the lyrics are and how totally inappropriate they are.
The Girl reserves the right to laugh at me and to turn the volume up so she can't hear me complain over the thump of the bass.
We've had several conversations about it and they all go a little something like this:
The Girl - Just listen to the music and ignore the lyrics!!
Me- I CAN'T!! I spent 4 years at university being trained to pay attention to words and all the things they convey to the reader/listener. It's the only "skill" that came out of my English degree. I am cursed with actually listening and paying attention to the lyrics of every song I hear. THAT'S what Gramma and Grampa's $40 000 got me. I cannot ignore it when someone sings "BOUNCE...like yo ass has the hiccups. BOUNCE...like we was ridin in my pickup" ....I just can't!!
The Girl - Oh Mum.
Me - I can't.
The Girl - ....
Me - I can't.
The Girl - ....
Me - They are HORRIBLE!!
The Girl - Oh Mummy. You are too funny.
And they ARE horrible.
Have a little listen:
LISTENER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. MOM. DAD. PLEASE DON'T LISTEN.
I have to admit that the music IS kinda catchy...but as mentioned several times previously...
I can't.
And I hate that music is turning me into an old prude.
My transformation into an old lady prude started about 3-4 years ago when The Girl started watching MuchMusic (Canada's MTV) and I was actually mortified by what I saw.
Mortified.
In most of the videos, everything was so EXCESSIVE!!
Sex, money, booze...the works.
This is the one that I remember seeing first:
Yikes...actually, that one's a little tame compared to some but that's just the first one that stuck in my mind.
I had to decide to either roll with it OR forbid her to watch music videos...and I am not the "forbidding" type...so I decided to roll with it.
I turned and walked away...voicing my displeasure as I did so.
I couldn't tell my 13 year old that she couldn't watch videos.
Music and music videos are a HUGE part of teenage life.
...my teenage life and my kids' teenage life.
When I was a kid, I loved them.
Every day, I'd get home from school, grab a snack and plop down in front of the tv and watch "Toronto Rocks" and on the weekend, I'd stay up late and watch "Good Rockin' Tonight".
For my 13th birthday sleep-over party, my mom rented the video disc of the uncensored version of Duran Duran's "Girls on Film".
It was wholesome and tame and totally suitable for a bunch of 13 year old girls to watch...
ummmm
No it wasn't.
It was soft-core porn and we ate it up.
ummmmmm
Maybe times haven't changed THAT much.
Maybe I should ease up on my old lady prude schtick.
Mind you, that video was virtually contraband and you had to go to a video store (that was in the back of a electronics/car stereo installation store) in order to get it .... you couldn't just sit on your couch, turn the tv on and have at it.
Us teens of the 80's had to WORK to get access to our smut.
:D
And walk 10 miles to school.
Barefoot.
Uphill.
Both ways.
Kids these days don't know just how easy they've got it and us poor parents these days have to "ummmm and well...ahhhh" our way through definitions of various sexual acts described in rap songs.
*sigh*
THE END
p.s. Along the same "I am old now" line... I was laughing at myself a while ago because I realized I was trying to prove to The Girl that I'm as cool (or cooler) than the average bear by bragging to her that I thought Adam Levine was hot even BEFORE he had tattoos.
I am soooo ahead of the game.
I think I am what they call a hipster.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
I am ridiculous.
And kinda old.
BUT...
Adam Levine was hot before he had tattoos.
p.p.s. Now that I've given it a little bit of thought...it really doesn't matter if I try to shield my kids from the "evils" of today's music and all that goes along with it, because their dad.. who is notoriously lacking in any sort of judgement regarding sharing age-appropriate/inappropriate music, movies, comedy etc etc with the children...and when I say "notoriously lacking in any sort of judgement regarding sharing age-appropriate/inappropriate music, movies, comedy etc etc with the children", I mean "NOTORIOUSLY LACKING IN ANY SORT OF JUDGEMENT REGARDING SHARING AGE-APPROPRIATE/INAPPROPRIATE MUSIC, MOVIES, COMEDY ETC. ETC WITH THE CHILDREN!!!!!" I have accepted this. It's part of his charm... gleefully listens to all the worst stuff with them...and even took them to a Tyler the Creator concert....
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