Oh By Gosh, By Golly!!

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Did you hear that??

That's the sound of me ... SMILING!!

And NOT swearing!!!

I just got back from my dentist appointment...you know, the one I've been dreading for the last 9 months (read this Post "And The Tooth Fairy Can Kiss My Ass, Too!!" if you'd like to know what the heck I'm talking about)...

AND....

...it didn't even hurt one little bit.

I'm not even making this up.

It was beautiful!!!

It was like the good old days...back before I turned 40.

Here's how it happened:

So, a half hour before my appointment, I downed a couple of Advil (as has been my pre-dental cleaning pain-relieving precautionary measure since turning 40), reminisced about my last few nasty visits to the dentist, grumbled, cringed, swore a couple of times and then hopped into the car and drove to the dentist office with my soul chock full o' dread, tension and resentment.

I arrived and took a seat in the waiting room.

gumblegrumblegrumble

I read a few pages of a People magazine and got caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...

gumblegrumblegrumble

I hated myself for a second or two for getting caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...

gumblegrumblegrumble

Had a couple of xrays taken...pain-free.

No big deal.

Xrays never hurt anyway.

grumblegrumblegrumble

Then I was ushered back into the hall of horrors by the beautiful and kind Corinne. She showed me to her chair and I sat down.

She bibbed me up and leaned the chair back into ready position.

I put my sunglasses on...

Tensed my entire body up in order to face the imminent pain and suffering head on...

She lowered the light...

Game Time.

35ish minutes and some lovely chit chat later, she raised the light, put my chair back into its upright position and it was over.

Not. One. Single. Ouchie.

Even midway through, when she asked, "Is this area tender right here??',

I answered honestly and eagerly...

 "Nope!!"

Before I stood up, I flipped my Oakleys to the top of my head and told her...in reverent and hushed tones ... that she had just made me a very very happy girl and that my last several cleanings had been rather "unenjoyable" and that I loved her with all of my heart.

No, just jokes... I didn't tell her the last part about loving her with all of my heart...even though I do.

I actually had to keep myself reined in and force myself to not give her a great big hug of love and gratitude...I'm not a particularly huggy person, so the fact that I had to stop myself from embracing someone is really quite something.

Anyway, I walked out of there with a spankin' new blue toothbrush, some minty floss, a SpongeBob sticker, a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

I was ... and still am, really ... downright giddy.

YAY!!!

Thank you, Corinne!! You are an angel of mercy and gentleness!! ...Do you think you could possibly put a good word in for me with the Tooth Fairy?? I kinda trash talked her a while back and may not be on her Or Nice list anymore.

And...thanks for the sticker.

SHARK ATTACK!!!

...no...not really.

They all survived their  Hawaii Shark Encounter.. limbs and innards intact.

Phew!!!

There is actual video footage to prove it.

See:

So, that's the sharks taken care of.

...now there's just the almost-hurricane to contend with.

*sigh*

You've Certainly Outdone Yourself This Time, President!!

Me and My Guy were in the grocery store today and whilst wandering through the produce section, something peculiar caught my eye.

I immediately thought to my Self,

"What the hell is THAT, Self??!! It looks like a giant shiny green plastic penis!! I had no idea President's Choice was peddling sex toys now, too ... Joe Fresh indeed."

Upon reflection, I shouldn't have been so taken aback...after all, there is no shortage of phallus-shaped objects in the produce section...Actually, if you stop and think about it for a second, the number of veggies and fruit that resemble male dangly bits is quite staggering, really.

I'll give you a minute to think it over...

Am I right or am I right???

I'm right.

Penises aplenty.

Anyhow, once I recovered from the shock of being exposed to a shiny green plastic penis-shaped object, I brought it to My Guy's attention and we went a little closer in order to investigate.

We quickly figured out (by reading the label) that it was NOT a giant shiny green plastic penis...rather it WAS, in fact, a shiny green plastic Asparagus Holder....that kinda looks like a penis.

BRILLIANT!!!

Oh, Almighty President!! You've made a mighty fine Choice this time around ...and I thank you for that.

I don't know how many times I've searched through my kitchen for a container to suitably store my asparagus...and, now, for 3 bucks I've got my very own shiny green plastic penis-shaped asparagus holder.

The kids'll get a huge kick out if it when the get home from Hawaii...if they don't get eaten by a shark...or washed away in a storm surge.

And, here it is....

Not a Penis

Tropical Adventures...A Mother's Delight

My children are in Hawaii hanging out with the ol Erstwhile Husband. He's working there for several weeks and the lucky little bastards/darlings get to spend 10 days with him.

This is all very lovely and I'm only slightly/a lot-ly jealous of their tropical escapades.

I miss them like crazy....the house is pretty quiet ...and tidy...without them here but overall, I am handling my temporarily empty nest with grace and peace.

However...

Currently, there are a couple of things that are causing me a wee bit of motherly concern... so here's:

"A Comprehensive List of a Couple of Things that are Currently Causing Me a Wee Bit of Motherly Concern Regarding the Fact that My Children are Currently in Hawaii... with Their Father"
by: squirrel_e_girl

• Thing #1:

• Thing B:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sharks and Hurricanes.

Of course.

*sigh*

Being the safety-conscious parent I am, I sent them this wardrobe suggestion for this morning's adventure:

I also sent emails to all three children, asking them to STAY AWAY FROM THE F**KING WATER when Flossie comes to town...since, as noted above, "Flossie will also cause rough surf to develop in an east to west fashion across all of the Hawaiian islands Monday through Tuesday, creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers."

 My Boy surfing for the first time...sans Shark-Tricking Wetsuit

...creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers.

Of course.

*sigh*

Summer Math

Here in Northern Southern Ontario, we are enduring summer's first heat wave.

Hooray??

The humidity is yucky and oppressive and since I don't do particularly well with being oppressed ...or repressed...I can sometimes err on the side of edginess and little things that I can normally let slide tend to annoy the bejesus out of me.

Par example...

Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner and I realized that I had started to twitch and my head felt like it might explode. At first, I thought I was having some sort of stroke-like episode but then I looked behind me and any and all worries concerning my health immediately vanished.

This is what I saw:

(make sure you turn up the volume in order to experience the video's full effect)

Can  you understand why even my subconscious got a wee bit annoyed and twitchy without my being consciously aware of why I was suffering an annoyance-fuelled stroke??

Now, I adore dogs as much as the next guy...that is why we open our home to our friends' dogs... and it is tons of fun and wildly entertaining...usually.

Yesterday, we were lucky enough to be hosting 2 lovely grrls (whom I have known since they were puppies)...and it was super crazy hot.

Oppressive Humidity(2 Resident Dogs + 2 Guest Dogs) = 4 HotDogs

4 HotDogs ÷ 2 = 2 Pairs of Panties

Oppressive Heat + 2 Pairs of Panties = 1 Annoyed and Twitchy squirrel_e_girl

Do as I say...not as I do.

I am about to impart some powerful and life-changing wisdom to you, my Beloved Readers.

Are you ready??

O.K.

....

Never run through a forest wearing flip flops.

Don't do it.

Don't.

If you do, a little tiny, well camouflaged stumpy protrusion may just leap out and rip the skin off the end of your big toe.

Like this:

Yes...it hurt.

And, yes...I said a whole bunch of bad words.

Well, actually, I think it was one bad word repeated a whole bunch of times.

I think I might've frightened the little dogs I was walking. They looked a wee bit spooked.

The Story:

I was walking 2 of the cutest dogs ever, on the beautiful woodland trail behind their house and I realized I was running a bit late so I thought I'd maybe jog in order to make up some time. (I had an appointment with my sister to get my old lady chin whiskers zapped off...she is a Massage Therapist who works at a spa and they have an old lady chin whisker zapper)

So I started up with a nice easy jog and thought to my Self,

"Self, this is actually a-ok. We should do this everyday...a nice easy jog through the woods just to ramp up the old heart rate a bit. I'm really enjoying this. I can feel the endorphins waking up and dancing in my blo--AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

F**KF**KF**KF**F**KF**KF**KF**K**KF**KF**KF**KF**KF**KF**KF**K!

OHMYCHRISTTHATREALLYREALLYREALLYF**KINGHURTS!!!"

"SELF!!! I CAN'T BEAR TO LOOK!! IS MY TOE STILL ATTACHED TO MY FOOT??"

I took a quick glance and was relieved to see that I still had a big toe...but it was covered in a whole lot of blood and it really REALLY hurt.

I carried on with my walk...now limping and laughing at myself instead of jogging all carefree-like with great plans of fitness and health.

I managed to return to the house and tucked the sweet, bewildered little doggies back in their room and wrapped my mangled toe in a bunch of paper towel...still not looking too closely because I was still kinda worried about what I'd see if I spent more than a split second examining my wound...and besides,  there was no extra time for thorough wound-examination, I had an old lady chin whisker zapping appointment with my sister...who is my rock and saviour....SHE will take care of me and my ouchie toe.

Before I could seek blessed salvation, I had one more dog to walk...but since I couldn't really walk, I just let him out for a quick whizzer...Sorry Blue....I owe you one.

...and THEN I headed to my sister

 ...and salvation.

I got to the spa and me and my paper-towel enshrouded toe hung out in the reception area for a few minutes and I think we might've slipped into a weirdo surreal state of toe-pain shock but then, like an angel of mercy, my sister arrived and whisked me back into the pedicure room...SEE!! I knew I had come to to the right place.

She looked at my owie and immediately sprung into action. And after quickly procuring a handy-dandy first aid kit, she tore open a sterilizing alcohol wipe and used it to gently clean my gaping bloody wound ...

...did I mention that it was an ALCOHOL-soaked wipe??

HOLY SHIT!!!!

If I thought having the skin ripped off my toe by a stump in the woods hurt...I was sorely mistaken....<----see what I did there??? sorely mistaken??...sorely....mistaken...sorely??!! hahahahaha 

Well, that was downright blissful ...orgasmic even...compared to having an alcohol-soaked wipe applied to a gaping bloody wound.

Somehow, I managed to NOT kick her in the face...but I did, rather emphatically, suggest that she not come near me with that alcohol-soaked wipe of intolerable agony....instead, she used tweezers to remove the little bits of debris that were lodged in my flesh and then she used a teeny tiny super sharp needle to pull the flap of skin out from under the other part of my toe-skin that was still attached to my toe and she nicely reaffixed the flap of toe-skin to the side of the toenail from which it had been wrenched.

She lovingly bandaged my ravaged toe...gave me a lollipop for being a brave girl and then she zapped my beards.

No more old lady chin whiskers for this kid!!!

Thanks, Mar!!!

p.s. The next day, I returned to the scene of the crime and found the likely culprit...if you look closely, you can almost see remnants of my toe flesh..and some blood...blood that still has some of my exercise-induced endorphins dancing around in it...jerks.

The Stump That Bit Me

 Can You See It??...neither did I.

Did I really just say that??

Ok...

So...

I'm going to say this once...and once only...so listen carefully...

Organic Peanut Butter and Organic Raspberry Jam on Stonemill Bakehouse Sunflower and Walnut toast is maybe a little bit more delicious than Nutella on Crappy White Bread toast.