I'm Innocent!! I Swear!! I Am NOT a Plague Riser!!!

Ok...something crazy just happened and I feel an overwhelmingly desperate need to offer up an explanation in order to clear my good name...

To set the stage:
Remember a few weeks ago I let everybody know that my wonderfully awesome friend sent me a personalized autographed copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)” by: Jenny Lawson... and how excited I was because Jenny Lawson is one of my most favourite bloggers in the whole Universe and I've even referred to her in a couple of posts.


OK...so today, I'm spending the day hanging out with The Girl at The Royal Victoria Hospital. Right now, we're in the aptly named “Gowned Waiting Room”...yep...You heard right...the "Gowned Waiting Room". Needless to say, it's pretty surreal to be surrounded by a dozen or so people wearing nothing but hospital gowns...eek


To explain:
The Girl, at 15 1/2 years old, is a retired Canadian Gold/Gold/Silver Medal winning wrestler who has competed in Mexico at the Pan Am Wrestling Championships and has toured Eastern Europe with her wrestling club. As a wrestler, she has had her nose broken several times and those breaks have resulted in a rather significant deviation of her septum AND a big ol’ bump on the bridge of her schnozzola. This rather significant deviation of her septum has caused some rather significant breathing issues which, in turn, have caused some pretty annoying health issues. And the big ol’ bump on the bridge of her schnoz has caused some rather significant teenage girl vanity issues....so we’re here at the hospital in the “Gowned Waiting Room” waiting for her to undergo a “Septorhinoplasty”(aka “Nose Job”).


OK...so I'm hanging out with a bunch of semi-clad people (FYI-The Girl is the youngest Gowned Person by a good 45-50 years...yikes) and I'm passing the time ...and keeping my eyes averted...reading Jenny Lawson’s hilarious book. I was reading merrily along and I got to the part where she explains that her poor pug “died valiantly of a wasp bite/snakebite/shark attack” .... And I thought “WHOAH!!! In my 3rd last blog post I wished my cat grievous injury by way of shark attack ....Jenny and I are like supremely talented literary twins”. And The Girl and I had a little chuckle about that.

BUT!!!

A page or two later she refers to her cats as ASSHOLES!!!!????

WHAT?????

She says ”......Or because these cats are assholes. I'm leaning toward the latter, because these same cats just murdered Hailey’s pet frogs today. It was a goddamn massacre.”

While The Begowned Girl is further impressed that my hilariousness is on par with that of The Bloggess, I am horrified that people might think that I'm ripping Jenny Lawson off....YIKES!!!!

I SWEAR, ON THE SOON-TO-BE-RE-NOSED GIRL’S LIFE, THAT I AM NOT A COPYCAT!!!!

I thought all that shark attack/asshole cat stuff up all on my very own.

My cat IS a total asshole!!!

And he kills stuff!!!

And I kinda wished he'd lose a limb in an unfortunate shark attack.

I didn't need Jenny Lawson as inspiration...the flurry of goldfinch feathers and the death squeals of the chippy are inspiration enough for me.

Please don't take this as evidence that I am a plague riser <---BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....apparently, I spelled ‘plagiarist’ incorrectly and that's what autocorrect gave me...’plague riser’...Yep.

Works for me. :)

YAY!!!! I'm cheered up already.

 :D

Plague riser.

Hee Hee Hee

Anyhow... Please don't take this similarity in writing style as evidence that I am one who plagiarizes because I lack the ability to be original.

Instead, please take this as further evidence that cats are assholes. 

Yet another reason why I hate my cat.

Asshole.

 p.s. The Girl pulled through A-OK...bleeding and bruised but she is one tough cookie and is a sweet and appreciative patient :) Love you, Baby!!

Birds Are Assholes.

"Why I Hate Birds"
by: squirrel_e_girl

I hate birds because birds are assholes.

You wanna know why birds are assholes??

They’re assholes because they are birds.

And birds wake up super early.

4:37 a.m. to be exact.

Assholes.

And birds make way too much noise with all their happy birdie singing and chirping.

At 4:37 a.m.

And they make all that cheery ruckus right outside my bedroom windows and they are so f&@king loud that they drown out both my white noise machine AND a ceiling fan on high.

And they wake me up.

At 4:37.

Assholes.

That is why I hate birds.

THE END


p.s. Yes, I have a machine that makes white noise. I have sleep issues so get off my back (this gadget also makes heartbeat noise and thunderstorm noise and running stream noise and ocean wave noise and a bunch of other noises, including songbird noise...???...If I wanted stupid songbird noise I'd turn the stupid machine off and listen to the choir of assholes that hang out outside my window.)

p.p.s. I spend from 4:37am-7:00 am with a pillow over my head in an effort to get back to sleep. This effort meets with slight to moderate success.

FYI-Feather pillows are far more effective at blocking out stupid bird singing noises than either foam pillows or buckwheat pillows. I find that kinda funny.

p.p.p.s. I'm thinking I may have to put my bird feeders back up again and let Rowdy take care of my bird problem which, in turn, may just distract him from killing chipmunks. Voila!! Problem Solved!! One could say that i was killing two birds with one stone....muah ha ha!!

p.p.p.p.s. Just jokin'.

p.p.p.p.p.s. Or am I??

hmmmmmmm


Speaking of assholes...

To Speedo or Not To Speedo, That is the Question.

Over the years, I've had a bit of an on again/off again... primarily off again ...relationship with Fred Rogers... You may know him from a little community cable show called "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood".

Growing up, I lived in the country so, automatically, I was a reluctant member of the "Kids Without Cable Club". Kinda like the "Mickey Mouse Club" but different...we didn't have a catchy theme song and we certainly didn't have any funky hats. If you weren't  a member, you didn't miss much. It was a crap club.

As a preschooler, the only fellas I had to help wile away my post-breakfast/pre-lunch hours were The Friendly Giant  and Mr. Dress Up. Mr. Rogers hadn't made it up into my neck of the woods. I'm not even sure when I first met Fred, he kind of just weaseled his way into my collective consciousness. Maybe I caught an occasional glimpse of him when I was visiting my cousin who lived in Streetsville and had waaaaaayyy more channels than I did. She had at least 8, maybe even 9. I'm not sure if she actually had cable or just lived further south than me and therefore was closer to the States so her rabbit ears could pick up some American signals...dunno... but I clearly remember meeting Captain Kangaroo and Commander Tom at her house...

waaaaiiiiit a minute...

Why were all the children's show hosts creepy middle-aged dudes??

That's creepy.

Speaking of creepy,  I'll get back to the actual subject of this post, Mr. Rogers...

Actually, here's a quick aside...

~A Quick Aside/Stream of Consciousness Tangent- Remember Eddie Murphy's sketch on Saturday Night Live called Mr Robinson's Neighborhood?? Awesome.~


Ok...back to creepy.

I began to spend a bit more time with Fred after my daughter was born. She kinda liked him, so every now and then we'd watch. I don't know why but that show always made me a little uncomfortable and never more so than when he did an episode that followed him as he went through his daily ritual of going to the pool in order to swim some lengths.

It was perhaps the weirdest 10 minutes of television I'd ever seen.

The camera actually followed him into the change room where he slipped into his Speedo, which was weird enough in and of itself, but THEN there was an underwater shot of him swimming above the camera in his SPEEDO...

Mr. Rogers in a SPEEDO.

Swimming above the camera.

That image was burned indelibly into my brain and has stuck with me through thick and thin for over 14 years (which is slightly longer than my dumb Erstwhile Husband did...BAM!). I think it  might've robbed me of several years of my life...and I think it also explains one or two of my current mental health issues.

The thing is, no one else had ever witnessed it and everyone would look at me kinda strange-like whenever I'd bring it up. So, eventually, I just buried it deep down inside my squirrelly little brain and tried, in vain, to forget all about it.

Until last week...

I saw a video on Facebook (which I'll get to later) that brought it and all its beSpeedo'd splendour back up to the forefront of my mind. I needed to prove to myself that this episode actually existed and wasn't something I had made up in my state of early motherhood sleep deprivation.

So, being the Internet Genius that I am, I did some Internet Investigation and did, in fact, find a video of  Mr. Rogers swimming ...but he was wearing plain ol swimming trunks NOT a Speedo ...damn...AND he was swimming with a boy.

....eek.

Isn't that one of the creepiest things you have EVER seen. And what's with the music??

As bizarre as that clip is, I wasn't convinced that I was looney enough to have morphed plain ol' swim trunks into a yucky Speedo, so I dug a little deeper and came up with.....

THIS!!!!  <----- for full impact of THIS!!! please click on that link. Thank you.

Check out the screenshots about mid-way through the page. There is a pic of him swimming and those are definitely NOT plain ol' swim trunks.

AND!!!!

I'll actually copy and paste an excerpt from a book some lady wrote about Mr. Rogers and refers specifically to a Speedo.

HA!! I'm NOT a looney.

See for yourself:

• As for the footage of Mister Rogers' swim, I think Amy Hollingsworth touches on this perfectly in her bookThe Simple Faith of Mister Rogers:

  Even when he showed us something he was good at -- his diaily discipline of swimming -- he demonstrated another side of his vulnerability. He wanted to show his television neighbor where he swam each day, so a camera followed him to the locker room and shot him as he took off his suit and bow tie (we saw him from the shoulders up, but we still knew he was disrobing). He donned a real swimming suit, not the long bathing trunks used for leisurely swims. He slid off the rim of the pool, and the underwater camera showed his pale body swimming to and fro, muscles lilting. He was all alone in the water: no cardigan, no blue sneakers -- just Mister Rogers in a Speedo. The images were underlaid with dulcet music and were almost lyrical to watch, but equally difficult. You almost felt like you should look away, he was so vulnerably exposed; but that was Fred, laying bare his best gift, his honest self.

SEE!!!

I actually think that SHE is the one who is a bit looney.

What she sees as vulnerable and honest I saw as creepy and super crazy disturbing.

Chacun son gout, I guess.

Now that I've established that I am totally and completely normal ...har har...by proving that Fred Rogers did some f&*king creepy stuff...

 ... I will go on to explain how I've forgiven Fred for scarring me for life and actually admit that I've developed a sort of begrudging fondness of and appreciation for the man.

A couple of weeks ago, I was spending far too much time looking a cool stuff on Pinterest and I happened upon this picture:

I LOVED THIS!! And it kinda began to melt the icy grossed-outtedness I had felt towards good old Fred for over a decade.

So, last week, when I watched the video I mentioned earlier in the post, my anti-Mr Rogers resolve had already begun to weaken.

Here is that video:

Isn't that sweet...in a weird auto-tuned creepy kinda way??

Fred Rogers, you are A-OK in my book.

You were a good man who did good (and creepy) things.

Well Done.

Mostly.

The Name's Genius. Internet Genius.

I just uploaded a video to YouTube for the very first time in my whole entire life.

Oh yeah.


*Please see previous post for proof of my astounding internet savvy...not to mention my kickass videography. BAM.

My Cat is an Asshole.

WARNING: This post contains scenes of violence and profane language that may offend some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

“Why I Hate My Cat” 
by: squirrel_e_girl

I hate my cat because he is an asshole.

You wanna know why he's an asshole??

He's an asshole because he is a cat.

And cats kill things.

Assholes.

He is an asshole who sucks little bits of joy out of my life so I guess that makes him a sort of vampire cat ....who is also an asshole.

He is a VAC (vampire asshole cat).

This spring, my asshole cat (whom I used to affectionately refer to as Rowdy) developed a particular fondness for wee Goldfinches. He would fling himself up into the air and snatch the poor unsuspecting finchies as they made their merry birdie way to my bird feeder to enjoy a tasty snack. It was quite a sight to behold and I beheld it only twice before my feelings of guilt got the better of me.

The aerial carnage was too much for me.

I couldn't live with the fact that my bird feeders were supplying my murderous ninja asshole cat a near constant supply of feathery fare. It was like shooting fish in a barrel...only it was more like slaughtering finches at a bird feeder.

Those of you who have been with me for awhile are well aware of how much I love(d) watching birds eat. It was with a heavy heart that I took my bird feeders down and retired them to a shelf in the garage...where they will stay until stupid Asshole Cat croaks or loses a leg in an unfortunate shark attack either of which would render him incapable of murdering birds.

And ever since I cut-off his supply of poultry, Asshole Cat has lowered his sights and now focuses his murderous ways on the  ground.

You know who lives on the ground??

Chipmunks.

You know what I love even more than watching birds eat??

Yep.

Chipmunks.

Last week, I had the horrible misfortune of having to listen helplessly as Asshole Cat killed a chipmunk he had expertly trapped under our deck .... Chipmunks do not go down quietly. Poor thing. :(

And this morning, whilst watering my flowers, I caught a small flurry of activity out of the corner of my eye. That small flurry of activity just happened to be Asshole Cat in the process of murdering yet another chipmunk.

Asshole.

Hoping to distract him from his nefarious task, I ran towards him, screaming like a one of those guys in Braveheart. He didn't even flinch so I pitched the water from my watering jug at him and he dropped the chippy but was lightning fast and snatched it right back up again.

Undaunted, I then hurled the actual watering jug itself at him. Unfortunately, it is a flimsy plastic Ikea product and, as such, not a very effective projectile. Also, as mentioned in a previous post, I am somewhat lacking in any sort of throwing skills so that lack of skill, coupled with the Swedes' lack of foresight when designing hefty watering jugs/chipmunk murder deterrents, made for a rather dismal show of preventative aggression.

But...

Luckily, I must've confused him with my jaw-droppingly awesome throw because he slackened his chomp on his adorable prey and it quickly slipped out from between his sharp pointy cat teeth and scampered, at an astonishingly high rate of speed, up the nearest tree to safety. Mind you, I did have to wrestle his would-be murderer to the ground as he shot up the tree after it.

The whole incident left me very unhappy.

And that is why I hate my cat.

THE END

For now...

I'll most likely forgive him soon and not hate him because he really is one of the coolest sweetest kitties I've ever met...he just also happens to kill goldfinches and chipmunks.

Asshole.

Here is video evidence of his assholery:

THIS JUST IN!!!!!

HUGE NEWS!!!

My blog now has a brand new official theme song!!!

 ...not that it ever had an original official theme song, but still.

And it's all thanks to some Jay character (I have absolutely no idea who he is) who was referenced by another person who commented on a picture a Friend Friend tagged me in.(I've no idea who she is either...the picture commenter, not my Friend Friend...I know who she is...and she's f$&king kickass).

Thank You, Jay. Whoever you are!!

And thanks, too, to my Friend Friend's Friend for referring to Jay!!

And, thanks, thrice, to my kickass Friend Friend!!

I may...or more probably, may not since I am me...be able to upload the picture that has caused such a commotion. If I AM able to then it'll go right here:

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love it!!

But, as excellent as that picture is, it's not what I'm here to talk about.

Are you ready, kids??

Aye Aye, Captain!!

OK!!!

My Blog’s Brand New Official Theme Song is.....

"I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry....only it’s not for the first reason that probably immediately popped into your sweet pervy little minds...

So, what word rhymes with “Girl”???

BINGO!!!

...it's not Bingo ....obvs.

SQUIRREL.

"SQUIRREL" rhymes with “Girl”!!!

That's right.

Awesome. I know.

So, now whenever you hear that familiar refrain: “I kissed a girl and I liked it!!” you must substitute “SQUIRREL” for “girl”.

Yep.

“I kissed a SQUIRREL and I liked it!!!”

BAM!!!


p.s Now for something completely different:(it's amazing just how many covers of "I Kissed a Squirrel" there are out there. Who knew??)

That one is by an Israeli dude named Ivri Lider ...although he may not be Israeli, it just says that this song was popular on Israeli radio so I'm drawing my own conclusions.

That one is by who the hell knows because I can't find it anymore...perhaps it says on the actual video?? It's pretty great regardless of who these fellers are.

p.p.s. I wrote this post in record time so I apologize if it's not as polished and refined as my 'work' usually is ;)

Schnauzers and Cat Barf and Bears. Oh My?

Alternately Titled: "I Am Nothing...If Not Random."


This is not a real post, just a few random thoughts and things that I feel like sharing today.

Some ”musings”, if you will.

From the squirrel cage.

That said, here’s...

"A Comprehensive List of Random 'Musings'(if you will) That I Feel Like Sharing Today"
by: squirrel_e_girl

• iContinue to feed my iTunes habit with the addition of a kickass blast from my past that goes by the name “The Hurting” by Tears for Fears ....oh f#%king yeah...AND... “The Style Council: Greatest Hits” by (you guessed it) The Style Council...I probably should've been more selective in my selection since apparently, I really only find 74.62% (approx.) of their greatest hits to be all that great and the others I don't particularly care for. Damn...AND... 6 songs off of “The Very Best of Grateful Dead” by (yep) Grateful Dead...you see how I've learned to pick and choose and saved myself $8 worth of “DOH! I don't particularly care for this song. Wish I hadn't bought it”...AND... in keeping with my Dead-ish mood... a live version of “Bouncing Around the Room” by Phish...very fun and.... bouncy.  

• I highly recommend that everyone rush over to their friendly neighbourhood  iTunes account this very instant and download “Barton Hollow” by The Civil Wars ....the ENTIRE album, NOT just a couple of songs. It is SPECTACULAR ...it really truly is. Really Really. Here is but a tiny taste of what your ears will be treated to: Barton Hollow

• Take it from me, a Black Bear runs really super crazy fast. 

• I am horribly disappointed...HORRIBLY DISAPPOINTED!!!...by the way The Boy and some of his friends were treated by their teachers while away at their much-anticipated Grade 8  camping trip (and, subsequently, by the way the situation was handled by the Principal when they returned). A small insignificant incident was blown way way WAY out of proportion and to say that this incident was handled inappropriately (as ‘admitted’ by said Principal) would be putting mildly. I'm struggling with how to put the injustice of the whole situation behind me but I will and I just needed to vent a little bit. I now will reassume my usual clever, witty and devil may care manner :) 

• We are going to a wedding dance tonight and I guess I was feeling a bit  masochistic, so  I tried on the sundress that I wore to a wedding 5 years ago...and, by some Universe-mandated miracle, it still fits. WAHOOoooOOOoOO!! I’m not going to wear it ’cause it's chilly as a bastard today, but still...it fits :) 

• Watching an 80lb Giant Schnauzer forcibly 'hug' and then hump the bejeezus out of my wee little 20lb Wheaten/Mini Schnauzer mix is as amusing as it is annoying ....Sorry, Willow. I always do drag her off as soon as I finish my quick giggle. 

• I feel I must add “Grooming my dogs with clippers” to my "A Comprehensive List of Stuff That I Am Really REALLY Crap At and Will Never Be Good At...EVER" ...I suck so so so bad at it that it's pretty hilarious and is why I will go back to paying a professional groomer to cut my dogs' hair. Also, while I'm at it, I am crap at unloading a full clean dishwasher. And, who’s kidding who...when I said I was crap at transferring clean folded clothes from laundry basket to my closet, I should've said I am crap at transferring my clothes from the dryer to anywhere. Even getting my clothes from the washing machine to the dryer can be a struggle. Even getting my clothes into the washing machine...even getting my clothes into my dirty laundry hamper...damn. I am crap at all things “Laundry”. Period. Laundry. Dishes. Dogs. 

• My Guy awoke this morning to find that one of our cats had barfed on top of his laptop....super gross, I know, but at least it was closed at the time of the upchuck.This afternoon, I tried to start it up (in order to write a real blog post with pictures of ducks and turkeys and everything).... to no avail which is super frustrating especially since it is his computer from work and on Monday, he'll have to go to his IT department and explain that a cat regurgitated on their computer . It is interesting to note, however, that the computer in question is a ToughBook. For those of you who do not want to take the extra step of clicking on that link, ToughBook is described by Wikipedia as “a trademarked brand name owned by Panasonic Corporation and refers to its line of rugged computers. The Toughbook is designed to withstand vibration, drops, spills, extreme temperature, and other rough handling.[1]” and  “Toughbooks” have also inadvertently served as bulletproof vests.[6]”. I am extraordinarily tickled by the fact that this tank of a laptop was brought to its bulletproof knees by a 6 lb stripey kitty cat. Awesome. My Guy fails to see the awesomeness in this situation. Yet. 

• Whereas, My Guy awoke to find his ToughBook decorated with a pile of cat vomit, I awoke to a pretty flowery bubblewrap envelope containing one of the most thoughtful and most excellent gifts I have ever received!!! A wonderfully AWESOME friend/Kindred Spirit sent me a personalized autographed copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)” by Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess ... one of my most favourite bloggers in the entire Universe. I am a lucky lucky LUCKY girl!!!

That is all.

p.s. I am worried about my brain...only after a dozen and a half or so read-throughs of my published post did I notice that I had used the wrong "Principal" ... I had originally used "Principle". May not seem like a big deal to you but I was mortified...and greatly relieved to have caught my error.

And "Loser" by Beck is a masterpiece.

That is all.

Again.

For Now.