So, I might've mentioned a couple of times that I spend the vast majority of my time surrounded by dogs.
Which is awesome in so very many ways...
BUT....
Something happened today that made me think that I should probably start making a point of seeking out more human contact.
Yuck.
Humans.
Let me tell you what made me realize that I am perhaps in need of fewer canine companions...
Ok...so, years ago I saw a super funny picture that made me snort with mirth. In my personal repertoire of laughs, "the snort" is reserved strictly for things that catch me totally off-guard with their inappropriate hilariousness.
Awesome.
The other day, I was perusing Pinterest and one of the "Pinners" I follow just happened to pin that very same picture.
Once again, its sudden appearance in my life elicited a mirthful snort.
This is the picture:
Brilliant.
You may ...or may not... see where I'm going with this.
I spend a lot of time with dogs.
Logically, I see a lot of dog bums.
Up until today, I've never invested any real time and/or thought into actually "looking" at dog bums.
Seeing...yes.
Actually looking...no.
Up.
Until.
Today.
I have been an avowed non-Christian since I hit double-digits, but now I find myself searching for Jesus.
In dog bums.
Good Christ.
p.s. I offer up my sincerest apologies to Bono and The Boys for sullying their song...
p.p.s. Is it just me, or do Bono and Bobcat Goldtwait have similar vocalization patterns??
So a super fast offering tonight...we just got back from a most excellent beach camping trip (which I will tell you all about later...lucky you) and I am sandy and soggy and pooped and very very ready to sleep in my own comfy bed.
In honour of hot and steamy summer vacations on the water....
Here is:
“squirrel_e_girl & The Girl’s Country Tune of the Week”
During our summer vacation this past week, The Girl and I got to spend a whole bunch of time together, driving in “The Super Cool Girls’ Car” (as opposed to “The Dumb Ol’ Boys’ Car”) and I think we hit a pretty solid happy medium when it came to what songs we listened to on the radio.... and what songs we didn't.
Now that she is a bonafide country music lover, there are far fewer Mother-Daughter Punching Matches over what songs get played in the car. We can also agree on some of the current half-decent pop songs and I can sometimes barely stomach some of the current crappy pop songs that she likes (jesus...there are some shitty SHITTY songs out there) and she tolerates some of the songs from my youth (I'm pretty sure she's a wee bit tired of hearing “OH MY GOD!!! I LOVED THIS SONG!!!” or “I was younger than you are now when this song first came out” or “HOLY SHITBALLS!!! This song has gotta be 25 years old ...at least.” or “Man...I don't think I've heard that one in 20 years” and then I'd silently weep for 10 minutes each time I inwardly acknowledged the fact that I can actually use 20 or 25 years as cultural reference points in my past).
And, probably best of all, were the songs from my youth that she knows and loves. YAY!!! Par example...We had a huge crazy blast singing our hearts out to “It’s My Life!!” by Bon Jovi...she actually knows all the words!!?? Not sure how or why... but she does and it's kickass that she does :) And ... goddamn but I do heart Jon Bon Jovi...RARRR
But, now to our this week’s pick...
We've chosen “Pontoon” by Little Big Town...not to be confused with my video game nemesis Little Big Planet 2...Damn You, Little Big Planet!!! Damn you to Little Big Hell!!!!!
This song is groovy and fun and really really summery.
...and groovy
...and fun.
Enjoy!!!
These guys are kinda like a country version of ABBA, dontcha think?? ... Well, I sure do.
Happy Summer!!! *********************
p.s. To switch things up a bit, here is a song that definitely is NOT country but I LOVE it. I would even go so far as to say that... I. F$&KING. LOVE. It. Consequently, I want to share it with you, my Beloved Readers.
When I first heard this song, I was sure that I had heard it somewhere before...but I hadn't. And then I figured that it must be a cover of some super cool song that I used to know...but it wasn't. The explanation I came up with in order to explain its weird familiarity is that it sounds like pretty much every super cool funky sexy song I've ever heard .... all rolled into one amazing piece of awesomeness.
Here is “Youth Without Youth” by Metric (a fantastic little Canadian Band) You're welcome...
Well, actually 4 strangest things happened to me tonight.
Earlier this evening, The Girl, My Guy and I decided to go to the movies to see “The Dark Knight Rises”. We figured that it's been out for a few weeks so there was no real pressure to get there super early.
We had a nice leisurely dinner at home.
Hung out with the dogs in the yard.
I “pegged out” some laundry on the line. <----that's what my English boss calls it
Even towels, socks and unmentionables were pegged out ...three laundry items that, ever since I was a child and was forced to wear/use “crisp" (aka not even a little bit soft) line-dried towels/socks/underwears...my Mom was a pioneer like me... I've promised myself that I'd never again have to endure “crisp” towels/socks/panties but there is no end to the sacrifices us pioneers make in the name of pioneering.
In case you're keeping track, that was Strangest Thing #1.... “Pegging Out Laundry-Specifically....Towels/Socks/Gitch”
Ok.
Moving on...
So, because we were in “no big rush, the movie’s been out for a few weeks”, we got to the theatre only 10 minutes before the movie starts...something that I just never ever do...ever. I am a total and complete FreakShow when it comes to getting to a movie early so I can get a good seat...
Dead centre. 2nd....3rd...maybe 4th row from the back. Back row is AOK, too.
I actually have a mini teeny tiny anxiety attack while waiting in line to buy tickets/snacks each and every time I go to a movie. I cannot help myself. Spur of the moment strategies are devised in order to facilitate getting through the lineups in the shortest amount of time possible so that I can get into the actual theatre and get seated in my good seat.
So, the fact that we got to the theatre 10 minutes before showtime just happens to be Strangest Thing #2...”Getting to the Theatre Less Than One Half Hour Before Showtime”
I wasn't even the least bit bothered by our tardiness. By the by...Strangest Thing #3...“Not Being The Least Bit Bothered By Our Tardiness”
Strangest Thing or Act of Remarkable Personal Growth? You be the judge.
As we casually strolled down the corridor to Theatre 3 where our movie was playing, My Guy pointed out a sign with a big number 3 on it standing in front of a whole lot of velvet ropey line-up thingies.
Empty velvet ropey line-up thingies.
Empty.
Velvet ropey line-up thingies.
Uh oh.
That did not bode well.
Shit.
Cue not so teeny tiny anxiety attack.
So, I quickened our pace in through the doors and up the ramp and around the corner and...
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!
A sight that turns my brain to a quivering blob of squirrel_e_ness...
A FULL THEATRE!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!
The only empty bank of seats is the two stupid rows at the very stupid front of the stupid theatre.
No way in HELL am I going to sit in that purgatory.
I could not believe that I was actually one of *those* people I usually roll my eyes and look down my nose at ...no easy feat, in case you were wondering... as I self-righteously proclaim to myself, “Self, how can anyone possibly expect to get 3 seats together if they arrive only 10 measly minutes before show time?? Silly stupid tardy people!!!”
I was a silly stupid tardy people!!!
But luckily, all was not lost.
As I determinedly scanned the upper rows for some ray of hope, I spied, in the top far right corner, two free seats with one free seat separated by only two people.
Problem solved.
Crisis averted.
Excellent.
So, re-energized by my imminent and crafty not to mention, valiant escape from movie theatre no man’s land...why the hell do they even put those rows there in the first place, the cruel sadistic bastards??? I led the charge up the stairs to our awaiting back-row seats...not dead centre but late-comers can't be choosers.
I reached my lofty destination and sweetly asked the nice older couple “Do you think it'd be possible if you could skootch over one seat so that my lovely family can sit together?”....or something to that effect....I probably dazzled him with my off-the-cuff, unrehearsed grammatically brilliant request...I am so good at that sort of thing
Strangest Thing #D...“Me Actually Having the Balls to Ask Someone to Skootch Seats So That My Kid, My Guy and I Could Sit Together”.
Or, perhaps, more Remarkable Personal Growth??? Crazy???
I guess I kinda assumed the question to be just a sort of formality ...a rhetorical question, really, because of course you're going to skootch over a seat so that a lovely family can sit together...right??
Wrong.
This dude said, “No. I got here good and early so I could have these seats and there's no way I'm moving.”
To which I replied, “Really?? Oh...ok...thank you.”...and we turned and walked back down the stairs.
I actually said “thank you” to the big jerk.
“thank you”???
I am such a weenie.
Who the hell refuses to skootch over a seat???
WHO????
That guy.
Who the hell says “thank you” to a guy who just refused to skootch over a seat for them??
WHO???
This guy.
DOH!!
Anyhow, we managed to find 3 empty just o.k. seats, mid-theatre but off to the right a little too much for my liking. And My Guy was awesome and took the loner seat just in front of the 2 seats together where The Girl and I sat, and we made do and handed our drink and bag of popcorn back and forth...probably annoying the bejeesus outta the people sitting beside us.
In hindsight, it would've been vindictively beautiful if we had’ve actually taken the seats on either side of No-Skootch Dude and his Wife and passed our snacks back and forth in front of them for the entire show.
Bahahahhaha...
Alas...we had to settle for annoying the innocents who we did end up sitting beside. Poor bastards.
And, as an added bonus, I got to listen to the delightful woman sitting beside me share rather loudly with her husband, some of the most ridiculous and unintentionally entertaining dumbass commentary I would’ve ever believed possible, on almost every aspect of the movie .
Awesome.
Also awesome was the fact that The Girl and I totally called the ending of the movie.
Many Mother-Daughter fist bumps were executed.
Which I'm sure annoyed no one in our immediate movie-viewing vicinity.
Not a pioneer in the ground-breaking-doing-things-before-anyone-else-does kinda way.
That's boring.
I am pretty much a pioneer in the covered-wagon-driving, sod-house-living, carrying-my-lunch-in-a-tin-pail-to-school, Laura-Ingalls-big-bonnet-wearing, Little-House-on-the-F$&king-Prairie kinda way.
Yep.
I am.
Allow me to elaborate.
As we are all well aware, I now cultivate my own vegetables in my own vegetable garden and then I harvest them and I eat them.
AND...
As of yesterday...or more recently even... today,
I now hang my laundry out to dry....
On a clothesline.
Outside.
Yep.
Old.
School.
That's me.
Half Pint.
Since I am now living off the bounty of the Earth, this week’s “squirrel_e_girl & The Girl’s Country Tune of the Week” is near and dear to my pioneer farmin’ heart....so I am pleased to introduce to you:
“squirrel_e_girl & The Girl’s Country Tune of the Week”
The Girl and I have chosen yet another Luke Bryan song because:
1) As previously mentioned, he’s awesome and we love him and he looks damn fine in a ball cap...even if it is a camo ball cap.
2) This song is probably the first new country to catch my ear and make me laugh.
3) We really REALLY need rain.
AND
D) He uses the word “ warshin’ ”
...nuff said.
So that said, here’s “Rain is a Good Thing” by Luke Bryan
So, my 42nd birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm finally getting around to having a 40th birthday party.
You see, two years ago, when I actually turned 40, I wasn't feeling particularly settled or comfortable with myself.
I was happy but weirdly unsettled.
Since I had never had a problem with getting older in the past, I couldn't figure out why 40 was throwing me for a loop.
My retrospective theory is that my life had gone through some pretty significant changes ... some pretty great significant changes but some pretty shit significant changes, too... and my head and heart were still trying to get catch their respective breaths.
A bunch of my friends turned 40 that year, too, and most of them had celebrated with big super fun birthday parties. My Guy really wanted to throw a big party for me but, much to his chagrin, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't get into the big-birthday-party-having mood.
However, we did mark the occasion with a wonderful birthday BBQ and the only celebrants were My Guy, The Girl, my Mom, Dad, Sister and Bro-in-Law and Niece (The Boy and my other Niece were off at camp.) We had steak and salad and a DQ Reese Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard cake...Oh YEAH!! And My Guy and My Mom demolished several bottles of red wine...I have the pictures to prove it :)
It was perfect.
Then My Guy and I had a relaxing night away at a relaxing resort and had an eventful boat trip home...but, Hammy Hamster, THAT is another story.
AND!!!!
And...
My Guy and My Kiddos got me what is now my most cherished possession...My iPad.
How awesome was THAT??!!
And I'm pretty sure that they now wish they had never given it to me ... I might spend a lil bit of time with it...maybe ...possibly ...probably... definitely.
oops
So, I definitely was NOT neglected on my 40th ...in fact, I was completely pampered and wonderfully spoiled, as I am on all special occasions (THANKS SWEETIE!!)
It was EXACTLY what I needed!!
It was very low-key and lovely.
But...
I still felt really strange about being 40.
BUT...
All that has changed and I'm ready to fully embrace my 40s!!
YAY ME!!!
The Boy and The Girl are excellent. They have navigated beautifully, all the changes they've had to go through over the past few years and I couldn't be more pleased ...or relieved...that they've made it through to the other side and are so well-balanced and awesome that it kinda freaks me out a little bit. I have 2 teenagers in the house and they're nice... and happy. It's weird.
My Guy is excellent...and patient ...and gentle ...and patient ...and thoughtful ...and patient and has hung in there while I worked through a lot of the super squirrel_e_ness that has been zipping around in my brain and I love him a whole big bunch for that.
We have a beautiful house that is excellent and I feel like I'm finally home after 4 years of upheaval and re-settling.
And...
That is cause for celebration, don't you think??
Me, too.
And...
It just so happens that my birfday is coming up so I figured we could have a sort of combination Birthday/Homecoming Party to commemorate these milestone events.
Since I'm a little late with one of those milestones, I'm calling this...
"My 40th (+2) Birthday Bonfire!!"
And...
If you'd like to come and celebrate with me ...you can!!
Well, I kinda have to know you ... so if you know me and you wanna come then please feel free to send me an email or a Facebook message and I'll fill you in on all the deets.
I am having a bastard of a time starting this week’s
“squirrel_e_girl & The Girl's Country Tune of the Week”
We’ve picked our song but I'm just not feeling very inspired and writer-y tonight, so I might have to mail this one in and lay down a bare bones post. Ho Hum. Wah Wah Wah.
Maybe I'm just too tuckered out from harvesting a whole whack of tomatoes and cucumbers from the ol’ bunny-free veggie patch. We’re still waiting on the red peppers to turn red and the carrots to fatten up.
My radish crop was a complete flop...which is A-OK by me... Radishes...BLECH... BARF ...YUCK. Apparently, one has to thin out the rows once they start growing in order to give them enough elbow room to get all round and radish-like. If one fails to cull the radish-herd, one ends up with skinny scraggly things that look like gross mutated pinky-red carrots. Off to the compost bin they all went...Too bad the rabbit went to the great strawberry field in the sky...perhaps he would've enjoyed several dozen mutant radishes.
Actually, there’s a bit of a problem with my cucumbers, too. I'm afraid that they may have grown too big...which greatly increases their comedic value but I'm pretty sure it adversely affects their flavour. If I didn’t hate them I guess I'd know for sure because I'd actually taste one...maybe they're delicious??? Then they'd be dual-purpose vegetables: tasty snack AND excellent prop for inappropriate super funny jokes. Alas, I do hate them so they only fall into the "excellent prop for inappropriate super funny jokes” purpose category.
OK...enough talk of phallic-symbol humour. I must really be hard-up for material if I resort to discussing radishes and cucumbers.BLECH... BARF ...YUCK.
Back to my mailed-in, bare-boner post:
So here's ...
“squirrel_e_girl & The Girl's Country Tune of the Week”
We’ve picked “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)” by Luke Bryan.
He’s awesome and I think I might choose him again next week. He actually sings the very first new country song that ever caught my ear with its silly lyrics ...but that's next week.
He also wears a ball cap really well and but I do love me boys in ball caps. Rarr.
This video is kinda goofy but don't let it distract you from the actual song which is best listened to really loud.
Beloved Readers, may I present to you...
Luke Bryan’s “Country Squirrel (Shake it For Me)”<--- you had to know that was coming
Apart from maybe a few too many bum shakes by Luke, I think it's an ok video and it is a kick ass song regardless of how may times he shakes his bum in a ridiculous manner.
Did you happen to catch my two super subtle/super funny penis jokes?? I am a laugh riot.
Did you also happen to catch the actual squirrel reference in the song and not just my bastardization of the song's title??
When you were wee, did you ever run into Peter Rabbit and all his cute fluffy pals? He was the main character in Beatrix Potter's "Peter Rabbit and His Cute Fluffy Pals" series of kids' books. Actually, I'm pretty positive that the series went by another name but I'm feeling a little too lazy to Google it right now so I'm re-christening the series for my own bloggy purpose...poetic/creative license and all that.
Anyhow, Peter Rabbit et al spent a bunch of time making the token human character, Mr. MacGregor's, life miserable by raping and pillaging his vegetable garden.
A Grammatical Query: which word shows possession in that case "character's" or "Mr. MacGregor's"??
These past few weeks, I have felt a rather strong affinity with the much-abused Mr. MacGregor.
Get outta my garden you wascally wabbit
My new house happens to have a very small raised bed that my sister-in-law(the previous homeowner) used as a vegetable garden. I’ve never ever had a veggie garden of my own before so I was very excited to try my hand at bringing forth food from the earth...just like my Mom.
Every summer, for as long as I can remember, my Mom has had an enormous garden. When my siblings and I were young, we were conscripted into her slave labour garden workforce to "pick stones" and pull weeds and lots of other little menial garden-y tasks. We were her grubby little garden minions.
The pay was pretty excellent though...all the veggies we could sneak without her catching us...kinda like Peter and his friends. If you've never had the chance to gorge on freshly-pulled carrots (...you wipe the dirt off in dew-soaked grass, if available, and if not you can run them under the hose...delicious!!) you are missing out on one of the best things in the whole entire Universe. Also super tasty are peas in their pod and yellow and green beans and tomatoes. She also grew radishes and cucumbers and onions and green peppers but they are on:
"A Comprehensive List of Vegetables That I Think Are Gross and Therefore Will Not Eat Them" by: squirrel_e_girl
Radishes ... I don't even want to think about how gross they are let alone muster up the words to describe how gross they are. They are the worst vegetable. Period. YUCK. F&@K.
Cucumbers... Wouldn't eat them EVER... under any circumstances until just recently. I will now almost sometimes think about eating them if they are in a Greek Salad...or if I've been tricked into eating them when they've been hidden in a Mariposa Market sandwich.
Green Peppers...If I had a nickel for every little chopped up piece of green pepper I've painstakingly picked off pizza or out of a salad, I’d be a gazillionaire. A very time intensive task. Actually, same goes for onions so that'd make me gazillionaire X 2...a bigazillionaire, perhaps.
Brussel Sprouts...Little gross green balls of disgustingness. No amount of butter can make these little bastards palatable.
Hmmmmmmmm.....I may have lost the plot a little.
So...Back to my story...
To Recap:
-New House
-Little raised vegetable garden bed
-Very excited to plant veggies for the first time and feed my children food that I have cultivated with my own bare hands...primal stuff.
OK...
So, this spring I dove right in and cleaned out my new veggie patch...pulling out a million little baby chives and a million little pine cone type things that had blown in and one nasty bitey nettle bush that I'm not sure how or why it got in there in the first place...I'm thinking My S-i-L must've booby-trapped it...she's mean like that ;) ...But seriously...have you ever had a run-in with a nettle bush?? Envision several thousand angry red bitey ants attacking your hand...then pouring gas on it and then lighting it on fire....That's how it feels to tangle with a nettle bush. It f$&king KILLS.
My Guy brought in about a million pounds of triple mix to make new flower beds with and he also used some to top up my veggie garden. And with my topped up, mixed up, beautifully raked bed ready for planting, I headed off to buy me some veggies.
As I mentioned earlier, it's very small so I had to choose my choices carefully....and since choosing choices is an arduous task for me to begin with, choosing choices carefully was AGONIZING!!
BUT!!!
I did it!!!
I bought 2 little tomato plants and 4 little broccoli plants and 2 little red pepper plants and 2 little strawberry plants (they were very different plants which I found interesting so I bought em both as an experiment...I am a thrill-seeker). I also bought a packet of sunflower seeds and a packet of carrots seeds ....
And here is where shit gets crazy...
I also bought 1 little cucumber plant....AND... a packet of radish seeds....THAT!!!! is how much I love My Guy.
Cucumbers and f&@king Radishes.
I bought 2 little wire cages for my little tomato plants and 1 little wire cage for my little cucumber plant...my Mom suggested that since my space is limited, growing my cucumbers up instead of out would be a good idea...who knew???
Now, before I planted my wee plants or sowed my wee seeds, I had to sift through the beautifully prepared soil and remove all the DISGUSTING CAT POOP that my Asshole Cat had deposited there. He must've thought he had died and gone to Asshole Cat Heaven...because, while it might be a teeny veggie patch to me, it is an ENORMOUS open air kitty litter...a Kitty Poop Patch, if you will...to him.
Asshole.
I really wish I had taken a picture of my beautiful little veggie garden...it was so neat and tidy and beautiful and so full of promise and hopes and dreams.
Little did I know that it was also full of frustration, disappointment and heartbreak.
And this is where I get back to telling you why I'm feeling a strong affinity towards Mr. MacGregor...the woodland creature hating man.
You wanna know why???
I'll tell you why!!!
WOODLAND CREATURES ARE TRYING TO WRECK MY GARDEN, GODDAMMIT!!!
The first assault on my beautiful and beloved garden (other than my cats insisting on pooping amongst the radish seeds...I guess they hate radishes, too. Wise felines.) was launched by what we first thought to be a groundhog.
We noticed that our newly planted Hosta bed had been invaded by a groundhog who had returned to reclaim the entrance to his subterranean lair. There had been what we thought was a dormant groundhog hole at the side of our house. It just happened to be located right where I wanted to plant a bunch of hostas.
Silly groundhog.
The Hosta bed was created.
The groundhog dug it up.
Silly squirrel_e_girl.
Groundhogs have landed on my ever-growing List Of Assholes.
Hosta Bed/Groundhog Hole...the sand isn't supposed to be there
The dug up Hosta bed was just the beginning of the horror...for we walked over to admire my fine looking vegetable garden in an effort to soothe the pain of the destroyed hostas, only to discover ...
THIS!!!!!!
Decimated Baby Broccolis
And THIS!!!
Decapitated Baby Sunflower
And THIS!!!
Leafless Baby Radishes
I was very sad.
Very.
Very.
Sad.
But...as obviously logical as it seemed to blame the veggie patch destruction on the woodchuck, a couple of things didn't add up.
A) There were no rodenty-type footie prints in the soil surrounding the vegetable carnage whereas there were rodent-y type footie prints in the desecrated Hosta bed.
2) There were other victims in my other flower gardens. The buds of a bunch of tall plants had been eaten away and unless the groundhog was wearing his stilettos, he could not have reached the tips of the tall plants.
It wasn't until we ran into our down-the-road neighbour who told us about a doe and her fawn who had been hanging out in his backyard eating their stuff that it finally made sense.
THEY were the ones who ate my broccolis and sunflowers and radish leaves....which, of course, means...
Does and Fawns (especially Fawns) are assholes.
Yep.
THEN...
With that mystery all cleared up, I was free to shift my focus to my anticipatory excitement since BOTH of my strawberry plants were sporting wee little baby strawberries !!! YAY!!! I settled in to wait until they ripened.
Left-Good Strawberry Plant...Right-Less Good Strawberry Plant
YUM YUM
The first plant to offer up tasty berries was mildly disappointing ...the berries were small and elongated and seedy and weren’t especially sweet. They were more akin to the little wild strawberries you find out in fields...still yummy but not AS yummy as I had hoped them to be.
The berries that appeared on the other plant held more promise. They were more like your typical run of the mill strawberries...nice and round and plump.
One morning, I checked in on their progress, as I do every morning, and I noticed that FINALLY, one was just about perfect. I was going to pick it and eat it as a pre-work snack but I had just brushed my teeth and didn't want the residual toothpaste taste to detract from the strawberry’s strawberriness....so I didn't.
A post-work/pre-lunch snack it would be.
I looked forward to that strawberry ALL morning and when I got home, I hopped out of the car and skipped over to my waiting strawberry snack, only to find ...
THIS!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
No groundhog or deer could do precision work like this!! Not even a wee baby asshole fawn has tiny enough teeth to commit such a dastardly yet dainty crime.
DOH!!!
We figured the strawberry nibbling thief had to be a small rodent and fingers were immediately pointed at ....say it ain't so...at one of our friendly neighbourhood squirrels.
Squirrels are assholes.
It was the same thing, day after day...kinda like the movie “Groundhog Day”...but with squirrels.
I’d check my strawberry plant for ripe-for-the-picking berries and think to My Self, “Self, how ’bout we give this one till tomorrow and then it'll be perfect and then we will eat it.”
Eager for a sweet strawberry snack, I'd check my strawberry plant the next day...
And...
BAM!!!!
The berry would be half-nibbled.
Again.
Damn YOU, Squirrel!!
Then the plot thickened...I was harvesting some of the lesser strawberries...the Berry Thief was very discerning and rarely helped itself to those ones ...and from somewhere in amongst the veggies, I heard the very angry chattering of a very angry .....CHIPMUNK!!!! And I'm pretty sure I heard him say, "Get the hell away from my strawberries, lady!! Or else I'll cut you!!"
Could it be that the asshole swiping my prized strawberries was a cute little chippy???? Was it the same chippy who has been hiding out from our my asshole assassin cat in our garage eating all the uneaten birdseed that was useless to me since I took the feeders down to save the birdies from my asshole murderous cat??
This chipmunk was living large.
Chipmunks are assholes.
Damn you, Adorable Cute Little Chippy!!
Then...
The plot thickened....
Again.
My Guy was leaving for work early one morning and was startled by a blur of greyish brown followed closely by a blur of menacing black as the blurs sped out of my strawberry plants.
Asshole Cat was hunting down, at an extremely high rate of speed, a fluffy little bunny :(
Could it be that the asshole swiping my prized strawberries was a fluffy little bunny??
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Not a fluffy little bunny!!!
Say it ain't so!!!(again)
So...
To Recap:
“A Comprehensive List of Possible/Probable Vegetable Garden Rapers and Pillagers” by: Mr. MacGregor
Groundhog
Mummy Deer
Baby Deer
Squirrel
Chipmunk
Peter Rabbit
Unfortunately/Fortunately, a few days later, the “A Comprehensive List of Possible/Probable Dastardly Yet Delicate Strawberry Nibblers”got really really short... really really fast.
I did my usual Pre-Work Strawberry Status Check and was surprised to find a couple of nice plump fully intact strawberries still attached to the plant.
Weird.
Delightfully tasty.
But weird.
And mysterious.
The mystery didn't stay very mysterious for very long because as I pulled out of my driveway and onto the road, I noticed a little pile of fluffy bunny smooshed in the middle of the road.
Poor Peter Rabbit.
I don't have to share my strawberries anymore.
“A Comprehensive List of Dastardly Yet Delicate Strawberry Nibblers” by: squirrel_e_girl
Peter Rabbit ...RIP
The End.
As long as we're on the subject of bunnies...
HA!! That rabbit's dynamite!!
p.s. Unfortunately, The Veggie Patch Heartbreak doesn't end there with the dead bunny...my little tomato plants and little cucumber plants quickly outgrew their little wire support cages and are so crazy big that the tomato plants are collapsing into themselves and the tomato-laden branches are bending and breaking and the cucumber plant has toppled over its cage and is smothering my pepper plants :(
Who knew that veggies could grow too big to be manageable?
Maybe I should’ve splurged and bought the heavy duty wire support cages.
Oh well, there’s always next year.
Lessons learned.
I guess my mad gardening skills are just too spectacular to be confined and limited to such a small space.
