More Confessions from the Squirrel Cage

ok....

I'm going to share what just happened here, in my squirrel_e_world, during the last 20 minutes or so.

Quick Clarification: the last 20 minutes or so prior to my sitting down to write this pointless blog post...the writing of which will take a good hour and a half ... or so...Hey...you can't rush magic. Fact.

I'm not proud of this story.

It's rather ridiculous.

It makes me look like a complete dumbass but I think this sordid tale might make a few of you chuckle.

...at me.

...and that's ok.

It's not a bad thing to bring a little bit of laughter into this big ol crazy Universe...even if it IS at the expense of my dignity.

I'm good like that.

OK...

So, as some of you may or may not know, I have a little problem with stupid silly games I play on my iPad.  I am a wee bit hooked and it verges on being an addiction...and when I say it "verges on", I mean that it is totally an absolutely mindless addiction.

My current game of choice is the super stupid and super silly game called "Candy Crush Saga"

...even the name is stupid.

I've been stuck on this one level for the past week-ish. It's nigh on impossible to complete and I'm getting a wee tiny bit frustrated. That's why, today, when I got to the point where I had this level by the balls, and was soooooooo close to winning I could taste it (the winning not the balls), I was giddy with joy and relief...

All I had to do was shift one sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy down beside another sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy and I'd be VICTORIOUS!!!

VICTORIOUS, I SAY!!

Looking at the board, I had mentally mapped out the moves I was going to have to make in order to ensure my victory...but then...horror of horrors...I noticed that all I had left was ONE SINGLE MEASELY MOVE and there was no way in hell that I was going to do what I had to do in ONE SINGLE MEASELY MOVE.

SONOFABITCH!!!

I was so shattered that I began to think the unthinkable.

I began to contemplate breaking a solemn oath I had sworn to my Self.

A mighty oath that promised I would never ever, in a million years, spend any(more) money on this wretched game..

... yet,  there I was, actually considering the purchase, for $1.03, of 10 gold bars so I could visit The Yeti Shop and buy the 5 more moves necessary to guarantee sweet glorious victory.

In the name of full disclosure, I have on one other occasion, forsaken my pride... and common sense ... and purchased extra moves but that particular $1.03 came from my cache of banked  iTune dollars that were all gifts, so that transgression didn't really count...it was like a teeny tiny belated Christmas gift to my Self.

However, today I was playing through Facebook on the desktop and not, as I had been for my previous fall from grace, through the app on my iPad ... SO... there was no way I could figure out how to gain access to my iTunes Christmas present money.

If I was going to do this dastardly deed, I'd have to pay real money.

Damn.

I wrestled with the moral implications of using real money in this stupid game and after a couple of minutes of deliberation with my Self, I decided I was going to do it.

I committed to buying 5 extra moves.

BAM.

...

Damn.

I clicked all the way through the steps and got to where I had to decide what real money payment method I was going to use and I decided that I'd throw it on my debit card instead of my Visa...no use going into debt buying gold bars in the Yeti Shop.

I typed in all the numbers required and took a deep cleansing breath and hit "Enter"...

Where I expected my guilt-ridden gold bars to magically appear on the screen, I was met instead by a message in BIG RED LETTERS that said

DECLINED- This account is not authorized to buy Gold Bars in The Yeti Shop, You Dumbass.

It actually didn't say that but it did decline the payment because my account was not authorized to do online transactions... the very same authorization I revoked earlier this week when I got a new debit card because my other one had been breached...through online purchases not purchased by my Self (but THAT's a whole other somewhat baffling tale).

DOH!!!

Foiled by my own security measures.

I must've had some subconscious trip into the future and knew that I was going to suffer a Candy Crush break in sanity and want to buy Gold Bars and therefore said "Nah...better not" when the nice lady at the bank asked me if I wanted to authorize the card for online transactions.

Onto Plan B...

I decided I had sunk this low so I might as well go the distance and put it on my Visa....but my wallet was out in my car....damn...perhaps my card was in a pant pocket on my bedroom floor. So, in an effort to save myself a trip out to the car to grab my wallet, I rifled my way through my dirty laundry and discovered, as I had figured I would, that the Visa was NOT in a pant pocket.

So, I sighed and trudged the whole 30ish feet out to the car to grab my wallet.

No card.

And that's when I remembered that I had given my Visa to the kids for their flight to Hawaii, in case they wanted to buy a snack or a beer or something on the plane, and The Girl had yet to give it back.

Note to Self - When The Girl gets home from work, demand the prompt return of my credit card.

And, while I do have the actual Visa number, I don't have any of the important Gold Bar Buying enabling info like an expiry date or security number.(that card is new, too)

Damn.

I banged my head on the counter and looked at the screen and saw that another option was PayPal.

hmmmmmm....

I don't have a PayPal account, but they have a link to where you set up an account if you want to....of course they do.

So, in desperation, I clicked on the link so I could set up a PayPal account and buy some f**king gold bars and what does it ask you for right after the whole name and address part???

Your credit card info.

The credit card info that I had quite recently discovered I didn't have.

Good Christ.

I reluctantly and embarrassedly gave up my search for gold and decided to take that last futile move and finish the f**king game.

Then I noticed that I had a "booster" that had been given as a reward simply for being a Candy Crush Saga user...probably to get you hooked on the power of the "booster" so you buy the booster packs so you can take the easy way out of levels...and make the game-making people a shit ton of desperation money.

This free booster would smash a single candy.

Any single candy.

This free booster was EXACTLY what I needed.

I needed ONE single candy SMASHED...and then my one sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy would gently fall into place beside my other sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy and then I could use my one remaining move and make a sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy combo and the level would be COMPLETE!!

SWEET VICTORY WOULD BE MINE!!!

Thank you, Lollipop Hammer.

I laughed at all the shenanigans and foolishness that had transpired over the past several minutes and tsk-tsk'd my Self for stooping so low as to even attempt to buy 5 extra stupid moves in that stupid silly game and then clicked on the "booster" and moused it down onto the game board and unleashed its candy smashing booster power and...

....hit the wrong f**king candy.

I smashed one of the sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candies....

...not the candy below it.

And everything...

...including my already battered dignity...

....exploded in flash of sprinkle-covered super craziness.

Game Over.

Level Failed.

I am a dumbass.

At least I can laugh at my dumbass-ness.

And now you can, too.

The End.

Level Failed.

P.S.

HEY!!! Look what I found!!! A video explaining exactly WHY Candy Crush Saga is PURE EVIL!!

Well played, young man. Well played.

UPDATE....August 12th 2013

NAILED IT!!!

No Poorly Aimed Boosters OR Stupid Extra Move Purchases required!!

I am a bit of a purist.

If there's such a thing as being too good at growing tomatoes...

...then that's what I am.

Seriously.

My tomato plants are extraordinarily HUGE.

Too huge for their own good.

Too huge for my own good.

And prolific....holy crap!!

Last year my tomatoes were too big for their cages and they fell all over themselves and the res of my garden.

See:

This year, in an effort to avoid a repeat of last year's "success",  instead of buying regular tomato plants, I bought grape tomato plants.

Grape tomatoes are the size of ...well, they are the size of grapes....and the way I figured it, wee small tomatoes would logically have smaller, more manageable plants than the regular big tomatoes did.

I was incorrect.

These are my two grape tomato plants (there are no ripe grape tomatoes..I ate 'em. They were delicious):

I just went out to take pictures of my enormous tomato plants but photos alone could not do their enormity any justice...so I videoed it.

Real live veggie garden action.

You don't get that anywhere else but here, folks.

Here's my garden:

Oh, and in case you're wondering what my interloping gourds look like, this is one:

In keeping with the theme of insane gardens... here is a song:

Madness by: Muse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
p.s. This is how you pronounce "gourd"....http://www.thefreedictionary.com/gourd

Oh By Gosh, By Golly!!

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Did you hear that??

That's the sound of me ... SMILING!!

And NOT swearing!!!

I just got back from my dentist appointment...you know, the one I've been dreading for the last 9 months (read this Post "And The Tooth Fairy Can Kiss My Ass, Too!!" if you'd like to know what the heck I'm talking about)...

AND....

...it didn't even hurt one little bit.

I'm not even making this up.

It was beautiful!!!

It was like the good old days...back before I turned 40.

Here's how it happened:

So, a half hour before my appointment, I downed a couple of Advil (as has been my pre-dental cleaning pain-relieving precautionary measure since turning 40), reminisced about my last few nasty visits to the dentist, grumbled, cringed, swore a couple of times and then hopped into the car and drove to the dentist office with my soul chock full o' dread, tension and resentment.

I arrived and took a seat in the waiting room.

gumblegrumblegrumble

I read a few pages of a People magazine and got caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...

gumblegrumblegrumble

I hated myself for a second or two for getting caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...

gumblegrumblegrumble

Had a couple of xrays taken...pain-free.

No big deal.

Xrays never hurt anyway.

grumblegrumblegrumble

Then I was ushered back into the hall of horrors by the beautiful and kind Corinne. She showed me to her chair and I sat down.

She bibbed me up and leaned the chair back into ready position.

I put my sunglasses on...

Tensed my entire body up in order to face the imminent pain and suffering head on...

She lowered the light...

Game Time.

35ish minutes and some lovely chit chat later, she raised the light, put my chair back into its upright position and it was over.

Not. One. Single. Ouchie.

Even midway through, when she asked, "Is this area tender right here??',

I answered honestly and eagerly...

 "Nope!!"

Before I stood up, I flipped my Oakleys to the top of my head and told her...in reverent and hushed tones ... that she had just made me a very very happy girl and that my last several cleanings had been rather "unenjoyable" and that I loved her with all of my heart.

No, just jokes... I didn't tell her the last part about loving her with all of my heart...even though I do.

I actually had to keep myself reined in and force myself to not give her a great big hug of love and gratitude...I'm not a particularly huggy person, so the fact that I had to stop myself from embracing someone is really quite something.

Anyway, I walked out of there with a spankin' new blue toothbrush, some minty floss, a SpongeBob sticker, a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

I was ... and still am, really ... downright giddy.

YAY!!!

Thank you, Corinne!! You are an angel of mercy and gentleness!! ...Do you think you could possibly put a good word in for me with the Tooth Fairy?? I kinda trash talked her a while back and may not be on her Or Nice list anymore.

And...thanks for the sticker.

SHARK ATTACK!!!

...no...not really.

They all survived their  Hawaii Shark Encounter.. limbs and innards intact.

Phew!!!

There is actual video footage to prove it.

See:

So, that's the sharks taken care of.

...now there's just the almost-hurricane to contend with.

*sigh*

You've Certainly Outdone Yourself This Time, President!!

Me and My Guy were in the grocery store today and whilst wandering through the produce section, something peculiar caught my eye.

I immediately thought to my Self,

"What the hell is THAT, Self??!! It looks like a giant shiny green plastic penis!! I had no idea President's Choice was peddling sex toys now, too ... Joe Fresh indeed."

Upon reflection, I shouldn't have been so taken aback...after all, there is no shortage of phallus-shaped objects in the produce section...Actually, if you stop and think about it for a second, the number of veggies and fruit that resemble male dangly bits is quite staggering, really.

I'll give you a minute to think it over...

Am I right or am I right???

I'm right.

Penises aplenty.

Anyhow, once I recovered from the shock of being exposed to a shiny green plastic penis-shaped object, I brought it to My Guy's attention and we went a little closer in order to investigate.

We quickly figured out (by reading the label) that it was NOT a giant shiny green plastic penis...rather it WAS, in fact, a shiny green plastic Asparagus Holder....that kinda looks like a penis.

BRILLIANT!!!

Oh, Almighty President!! You've made a mighty fine Choice this time around ...and I thank you for that.

I don't know how many times I've searched through my kitchen for a container to suitably store my asparagus...and, now, for 3 bucks I've got my very own shiny green plastic penis-shaped asparagus holder.

The kids'll get a huge kick out if it when the get home from Hawaii...if they don't get eaten by a shark...or washed away in a storm surge.

And, here it is....

Not a Penis

Tropical Adventures...A Mother's Delight

My children are in Hawaii hanging out with the ol Erstwhile Husband. He's working there for several weeks and the lucky little bastards/darlings get to spend 10 days with him.

This is all very lovely and I'm only slightly/a lot-ly jealous of their tropical escapades.

I miss them like crazy....the house is pretty quiet ...and tidy...without them here but overall, I am handling my temporarily empty nest with grace and peace.

However...

Currently, there are a couple of things that are causing me a wee bit of motherly concern... so here's:

"A Comprehensive List of a Couple of Things that are Currently Causing Me a Wee Bit of Motherly Concern Regarding the Fact that My Children are Currently in Hawaii... with Their Father"
by: squirrel_e_girl

• Thing #1:

• Thing B:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sharks and Hurricanes.

Of course.

*sigh*

Being the safety-conscious parent I am, I sent them this wardrobe suggestion for this morning's adventure:

I also sent emails to all three children, asking them to STAY AWAY FROM THE F**KING WATER when Flossie comes to town...since, as noted above, "Flossie will also cause rough surf to develop in an east to west fashion across all of the Hawaiian islands Monday through Tuesday, creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers."

 My Boy surfing for the first time...sans Shark-Tricking Wetsuit

...creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers.

Of course.

*sigh*

Summer Math

Here in Northern Southern Ontario, we are enduring summer's first heat wave.

Hooray??

The humidity is yucky and oppressive and since I don't do particularly well with being oppressed ...or repressed...I can sometimes err on the side of edginess and little things that I can normally let slide tend to annoy the bejesus out of me.

Par example...

Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner and I realized that I had started to twitch and my head felt like it might explode. At first, I thought I was having some sort of stroke-like episode but then I looked behind me and any and all worries concerning my health immediately vanished.

This is what I saw:

(make sure you turn up the volume in order to experience the video's full effect)

Can  you understand why even my subconscious got a wee bit annoyed and twitchy without my being consciously aware of why I was suffering an annoyance-fuelled stroke??

Now, I adore dogs as much as the next guy...that is why we open our home to our friends' dogs... and it is tons of fun and wildly entertaining...usually.

Yesterday, we were lucky enough to be hosting 2 lovely grrls (whom I have known since they were puppies)...and it was super crazy hot.

Oppressive Humidity(2 Resident Dogs + 2 Guest Dogs) = 4 HotDogs

4 HotDogs ÷ 2 = 2 Pairs of Panties

Oppressive Heat + 2 Pairs of Panties = 1 Annoyed and Twitchy squirrel_e_girl