Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Little Ms. Fancy Pants

This may come as a bit of a shock to some of you, but, strictly speaking, I am not the most sophisticated kid around town and, on some occasions, this lack of sophistication/class shines through a little louder and a little clearer than usual.

Last night was one of those “special“ occasions...

So, the four of us were just finishing up supper, which, in and of itself, was a rather stately celebration of fanciness. We are kinda “in between grocery shopping trips‘ and Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard is pretty bare bones so we were forced to scrounge a bit...My Guy had leftover Chinese take-out, The Kiddos had KD and left-over Chinese take-out and I, having nibbled away on leftover Chinese take-out all afternoon as I sat curled up in my chair reading my free ebooks ....time that could've/should've been spent grocery shopping ...(alas, grocery shopping is extremely high on my S.A.D.H.L (SocialAnxietyDisorderHitList) and consequently, I can only occasionally muster up enough sanity to hit Zehrs all on my alonesome)... I was sorta left-over Chinese take-out-ed out so I chef’d up a couple of pieces of delicious PBn’PCBCRJ (President’s Choice British Columbia Raspberry Jam) toast. Yum Yum!!



The four of us were just finishing up our Fancy Feast (no cat food was involved....the cupboard wasn't THAT bare), and, after brushing the toast crumbs off my lap, I declared,

“Alright...I've just gotta put my pants on and we can head over to tuck the dogs in.”**

I paused for a second or two as the realisation hit .... and then sunk in ... that, for the past few months, pretty much anytime I declare my intended actions, those intended actions are invariably preceded by....

“Alright....I've just gotta put my pants on and then we'll/I'll _________”


“Ok. As soon as I've got pants on, we'll/I’ll _________”

 Par example (s):

“Alright....I've just gotta put my pants on and then I'll come and pick you up at Becca’s.”

“ Ok. As soon as I've got pants on, we'll head into town and grab some McDonalds.”

“Alright....I've just gotta put my pants on and then we’ll walk the dogs.”

“Ok. As soon as I've got pants on, we’ll go visit Gramma and Grampa.”

“Alright....I've just gotta put my pants on and then I’ll go for a snowmobile ride with you.”

“Ok. As soon as I've got pants on, I'll come pick you guys up from snowboarding.”

“Alright....I've just gotta put my pants on and then I'll answer the door.” just jokes...I don't answer the door .... even if I happen to actually have my pants on.

Now, after reading the above examples, one might assume that I spend my time wandering around half-nude. However,  if one did assume that ...one would make an ‘ass’ of ‘u’ and ‘me’ (another grade 4 spelling trick that has stuck with me) because I am, as a general rule, always fully clothed....

So, why?? Why would I always need to put my pants on if I'm always already fully clothed?? 

Also....what have I got in my pocket? hee hee

Why, you ask??

Well, lemme tell you...

Because it’s winter and it's f#%king cold outside and I spend a whole lot of time outside at work and I'm turning into a sissy in my old age and I HATE ... H.A.T.E. ... being cold and long underwear has become a daily fixture in my wardrobe but when I'm inside hanging out at home, I find pants on top of long underwear too hot and confining so as soon as I walk in from outside, I take my coat off and I then shed my jeans and wander around in my long johns all classy-like.

So anyway, there is no point to this post other than to pass on the fact that I cracked myself up when I realized that my kids are now quite used to hearing their Mum begin many many sentences with phrases describing her plans to get her pants on.

Trick is finding them first.

**A couple of nights a week, I'm responsible for letting all the dogs at the kennel out for their bedtime pee.  


Laura said...

You're hilarious.
I'd shame you terribly about your "long john's" if I wasn't myself guilty of wearing a pair of hot pink yoga pants for the last 3 months. (if you see a pair of hot pink yoga paints coming at you... it's probably me).

I did see you at Zehrs once but I didn't approach you because of #1- your anti social, I'm anti social and #2, I looked like a huge pile of crap.
So.. I scurried away. Did you notice me avoiding you?

I'm going to have to try that jam. Have you seen the one with bacon in it? Hmmm that one caught my eye but I've so far restrained myself. ;)

P.S. I'm getting funny about the cold as well in my old age. Brrrrr!

Laura said...

GASP! Just realized I spelled you're-your. Please forgive me your English Major Highness! (And ignore all of the other mistakes I no doubt made. :p

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

As soon as I put my pants on, I'm going to explain to the police why I wasn't wearing any pants.

Raspberry jam is awesome. I made a mess of mulberry and wild raspberry (wineberry) jam last summer. I may have to eat some, inspired by this post.

Laura said...

Gah! I woke up in the middle of the night and realized how snarky my last comment was. (Regarding your English degree). My only defense is that I've been on Advil Cold and Sinus for 3 days and its making me into a big bitch. Sorry!

squirrel_e_girl said...

Laura- A few things....
~Pink Yoga Pants = Super Posh ....you are definitely out of my league. You truly ARE Little Ms Fancy Pants!! My lowly longjohns would pale in comparison.
~ I did NOT notice you pretending not to notice me in Zehrs. Was I wearing my "workwear" big bulky brown down jacket/sloppy jeans/clompy boots/ballcap??? Or was I actually presentable. Usually the number of people I know in Zehrs is directly proportionate to how dishevelled and "dog walker-y" I am. When I'm looking sharp and snappy, the place will be a ghost town and when I am rockin the Bag Lady look, I know 3/4 of the shoppers....is there no justice in the world?? When you didn't see me, was as I flying solo or did I have support staff with me??
~ I have avoided the bacon spread thus far...something about the thought of it doesn't sit well with me. But bacon IS bacon so it is most likely delectable. Lemme know what you think if/when you try it.
~ You Silly Rabbit!!! I didn't think you were being snarky but I thank you for your middle of the night concern :) And really, my grammar is horrendous and I second guess myself all the time. I try to get around that by making up words and by not following any real grammatical rules...See...is that supposed to be grammatical or grammatic or just plain ol grammar?? And in the first paragraph of this post should I have put "ly" on loud and clear??? I sure as hell don't know...I changed that sentence a bunch of times and I still don't think it sounds right...but ...fuck it!!! So, please...do NOT worry about that sort of thing. Goof.

BBBB- Yer funny :) and raspberry jam IS awesome. I hope your wineberry snack was delicious and satisfying.

Karen Graham said...

Dear Squirrely Miss Fancy Pants Grrl:

Long Johns, in my world, are perfectly acceptable, nay preferable alternatives to other lower extremity coverings. At this time of year, people who aren't wearing long johns probably aren't really Canadian. Some of us have a number of pairs, to coordinate properly with various upper extremity coverings. I even have a very old pair of blueberry coloured hot chillys with lacy trim. Hubba hubba.

Perhaps your preferred wardrobe has its roots in hearing too frequently the rather odious expression, "Hey! Keep your pants on!" You rebel you :-)

trailgrrl said...

long johns are lovely...they come in really cute colors and they make even the saggyist bum adorable... I need long johns...I am always cold and I dont find jeans or work pants comfy...old sweatpants with yogurt stains on them...ummm I need long undies ; )

Melissa Smart said...

I am so offended that you wore pants on our pickles date night!

If I'd known that it was socially acceptable to go out in whatever I was wearing that evening, you would have been treated to the Orillia Uniform of flannel pj pants and my Alabama (ROLL TIDE!) tshirt.

We could have perpetuated a small town stereotype and gone all white-trash Wal-mart to one of the better pubs in town. The only thing missing would have been six kids with different fathers and us paying with our welfare cheques.

I demand a re-do!


squirrel_e_girl said...

KG - Hubba Hubba indeed!!!!

trailgrrl - Nothing can compete with old yogurt-stained sweatpants!!! Wear 'em loud!! Wear 'em proud!!!

Mel - Please don't be offended by my pantless-lessness....I haven't quite attained the level of class that would allow me to leave the house without pants on....on purpose, that is. Once I DID pick Katy up at the movies with just my longjohns on....kinda forgot the "putting my pants on" part of the gameplan. Oddly enough, she wasn't even mad at me...not that I got out of the car or anything...but still. I'm sure having your mother pick you up in her longunderwear is grounds for at least an eye roll. So, all that said...I will grant you a re-do ...not because I want to go out pantless...but because I love pickles ...and Gin Caesars...with pickled asparagus spears.