Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Weedhacker, Vern. The Weeeeeeedhacker.

(please excuse the super big font...it seems rather obnoxious to me but try as I might, I'm not able to get it to a normal size...it's either this or microscopic ...I'll stick with this and apologize for the the obnoxiously large font)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm home sick from work today.


I'm not entirely sure what kind of sick I am. All I know is that I feel sick.



....and tired.


I am sick and tired.

~An Aside: Raise your hand if your mom ever, in a half-crazed voice...either half-crazed in a shrill and cracking  way or half-crazed in a low and menacing way--both being equally effective....told you and your siblings, that she was "sick and tired of" whatever dumbass (and usually loud) shenanigans you guys were up to. 

Mine did. 

At that point, we knew that we had pushed things way too far and would cut it out....usually. I remember on one or two shameful occasions we pushed  her off  the Cliffs of Sick and Tired down onto the jagged rocks in the Sea of Making Mum Cry.

Ouch.

There's really not much that's worse in the Universe than making your Mum cry.

Thankfully, in my own career as a Mum, I think I've only had to pull out the old "I am SICK and TIRED of your (insert specfic loud dumbass shenanigans or thoughtless lazy slovenliness )" one or two handfuls of times and it's awesome.

 And I've only been reduced to tears of super crazy parenting frustration a couple of times. 

I count myself extremely lucky.~

Anyhow...

The past couple of days, I've been just plain old sick and tired of nothing in particular and I've  just plugged along, goin' about my business not allowing the general overall feeling of yuckiness to impact my day to day life....

Until yesterday morning...

~Rather Lengthy Preamble~
As we are all quite aware, the news rarely is anything but depressing. I have devoted my life to a relentless quest of cowardly self-preservation, thusly, I never watch news on tv and I don't read the newspaper....except maybe the funnies...and maybe sometimes, the birth/death announcements.

In my "Life: Take One", I used to stay up late and glean my knowledge of current events from the Knower of All That's Interesting and Relevant, Mr. Jon Stewart.  I'd then "balance" ;) JS's liberal slant and watch Stephen Colbert. And, since I am a good Canadian, I'd catch Rick Mercer once a week in order to keep abreast of what was happening here in the Great White North.

I'm not sure what the fact that I got all my current events from  3 comedians says about me....but I don't really care. I'd rather laugh and be marginally well-informed than be right on top of world events and never be able to crawl out from under my covers.

Now, in my "Life: Take Deux", since I go to bed way earlier and I don't watch much TV,  Jon, Stephen, Rick and I have, for the most part, parted ways. 

Instead, I've grown to rely on CBC talk radio to deliver the newsworthy goods. It's lovely and boring and informative and doesn't clobber me on the head with graphic images and gruesomely sensationalized stories

...not often anyway.

...with yesterday morning being the exception.

~End of Rather Lengthy Preamble~


Yesterday morning, I was driving to work and the 8:00 news came on the radio.  It started off well enough ... talking about the nasty cold snap that has hit much of Northern Europe. 

Brrrrrr...Chilly....poor bastards. 

I can deal with that.

Except they went on to explain that the cold is having disastrous consequences in the northern UK...

...where it's lambing season.

...and the huge amounts of wet heavy snow and the days of super strong winds, have resulted in farmhouse-high snow drifts.

...and the Royal Military helicopters have been air dropping hay into the fields so the stranded sheep won't starve.

...and it's lambing season.


...and it's lambing season.

And the Scottish farmer being interviewed bleakly stated, in his lovely soft Scottish accent, that the ewes and rams have a chance of surviving but the newborn lambs will most certainly perish.

...

...

....the newborn lambs will most certainly perish.

Well....

I was done for.

As I thought about all the poor mummy sheep labouring and giving birth, stranded in snowdrifts in the fields, all the while being pummeled by a brutal blizzard, only to have their wee newborn lambies succumb to the cold, I could feel the heavy black sorrow as it bloomed in my heart and slowly clawed its way up the back of my neck into my brain. It only got worse as the Scotsman  continued to inform me that his family's ....his whole county's ... livelihood depended solely on the wool produced by their sheep....and to lose the majority of this year's lambs will have catastrophic consequences for years to come. He wasn't sure how they'd all survive...sheep and farming families alike.




I started to sob.

Who wouldn't really?? (ummmm....probably everybody else but me)

I couldn't stop.

I finally gave my head a shake and  began to take slow deep breaths in order to get my shit together before I got to work...I only live 7 minutes away so chances were slim. I rolled down my window with hopeless hopes that the cold wind would make my red splotchy cry-face less red and splotchy ...dare to dream.

Anyhow, I landed in at work and had my weirdo self mostly composed and laughed through my lingering tears as I told my boss about my sheep-induced temporary lapse in sanity and then we carried and had a discussion about a work-related something that really wasn't much of an issue, involving a dog I've developed a huge crush on (for the dog-people out there...even though he's not my dog, he has somehow managed to become one of my 'heart dogs'...non-dog-people won't get it but others may).

...anyway...

Much to my dismay...and horror, really...I started to cry. 

I didn't mean to...

I didn't want to...

I certainly didn't need to...

But blubber away I did.

And my sweet wonderful friend/boss, naturally felt my ridiculous lack of composure was a result of the dog issue that wasn't really even a little bit of an issue 

I tried to explain that it was the dead lambs' fault...but I don't think she believed me.

We wrapped up our meeting and I tried to carry on with my morning duties but I couldn't stop crying and I started feeling yuckier and yuckier...

And yuckier and yuckier.

And stiff and sore.

And sick.

And tired.

And still kept sniffling away.

A teary hour or so later she brought me a cup of tea (she's English...it's what they do) and as I launched into my explanation that I thought I was coming down with something and that I should probably take the rest of the day off, she launched into a very sweet explanation/solution for the issue that wasn't even a little bit of an issue but seemed like a HUGE issue because I cried like a baby and I've never cried like that at work.

So then I felt silly and horrible for making her feel so bad and started to cry even harder and then SHE started to cry because she felt even worse...and she never cries...she said she didn't want this issue that wasn't even a little bit of an issue but seemed like a HUGE issue because I cried like a baby and I've never cried like that at work, to affect our working relationship and, more importantly, our friendship ...and we had a great big teary hug ...

...and I tried to convince her that it wasn't her, it was the sheep....

and then I went home...

...crying all the way, wondering just what the hell was wrong with me. 

I collapsed into bed and actually wrote a list of all the things that are wrong with me...

This list included the fact that my dogs' nails are ridiculously and embarrassingly long because I don't cut them often enough....so, clearly, you can see how logical and rational I was.

I finished the list...checked it twice...gonna find out who's naughty and nice...

And ripped it up and threw it into the garbage...

....and slipped into a coma for 4 hours.

So...

Anyway....

I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

The End.


p.s. Last night, as I reflected back on my emotional break-down and how I kept trying to comfort and convince my sweet friend/boss that it was the sheep that were making me cry NOT her...for whatever strange reason, I kept thinking about this scene from one of my favourite movies....

Over the Hedge. (you have to click on the link in order to bring up the clip...blogger wouldn't let me post it by itself)



"It's the dying sheeps, Jan. The dyyyying sheeps."



The End...again.




Tuesday, March 26, 2013

There are no words...

....to describe my feelings about what my Search Keywords list looks like for this week, thus far...

Take a gander:



Search Keywords

EntryPageviews
scaredy squirrel porn
4
scaredy squirrel porn pictures
2
my name is stewie, but you can call me if
1
"my mouth" "my vagina" crowns dentist
1
girls ass hole picture
1
scaredy squirrel porno
1
sceardy squarril porn pictures
1




Man, oh man.

These words raise more questions than I am willing to ask.

Perhaps, I should actually start posting porn...it would save these poor disturbed souls from the inevitable disappointment they must experience when they land in on a blog, not about dirty cartoon squirrel sex, but one about the trials and tribulations of a potty-mouthed weirdy who wanders around her house with no pants on, listening to country music and Dallas F*#king Green and who can't throw a ball to save her life .

Or maybe...

I'll just post a picture of a cat wearing an Easter Bunny hat.


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

You'll have to excuse me I'm not at my best....


I feel like issuing a challenge.


~I suggest you take a moment to do some stretches and hydrate because, in order to complete this particular challenge, you will be required to endure an enormous amount of strenuous physical activity and I don't want anyone to get seriously hurt.

Don't say I didn't warn you ~

Ok...so, lately, for whatever reason, a certain song has been receiving lots of radio airtime and every time this certain song comes on, I am whisked back 20 years to a much simpler time when I spent the occasional evening, here and there, every now and then, jumping around "dancing" at university pubs and hometown bars.

And, lately, as the radio blasts the song, I can't help but smile as my mind drifts through misty memories of fun times spent with friends and my heart squeezes with the bittersweet nostalgia of a youth long past and then, when the song is about halfway through, my calves seize up and my smile turns to a grimace as my lungs gasp for breath ....

I shake my head and chuckle as I remind my body that I'm driving around in a Volvo in 2013 and NOT collapsing from exhaustion on a dance floor in 1993.

The song that evokes such fond hazy memories and such visceral muscle memories is a little ditty called "Home for a Rest" by the great Canadian band, Spirit of the West ...

....and it is excellent.  

It is happy and bouncy and super fun...

 ...and it is lethal.

...and excellent.

I, personally, have fallen prey to its Celtic-flavoured charm more times than I can count ...or, for that matter, more times than I can remember.

I have also stood by and watched as this seemingly-innocent tune cut down gangs of young men in their prime... bringing those foolhardy lads to their knees, leaving them clutching their chests as they crawled back to the bar to buy another beer and breathlessly swear to each other that they'll never do that again.

As recently as this past summer, I was at a wedding and as soon as this song came on, droves of drunken guests (present company included) WOOHOO'd their way to the dancefloor as its first few lilting notes drifted sweetly from the speakers. 

But, I think I have this song's number.

I've got it licked.

 I have a special "Home for a Rest Dance Strategy" that I have developed over the past two decades.

You see... I am older AND wiser.

...or at least I kinda think I am.

Actually, even as I type that, I realize that I'm not entirely positive that I did beat the song...
I know I did, in fact, implement this carefully constructed dance plan, but I can't quite remember if I actually managed to stay on the dancefloor for the whole song before I hit the bar in order to grab another Vodka & Cran to help nurse my aching body/soul...

OR...

... if I cut out part way through the song to hit the bar in order to grab another Vodka & Cran to help nurse my aching body/soul.

hmmm

Anyway...

Doesn't matter.

What matters is the fact that THIS is my challenge to you, my Beloved Readers...

I challenge YOU to dance through "Home for a Rest" in its ENTIRETY...without cutting out part way through in order to grab a Vodka & Cran to help you nurse your aching body/soul.

I'm serious.

Hit Play and start dancing and don't stop until the song is over...

I DARE YOU!!

...and don't sissy dance...I want you to DANCE dance.

I want you to dance like you're at a wedding and it's 11:10 pm and there's an open bar that you have been putting to good use and I want you to dance to the whole song.

The.

Whole.

F&$KING.

Song.

Do it.

NOW. (you don't have to dance through the Kashi commercial at the beginning of the video)





Lemme know how you do.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
p.s. I'm thinking of suggesting "Dancing to 'Home for a Rest'...the Whole F&$king Song" as a replacement for wrestling in the 2020 Olympics....Your thoughts??

p.p.s OR...at the very least, I may run it by the ol Erstwhile Husband and see if he can get it incorporated into any of the Spartan obstacle races. ...I'm thinking this is prime Death Race challenge material...Death Racers could dance to the whole f*$king song with a 75 lb log strapped to their backs. Oh yeah.

p.p.p.s. I'm not sure what's happening with the colour and font size of this post...I've done nothing  out of the ordinary...hmmmmmm.




Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Is this what I've become??

Here are today's Search KeyWords...thus far:


Search Keywords

EntryPageviews
creepy mr rogers
1
scaredy squirrel porn
1
scaredy squirrel porn pics
1
scaredy squirrel sex pics
1

Perhaps I should post some more pictures of pumpkins and mums...or Santa...or maybe even Baby Jesus.

Gotta clean this place up a bit.

*sigh*

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Mother Plucker!!!

Just over a year ago, my life was forever changed...and not in a good way... by a little Flintstones YouTube journey that I documented in a blog post entitled "Pebbles & BammBamm VS...the Devil??"

Today, my repertoire of lovely childhood song memories was even further and even more irreparably sullied by the internet.

My Guy and I were enjoying a lovely lunch...he had leftover chicken pot pie and I munched away on a couple of pieces Nutella toast mmmmmm... and the conversation turned...as it often does in our house ...to vintage snowmobiles:

My Guy - somethingsomethingsomething found an Alouette online...

Me (interrupting rudely and singing at the top of my lungs) - "ALOUETTE!!! mum-ble ALOUETTE!!" 

         ...Hey!! I think I've singing that wrong my whole life!! I think that mumble word has to be "chanter" ... chanter is "to sing" in French and you're singing "Alouette" so I bet that's it!! 

         "ALOUETTE!! CHANTER ALOUETTE!! ALOUETTE blah blah blah blah blah
         
         I don't even remember the rest of the words but how dumb of me to NOT know that that word was "chanter".

My Guy- I remember singing that in school.

Me - Yeah me, too!! Even though I was singing it wrong!

          "ALOUETTE!! CHANTER ALOUETTE!! ALOUETTE blah blah blah blah blah

My Guy - What does "alouette" mean??

Me - I dunno. I think there's some Montreal team called the Alouettes. Wait here!! I'll find out!!!

And I rushed off to grab my magical source of any and all possible knowledge in the Universe, my beloved iPad, and I quickly typed in...

A-L-L-O-E...

A-L-U-E...

Me- How the hell do you spell "Aloeutte"?? Oh...Ok...thanks predictive text!!

A-L-O-U-E-T-T-E ...

Me - Ok...here we go. Wikipedia says: "Alouette is a popular French Canadian children's song originating in France about plucking the feathers...

...and eyes???

...and beak??

...from a lark??

...in retribution for being woken up by her song??"

....

OH MY GOD!!! THAT IS A HORRIBLE SONG!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY THEY'VE BEEN TEACHING THAT SONG TO YOUNG CHILDREN FOR DECADES!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN SINGING A SONG ABOUT PLUCKING A POOR LITTLE BIRD'S EYES OUT FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!! 

MY GUY - I have a feeling I know what your next blog post is going to be about.

Me - Damn right!!! Poor little bird!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, if you didn't grow up in Canada, I'm not sure if you've ever even heard this song BUT if you did grow up in Canada, I bet you a gazillion loonies that you were one of millions of wee Canadians who sat cross-legged in kindergarten circles across the country, happily chirping away, pointing to all your body parts as they popped up in this horrible song.

Here are the sweet sounding lyrics en francais:


Refrain
Alouette, gentille alouette,
Alouette, je te plumerai.
1.
Je te plumerai la tête. Je te plumerai la tête.
Et la tête! Et la tête!
Alouette! Alouette!
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
2.
Je te plumerai le bec. Je te plumerai le bec.
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
3.
Je te plumerai les yeux. Je te plumerai les yeux.
Et les yeux!  x2
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
4.
Je te plumerai le cou. Je te plumerai le cou.
Et le cou!  x2
Et les yeux!  x2
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
5.
Je te plumerai les ailes. Je te plumerai les ailes.
Et les ailes!  x2
Et le cou!  x2
Et les yeux!  x2
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
6.
Je te plumerai les pattes. Je te plumerai les pattes.
Et les pattes!  x2
Et les ailes!  x2
Et le cou!  x2
Et les yeux!  x2
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
7.
Je te plumerai la queue. Je te plumerai la queue.
Et la queue!  x2
Et les pattes!  x2
Et les ailes!  x2
Et le cou!  x2
Et les yeux!  x2
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain
8.
Je te plumerai le dos. Je te plumerai le dos.
Et le dos!  x2
Et la queue!  x2
Et les pattes!  x2
Et les ailes!  x2
Et le cou!  x2
Et les yeux!  x2
Et le bec!  x2
Et la tête!  x2
Alouette!  x2
A-a-a-ah

Refrain



And , more importantly, to justify my outrage, here are the horrible lyrics, en anglais:


Refrain
Lark, nice lark,
Lark, I will pluck you.
1.
I will pluck your head. I will pluck your head.
And your head! And your head!
Lark! Lark!
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
2.
I will pluck your beak. I will pluck your beak.
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
3.
I will pluck your eyes. I will pluck your eyes.
And your eyes!  x2
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
4.
I will pluck your neck. I will pluck your neck.
And your neck!  x2
And your eyes!  x2
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
5.
I will pluck your wings. I will pluck your wings.
And your wings!  x2
And your neck!  x2
And your eyes!  x2
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
6.
I will pluck your feet. I will pluck your feet.
And your feet!  x2
And your wings!  x2
And your neck!  x2
And your eyes!  x2
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
7.
I will pluck your tail. I will pluck your tail.
And your tail!  x2
And your feet!  x2
And your wings!  x2
And your neck!  x2
And your eyes!  x2
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
8.
I will pluck your back. I will pluck your back.
And your back!  x2
And your tail!  x2
And your feet!  x2
And your wings!  x2
And your neck!  x2
And your eyes!  x2
And your beak!  x2
And your head!  x2
Lark!  x2
O-o-o-oh

Refrain
Here is a creepy video with the song...they seem to have censored the "real" lyrics, leaving out the part where THEY F@#KING PLUCK THE LITTLE BIRD'S  EYES OUT!!!!




Creepy Little Bastard.

Wikipedia ...and YouTube....are destroying my childhood...one sweet innocent memory at a time.

Stupid internet.


p.s. Now, I realize that this is all coming from a person who, last summer when my friendly neighbourhood alouettes were waking me up in the morning, wrote a post called "Birds Are Assholes but I didn't write it and then suggest that people across the continent read it to their toddlers as a bedtime story. I am not THAT twisted.

However, my little story about a strawberry-loving bunny (What's he do?? Nibble your bum??) might be just the thing to lull a wee thing to sleep...  MUAH AH AH!!!

p.p.s. And, I also realize that I was wrong when I thought that the mumble word was "chanter"... I was actually closer to "gentille" with my wrong mumble word than I was with "chanter"


p.p.p.s. If you're still with me and want to watch a gorgeous video for a beautiful song...about a bird that doesn't get plucked... please have a look at this:



The Weepies are AWESOME!!!