Friday, November 30, 2012

Day One Tally..., 24 hours (or so) in and this is how my keenly scientific experiment is shaping up:

Hot Babes in Santa Costumes - 44 pageviews

Santa Himself - 37 pageviews

Santa/Baby J.C. Combo - 34 views of the page

Baby J.C. in a wee manger - 30 pageviews

Scantily clad ladies beating out Santa and Baby Jesus...who'da thunk??


Stay Tuned.

p.s. Honourable Mention does go to Mr. Rogers in a Speedo with 31 pageviews

p.p.s. And I'm gonna throw in a beautiful Christmas tree for good measure:

p.p.p.s. There is a lovely bit of subtle irony to this picture 'cause I swiped it from a Christian website...hee hee. Thanks, dudes.

Have I ever mentioned...

...that I adore Dallas Green??

'cause I do...

....and this is why:


Voice of an angel.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

To Make Things Even More Interesting...

Here is a lovely picture of a hot girl in a Santa costume:

And another one:

I hope you enjoy looking at them.

Here is a Lovely Picture of Baby Jesus...

I hope you enjoy looking at it.

Thanks, Baby Jesus!!

Here is a Lovely picture of Santa Claus...

I hope you enjoy looking at it.

Thanks, Santa!!!

Santa VS Baby Jesus

So, having been blessed with a remarkably keen scientific mind, I have decided to conduct a remarkably keen scientific experiment...

Remember about a month or so ago, I shared with you my dramatic discovery of a sure-fire method to bump up a blog's "pageview" stat??

It was something I christened the "Pumpkins & Mums Effect".

(If not, you can read about it here.)


Sadly, now that the American Thanksgiving has come and gone, my pageview stats have really taken a beating.

It would seem that nobody's interested in looking at pretty fall pictures anymore.

Google searchers are a rather fickle bunch.

~Although, the hits keep on coming for "Mr. Rogers in a Speedo"... Google searchers are a rather perverse bunch.~


Since, apparently Christmas is fast approaching ... might I add, I believe it's more fast approaching this year than in years past. Or is it just me??... I thought I'd try a little something with a festive twist.

I'm gonna solve the greatest debate surrounding the Christmas season as we know it. I'm going to put to rest the animosity and hubbub so we can all carry on and enjoy this Christmas...and perhaps a Coke... in perfect harmony

So, here it is:

Santa vs Baby Jesus... Who is the Reason for the Season??

I am going to post a nice picture of Santa in one blog post and I am going to post a nice picture of Baby Jesus in another separate blog post and then compile my pageview stats and which ever post gets the most pageviews is ...

The King of Christmas.


Problem Solved.

Holiday Harmony Achieved.

Stay Tuned!!

p.s. As a bit of a control in this experiment I'm also posting this picture:

And, this one too:

We'll see what happens.

p.p.s Please don't be offended...I'm just having fun :)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Hey, Raccoons!! Good News...You're Off the Hook!!

So, I have a story to tell you guys...

Last week, My Sister and My Bro-in-Law and their 2 Girls (aged 15 and nearly 13 years old) and "The 2 Grandmothers" headed down to the Dominican Republic for a wee vacation. 

I was left in charge of their pets...'cause that's what I do.

~A Short and Shamelessly Self-Promoting Aside: For those of you who live in the G.O.A., I do have my own little dog walking service called "We Will Walk You!!" (goddamn I'm clever) and, not only do I walk dogs, but I also look in on pets while their people are away ...cats, fish, bunnies, chia name it!! (I'm not even kidding about the Chia Pet...funny story actually). So, if ever you are in need of a pet sitter, I'm your girl ...  _e_squirrel!!!!~

Friday afternoon (they had left early that morning), I swung by their house to pick up my sweet old Nephew Dog to bring him home to stay with us for the week. While I was there, I set up the kitties with a couple of days worth of food and water...doled out some ear scritches and left them with a promise to return on Sunday with more ear scritches...and in between scritches, I would also top up their food and scoop their poop...'cause it's what I do.

Sunday afternoon rolls around and The Girl and I pop back in to My Sister's place. We punch in the key code "beep beep beep....grrrr" (the grrrrr is the sound of the deadbolt unbolting...I'm sure you know the sound). As soon as I opened the door, I knew something was amiss, for sitting on the floor was a bowl of half-eaten noodles.


And there was dirt and dried leaves scattered about in the little mudroom area.


Me- "What the ???"

The Girl- "What the ???"

We split up to investigate...I took the laundry room and she headed upstairs.

The laundry room  was interesting because the drain in the floor seemed to be clogged and the humidifier of the furnace was all screwy and spewing water everywhere so the laundry room was trying really really hard to get all flooded.

Me- "What the ???"

The Girl (from upstairs)- "Hey Mum, I'm pretty sure I know what happened."

Me- "Oh Shit! Did I forget to close the back door?? Did a raccoon get in??"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if I asked the last question out loud or just in my head ...and only later did I stop to wonder how a raccoon could've chef'd himself up a bowl of delicious noodles ... and then carry it downstairs. I realize they are sly little devils but even those nimble-fingered little masked marauders have their limitations.

I have no real excuse for thinking that inane thought other than the fact that I am not particularly well known for thinking and reacting sensibly in quickly-unfolding mysterious situations.

The Girl - "Nope. C'mere and see..."

I tiptoed my way through the puddles in the laundry and made my way up the stairs to see The Girl standing between two full great big black garbage bags, waving an empty mickey of vodka.

Me- "Ahhhhhhhh...yes. I see."

And then I was also able to see a disaster of a kitchen with 2 sinks piled high with dirty dishes and counters crowded with even more empties and bits and pieces of food scattered throughout.

Me-"What the ???"

And then I just kinda wandered around surveying the mess, shrugging my shoulders and wondering what the hell I was going to do. <---- remember my lack of crisis management skills?

The Girl and I bounced a few theories around but only for a minute or two until our meeting of the minds was interrupted by...

"beep beep beep grrrrr"

And the voices of teenage girls echoed in the air.

The Girl and I looked at each other, giggled silently in a co-conspiratorial "HA!! This is gonna be hilarious!!" kinda way and I stepped over to the top of the stairs and leaned all casual-like against the wall to await my prey...

This is where I will once more remind you of how much I suck at thinking on my feet ...and when I say I suck at thinking on my feet, I mean I 100% SUCK at thinking on my feet...I am the WORST!!!  I will now also admit that I am also not really known for not being a total weenie. I am probably the least confrontational person out there and I was about to be flung head-first into a confrontation with a pack of as-of-yet unknown teenage break-and-enter-and-party girls.

And this all transpired in a matter of seconds...


So 4 girls chitter-chatted their way up the stairs, saying charming things like:

"Yeah ...and so and so said that so and so took a shit in the laundry room." 

"EWWWWWWWWWWW" replied the Chorus.

And the girl leading the charge, who had her head bent down texting, jerked to a sudden stop just inches before she ran right into me.

Me- "Hi Ladies. How are you today?"

The looks on their faces were PRICELESS!! It took some super human mind strength for me to NOT burst out in full-out giggles of glee at the thought of just how freaked out by just how f$@king BUSTED they were.

Ah was a thing of beauty.

Then I launched into what was, most likely, a largely incoherent stream of primarily incomplete sentences explaining just how brutally disrespectful what they did was and how I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do with/to them. 

It was great because I was at the top of the stairs and they were all beneath me....on the stairs and on the landing. 

I was in a position of power!! 

Like the mighty Zeus atop Mount Olympus!!


Two of the girls were very respectful and looked at me and answered me when I asked questions and I'll give them props for that. One girl just kinda hid behind the other girl who had nearly crashed into me and the near-crasher girl proceeded to text throughout my entire "Disciplinary Lecture From Above". I managed to suppress the exceedingly strong urge to punch her in the arm and tell her to put her f$&king phone away before I punched her in the arm again...and again.


I was about to kick them out and finish the clean-up myself when my Self stepped in and gave my head a shake...and asked:

"What the hell are you thinking??"

To which I replied:

"Oh my Christ, Self. You are brilliant!!"

And, instead, this is what I said:

Me- "OK...I am going to leave now and I will be back in two hours and I want this house back to what it was like before you broke in. And then I will be back tomorrow night...and then the next night and then the next and then the next and then I will let M&S know what you have done to their home. I'm going to grab a pen and write down your names on my sister's now beer-soaked birthday card....Nice touch, girls."

And, unfortunately, this is where the wheels fell off my carefully constructed aura of ruthless disciplinary power...

Do you think I could find a f$&king pen??


I could not find a f$&king pen. I searched through several kitchen drawers and then resorted to checking the bedrooms...with each passing second of my pen search, I could feel the solemnity of the situation slipping away....


Ultimately, all I could get my hands on was a pink highlighter and nothing screams "I am the boss of you!!" quite like a pink highlighter.

And then they all gave me their names...their real ones, even. 

The fools.

Actually, it was kinda funny because all 4 girls were wearing  various sport team jackets....all belonging to My Niece "Gertrude" (name changed to protect the innocent)...and each jacket had My Niece's name embroidered on the front .... which totally cracked me up and when I was asking for their names, I sooooo very much wanted to point to each one of them individually and say:

" who are you?? I know you're not 'Gertrude'...and I know you're not 'Gertrude' either and I also know that you're not 'Gertrude' and I'm pretty sure that you're not 'Gertrude' either."

But I kept my funny joke to myself, thinking that after the whole "Can't Find A F&$king Pen" Fiasco, I should probably keep it straight...and also, I thought they probably would think my super funny joke wasn't very super funny.

So, that was that and The Girl and I hit the road and left the miscreants to their cleaning.

I was so giddy and silly with all that adrenaline pumping through my was quite a shock to my system to have to be all mean and nasty.

And as further proof of my wienie-ness, I had to ask The Girl for a critique of my performance. I really hoped that I had been able to pull it off at least a little bit without  betraying my true sissy colours.

She assured me that I had done a good job but admitted that she had had a very difficult time keeping a straight face as I scrambled through the house in my search of a f$&king pen...and I have to admit that it was pretty funny.

I asked her if I had kept my voice from being all shrill and yell-y and she told me I only raised my voice a little bit when I told each of them that they were an idiot.

I actually didn't remember calling them idiots, but apparently it went like this:

Me- "You guys are a bunch of idiots. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot."

....with a lot of finger-pointing involved. I guess I didn't want any of them to miss their turn at being called an idiot.

I feel kinda bad that I called other people's children "idiots" but My Sister later pointed out that 'idiot' is far nicer than some of the alternatives. So I guess I'm a little bit proud of myself for keeping my trucker mouth in check...although, when trying to assess the damage, I referred back to the lovely conversation I overheard before they saw me and did ask them: "Did someone actually take a shit in the laundry room?" ...and they assured me that it was probably just the cat...hmmmmm....Excellent.

We returned to the house later that evening and, to my surprise...and to their credit...they did a mostly good job of cleaning up. The floors were still sticky but everything else looked ok. (although, upon further inspection when My Sis got of "idiots" had punched a hole in a wall in My Niece's room...idiot.)

They had also written a rather heartfelt apology note in which they basically parrot-ed everything I had told them that was wrong with what they had done...but it proved that at least one of them had actually listened to my lecture.

The one thing I really wish I had thought to include in my rant was to point out to them that what they had done was...


And, that I could've call the cops and had them charged....but, of course, that whole aspect of the situation didn't dawn on me until later that night...when My Guy told me. 

I am not wise in the ways of crime.

Anyhow...that is the end of my role in this story.

My Niece had found out about the party when she checked her email/Facebook/Twitter on the resort's public computer later in the week. One of her friends had messaged her and fessed up to the whole thing. I'm sure My Niece would've figured something was up even without the confession since a bunch of party attendees had tweeted about the party and had posted pictures of themselves with the cat...

...this confirms it...

Teenagers are idiots.


I filled My Sister in on all the details while she was waiting for the airport limo to pick them up and drive them home and she has since called the police and decided to NOT press charges against My Niece's lovely and considerate friends.
She has asked that each of the girls and their parents are paid a visit by an officer who will explain exactly why it is illegal to let yourself into someone else's home and have a party with 40-50 drunk teenagers and what could have happened to them had my sister chosen to press charges.

She has also asked that her house(carpets included)be professionally cleaned.

So far, she has heard from only one parent who called to apologize for her daughter's actions.

Only one.

Out of four.

Parents of teenagers are idiots.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

It's Baaaaack....

You may ... or quite possibly, may not...have noticed that I have kind of let my immensely popular "squirrel_e_girl & The Girl's Country Tune of the Week" go the way of the dinosaurs...and, for that, I am super sorry. My lack of country music posts is certainly not indicative of a lack of love and admiration of country music...

Au contraire...

There are tons of songs I'd still like to share with you, my Beloved Readers. Lucky lucky devils. 

And I will share them.


It's just that my creative juices have been flowing in a very fickle and finicky kind of way. I have so much stuff I want to write about but am stumped as to how I should write about said stuff and I've been reading some other blogs written by some brilliant writers and I have to admit, I've developed a bit of an inferiority complex...shocking, I know...and have felt that my stuff is a kind of drivelly and unsubstantial...and so, my effort to inform the world of the awesomeness of New Country, one beloved reader at a time, has felt a wee bit pointless and uninspired...

But then I realized that I can't let my dalliance with bloggery self-doubt stand in the way of the greater good. 

I can't let you all ...or the big ol' world of country music... down. So many lives and careers, and, so much joy, depend on my weekly offerings...

So, back, due to popular demand...and a deep moral obligation to the world at large, is:

"squirrel_e_girl & The Girl's Country Tune of the Week"

...and really, this is just my pick. The Girl is with her dad this weekend so I've been left to my own devices.

...and really, I'm actually gonna cheat a bit. This song is not a country song. 

Nope, it isn't.

But it's a kickass song that is mind-bottlingly awesome and I just had to share and I have found a way to get around the fact that it isn't a country song ...a loophole, as it were. (is that even a real saying "as it were" or is that just something I made up? Who cares, really? I don't.)

The loophole is that I remembered seeing a video of this song being performed with the real guy accompanied by a country that is the version I'm going to share with you (once I've finished all my blathering). 

I'm pretty tricky, aren't I?

Like a fox.


Anyway, my choice for this week is:

"Funky Tonight" by John Butler Trio ...and accompanied by country cutie, Keith Urban may know him as Mr. Nicole Kidman II.

So, a bit of background... John Butler Trio is fucking unbelievable. 

So very very VERY fucking unbelievable.

I was a huge fan a few years back but due to some weirdo self-preservation-type circumstances, I've not listened to their stuff for the past four years. 

But, tonight, and I'm not sure exactly what caused me to revisit the band, I headed out to my friendly neighborhood iTunes store and bought a few of their albums.


Just like that!! 

And I'm back at it. 

Weirdo emotional hurdle cleared!!

To explain: 

On the evening of August 9, 2008, JBT played in Toronto and we had tickets for the show.

On the afternoon of August 9, 2008, it was decided that my marriage was over.

We went to the concert anyway...freshly failed marriage be damned.

....and it ranks as one of the very VERY best concerts I've ever been to (and just between you and me...maybe even better than the Zac Brown Band concert that I went to a couple of months ago...and THAT'S saying something).

It was an experience that I'll never forget.

It was the saddest and scariest day of my whole life, but the performance was so staggeringly and intensely incredible that it allowed me to transcend any and all of the day's events and just be with the music. 

I had just been dumped and my life as I knew it had come to a heart-breaking end and, I remember on the drive down, looking out the window at the cars on the highway and realizing that I had never bought my own car insurance... or bought my own car or maintained my own car or paid for my own car and how the hell was I going to be able to survive? I hadn't had a job in 13 years. I wasn't even brave enough to order a pizza on my own.

What was I going to do??


Then the music started and I was the music.

I wasn't a sad, helpless, hopeless shell of a person.

I was music.


John Butler saved me from myself that least, for a couple of hours.

This was the song that took me away...
(Country Cutie Keith Urban is the dude in the black t-shirt killing it on the electric guitar)

Friday, November 9, 2012

A Life Cut Short...

Here is a sweet little green caterpillar that I saw at work last Wednesday:

Here is that very same sweet little green caterpillar...the next day:

Poor bastard.

(Disclaimer: I was not responsible for the little fella's demise...some careless dog must've squished him...Poor bastard)

Wanna see a funny picture of me??

The Boy took this last week...

Ain't I purdy??


Cracks me up every single time I see it.

I love it.

I Have Magical Strawberry Plants...Jealous Much??

Ever beheld strawberry plants bearing strawberries in OCTOBER??

In the northern part of Southern Ontario??

I have.

In fact, I cultivated them with my own bare hands... and my vast strawberry cultivating knowledge.

(please note the orange and yellow leaves laying about on the ground all fallishly Octobery-like...thus validating my claim of an autumn berry harvest)

And they were delicious.


They were.

I am a gardening wizard.

Strawberry Fields Forever, man.


Ever had a whole bunch of stuff you want to write about but can't figure out how to make your Self actually write??


Me, too.


Friday, November 2, 2012

I Have the Willpower of a Toddler...

...a toddler with significant impulse control issues.

And no parental supervision.

Really truly.

I am ridiculous.

I have just eaten 8-10 mini chocolate bars for lunch.

Just like I did yesterday...

...and the day before yesterday.

I have also eaten many many little bars of sweet chocolatey deliciousness for dessert....after lunch.

And after dinner.

And after breakfast.

Christ...throw a bit of hair on the tops of my feet and I'm pretty much a Hobbit. If I wasn't at work all morning, I'd scarf back a few for Elevensies.

I cannot help myself.

As long as I am in my house, I will systematically devour any and all delicious sugary desserty treats that have the misfortune of landing in my kitchen. It's why, as a rule, I don't bake...

... but sometimes I do.

And, sometimes it's Christmas.

And, sometimes it's Thanksgiving.

And, sometimes it's Easter.

And, sometimes it's birthdays.

My specialties/weaknesses include, but are not limited to: pumpkin pie, donuts, butter tarts, birthday cakes, carrot cakes (I made the most delectable and decadent carrot cake last month and I ate most of in all but 3 or so pieces), banana bread, cinnamon buns, Peak Frean Fruit Cremes, shortbread cookies chocolate bars...Kit Kats being my favourite. 

Generally, I'm cool with candy chocolate bars excluded...obvs...and ice cream. It's baked goods that are my Achilles Heel.

I, on occasion, have mustered up a modicum of restraint and insisted that My Guy bring the remnants of a dessert to work with him to share with his cohorts. Mind you, he tends to forget these high caloric sacrificial offerings in the fridge when he leaves in the morning thereby null and voiding my goodwill(power) gesture and the goodies are fair game again.

Yum Yum. 

When I'm out and about (said in my "Canadian" accent), I have no problem driving by Tim Hortons, Dairy Queen, McDonalds...etc. I can buy gas and not grab a point of purchase chocolate bar. Same goes for grocery shopping...I'm too wrapped up in pretending to not look at all the high quality examples of fine journalism to fixate on chocolate bars...and besides, those ones are regular size and full of tons of sugar, fat and calories...not like the "fun size" ones. They're just tiny and harmless. 



Good news is on the horizon, though.

I can see the bottom of the box of mini bars so I'm nearing  to the end of my gluttonous binge and then I'm all clear until Christmas!!! 


I'll be free!!!

Bring on the rice cakes and carrot sticks!!!

Damn it...just remembered that The Girl's birthday is coming up at the end of the month and that most likely means birthday cake...and I only just finished polishing off the bulk of The Boy's b-day cake.


I might have to scrounge up a wee Coffee Crisp to make myself feel better.



p.s. Look at the pumpkins I carved...I haven't carved a pumpkin in years so I think I did A-OK.