Sunday, July 24, 2011

Quit Buggin' Me!!!!

"Why Earwigs Totally Freak Me Out"
by: squirrel_e_girl

Earwigs totally freak me out because:
(in no particular order)
  • They look like this....

  • The first time I became aware of their existence, I was 7 or 8 years old hanging out in a dark musty old tent trailer that my parents had unfortunately rented for our first... actually ... our only family camping trip and the dark/musty/several hundred earwig combo didn't do a bunch to establish a foundation for a loving, trusting relationship.
  • They look like this...
Ahhhhh... Babies... How adorable.

  • They have pincers attached to their bums. 'Nuff said.
  • They look like this....

  • They have the creepily magical power to manifest out of thin air. I have no idea how the hell they do it or where the hell they come from but on more than one occasion, I've picked up a facecloth that has been draped on the side of my bathtub to dry or a dishcloth performing a similar act only on the edge of my kitchen sink and ... HOLY SHIT!!! Out scurries a nasty little earwig!! Quick!!! Smish the bepincered f@$ker!! And I've had this happen in the dead if winter. Sure...summer I get. Windows are open. Doors don't always get shut all the way...Lots of logical explanations as to how a single insect can show up in my bathroom. But in the winter??? Two storeys away from a basement?? I detect a whiff of sulphur-y brimstone, don't you??
  • They look like this...

  • They seem to randomly fall out of the sky .... onto my head. I challenge anybody ...Any. Body. .. to not spasm and spin about whilst squealing like a wee girl &/or swearing like a trucker if one of these foul little beasts lands on your head or falls down the back/front of your shirt. I've even heard tell of a incident where dozens dropped down onto a poor soul's head after he innocently opened a door into an outbuilding. DOZENS. I can't even bring myself to imagine. Goddamn.

  • They look like this...
Did you know they had wings?Yeah,neither did I.
  • They like to use my mailbox as some sort of clubhouse/community centre. Congregate elsewhere, you exoskeletal jerks.
  • They look like this....
  • They eat holes in my pretty flowers....grrrrrrrrrrr
  • They look like this....

  • Anything that has stories/myths/old wives' tales recounting the "fact" that it enjoys crawling down the ear canal of its unsuspecting sleeping victim then perforating its eardrums with those f@$king disturbing  pincers is no friend of mine. No how. No way. I don't care that I'm well-versed in the ways of the world and I logically realise that this horrifying phenomenon is but a mere story/myth/old wives' tale... some things just can't be un-imagined. Ever.

And, last but certainly not least...

  • They look like this...


Melissa Smart said...

Ewww with a side of ewww. Found one on my kitchen floor as I was mopping last night. I also gave way to the primal fear held deep inside any normal person and screamed like a banshee (scaring the crap out of the S.O. who thought the fridge had finally given way to the numerous magnets and papers attached to the front doors and had fallen flat on top of me).

Tent caterpillars give me the equal willies. As do Dock/Wolf spiders. In fact, the majority of winged-creatures located in the Ottawa River area rose up majestically into the Ottawa Valley's airspace in synchronized fear on July 15 at approximately 10am when I encountered a Wolf Spider on the raft we were settling into and I screamed so loud that one of the other rafters almost fell out of the boat in surprise.

Things to note: those f$#%ers are bigger than most plates I've eaten off of, they can hop across water (seriously creepy), and they instill a fear in me that few other creatures do (great white sharks would be one, but I've rarely encountered those in the gentle currents of Ontario lakes and rivers).

squirrel_e_girl said...

Tent Caterpillars and Earwigs are the only two entries on my "Things I Kill With Gleeful Abandon" list.

Big crazy ass spiders go so far beyond totally freaking me out that I can't even put my feelings into words. Saw a dock spider on Sunday and I wasn't particularly thrilled about it.

I consider myself quite lucky that I did NOT happen upon a great white along the beautiful Trent Severn Waterway. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be thrilled about that one either

Melissa Smart said...

So, just because I like to torture myself, I googled wolf spider and went to the source of all correct information that ever will and has happened: Wikipedia.

I encourage you to take a boo at the information there, especially the gallery of pictures. Then I defy you not to change your opinion of spiders. The only thing I could think of for the mother carrying her young one was the body count if you had enough wits about you to take her out.

Now my skin's all prickly and I'm a bit twitchy.

Still Singing said...

So, this seems like a good time to tell you about my dream (definitely a nightmare) from last week...
In the dream, I was in bed, just like I actually was, and this big ring of black bugs was descending on the bed, over my body - it was like the size of a dinner plate. Anyway, in the dream, I shrieked and bent forward and threw my head under the covers. WELL, I didn't just do that in my SLEEP! I SHRIEKED and jumped and yelled for Bill to GET THE BUGS OFF THE BED!

He LEAPED out of the bed, threw the bedside light on, and was like WHAT? WHAT? What bugs?!?!?!? Where are they!!!?!! Is it a SPIDER? WHERE?

We threw the covers off the bed, looking for the bugs in question, and it took me a second to realize that it had been a dream... and then, I couldn't stop laughing.

And laughing, and laughing. Bill went from sound asleep to standing beside the bed in a split second. It was all so surreal and REAL!! Oddly, it was only 12:30 when this happened... and it took me about 45 minutes to stop laughing and settle back down to sleep. Awful, but freaking hilarious at the same time.

Bill called me that morning from work and told me that he checked his phone and there's no app or alarm for Giant Bug Attack on the Bed.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate bugs??

squirrel_e_girl said...

Just visited the Wonderful World of Wikipedia and read the lil blurb about Wolf Spiders ... and I will never be the same because of this one bit of Wolf Spider Trivia:

"Their eyes reflect light well, allowing someone with a flashlight to easily hunt for them at night. Flashing a beam of light over the spider will produce eyeshine. The light from the flashlight has been reflected from the spider's eyes directly back toward its source, producing a "glow" that is easily noticed. This is also especially helpful because the wolf spiders are nocturnal and will be out hunting for food, making it easier to find them."

Thanks for that, M.S. Thanks. For. That.

S.S.- No need for an app or alarm, just have Bill carry a flashlight to bed and periodically wake him so he can give the room a quick sweep to see if any spidery eyeshine glows from the dark recesses of your room. Don't worry, they're just hunting. Sleep tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite ;)

Still Singing said...

When Bill first started out, he worked in shipping and receiving boxing up stuff with the styrofoam peanuts. The spiders would hide in the peanuts, and periodically leap out at him. Wolf spiders are the WORST at that! He said he would randomly shriek throughout the day when one would leap out at him.
They would have found me dead on the floor from a heart attack.

Melissa Smart said...

OMG I think I've peed my pants! SG and SS you've made my day!

SG, I'm sorry, I warned you. I also was smart enough NOT to read any of the information regarding fore-mentioned wolf spiders so I was not additionally freaked out by their nocturnalness creepability. Now, I will never camp again.

SS, that was hilarious! I can relate slightly as whenever I get a high fever I have a reoccurring bug nightmare where they are all in my hair and I can't get them out.

I've also woken myself up laughing at dreams and physically assaulted my S.O. over something he's done in a dream (he calls foul on those and although I agree at the time a punch in the arm for the action is warranted in my mind).

If a spider jumped out of boxes randomly at my I would loose my freaking mind! Forget scream, I would literally wet my pants. I would have bought stock in Kotex and made a million.

Ladies, I tip my hat to you!