Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Go Fetch!!!

The other day at work, I was playing fetch...

I know!!!...I'll point out yet again that I get paid to play with dogs...not very well, mind you... but still...How awesome is THAT??

Stay in school, kids. 4 years and an Honours BA later and you, too, can get paid(poorly) to play with dogs.

In all seriousness though, I love my job. It makes me happy and keeps me (mostly) sane. And I absolutely adore the people I work with. One day, maybe I'll head back to school and get all trained up for an actual career but, for now, I have a job that allows me the freedom to be involved with my kids' school life and to hang out at 1:30 in the afternoon writing very important blog posts... and to play with dogs.

... which brings me back to my original point...

The other day at work, I was playing fetch and I spent a whole lot of time laughing at myself and apologizing to the dog on account of my ridiculous and pathetic fetch-playing skills.

I am here today to confess to you, my beloved readers, that I cannot throw a ball ... or anything, for that matter... to save my f#$king life.

No object has ever been launched from my hand with any degree of premeditated accuracy. In fact, I hesitate to even use the word "accuracy" in a sentence that contains any reference to my throwing "skills".

Tennis balls have been flung up onto roofs and into trees.

Frisbees have flown over the fences and into the woods.

Kongs have somehow mysteriously landed behind me.

Deflated-due-to-puncture-holes soccer balls have been hurled right into the faces of my unsuspecting fetch counterparts. (I should perhaps add, that along with the non-existent accuracy, my throws possess a distinct lack of any real force so I've not injured anybody...yet)

Keeps the hounds on their toes, I guess.

So, while I was giggling at myself and my extraordinary ball-handling abilities (<---- I have just gifted you with a lovely opportunity to crack any number of "ball" jokes. You are welcome)... I graciously accepted the very strong, very real probability that I will never throw anything well ...EVER, and I was able to make peace with that thought.

However, it got me to thinking about the other things that I am absolutely positively crap at and will never be good at...EVER.

Now, I know with that sort of negative attitude, of course I'll never be good at _________(insert activity here) and that I should always aim for self-betterment and I generally am a very positive and hopeful person but there are things that are, quite simply, beyond the realm of earthly possibility for me.

There are plenty of things that I am pretty ok at too...

But...

Here is:

"A Comprehensive List of Stuff That I Am Really REALLY Crap At and Will Never Be Good At...EVER"
by: squirrel_e_girl

  • Throwing stuff (for those of you with moderate to poor content-retention skills, see above for explanation)
  • Playing tennis- Back in my 20s a friend of mine, who is a high school phys ed teacher and who also coaches lots of different teams, took it upon himself to teach me how to play tennis. He and I had previously played badminton together and won a silly little tournament thingy, so we decided to broaden my racket-sport horizons ...Alas, with rather dismal results. My friend/tennis coach was wonderfully patient and kind but after a couple of lessons he had to concede defeat. I was a hopeless case. I also seem to recall taking tennis lessons later on with my Erstwhile Husband (who is a pretty good tennis player) with similar dismal results. Apparently, yellow fuzzy balls and I just don't mix <----another potential source of ball jokes 
  • Anything involving numbers (aka Math) - And when I say "anything involving numbers" I mean, anything involving numbers. Any. Thing. Involving. Numbers. As in, even adding or subtracting single digits. That's right. Single digits. Well, I can figure it out eventually but it takes a couple of seconds. I do, however, know some of my times tables. I'm good at the 0s and the 1s and the 2s and the early 3s and 4s and I'm pretty solid with my 5s and that's pretty much where it grinds to a halt. Although, I am aces with my 10s, 100s and 1000s. And my 11s (up to 10x11). I don't even want to think about my 12s. I've got a pretty good handle on "less than/greater than/equal to". So, really, I should revise my Any. Thing. Involving. Numbers. and instead, say Almost. Any. Thing. Involving. Numbers.  Like I said earlier "Stay in school, kids" ... but you should probably avoid the English Department. An English degree will not throw open a plethora of well-paying career doors nor will it teach you simple arithmetic.
  • Dancing - Actually, I guess I can kinda dance...sorta...if drinking 3 Rockstar[+Vodka]s  and then jumping up and down and wiggling a bit when a good song comes on counts, then, Yes. I can dance. But otherwise, strictly speaking, I can't dance. I remember back when I was a little kid and my sister and I were dancing around, performing for my parents' friends and they'd be all "Oh Mara!! You're such a cute little dancer!" or "What great rhythm you have, Mara!!" or "Look at Mara dancing her little heart out!!" .... and now, here is where I remind you that my name isn't Mara. And, before you get all offended and think what mean people they must've been to totally ignore the little girl "dancing" beside the little girl who could actually dance, you gotta cut them some slack...they were only working with the material they had been presented and you also have to remember, this was back in the olden days when it was ok to point out that one kid was actually better at something than another kid was. And, they were most likely hammered. So, worry not for I have gotten over it (mostly) and their voices only haunt my dreams occasionally.
  • Skipping Double Dutch - Holy shit was I ever bad at double dutch. It's no big deal these days since I don't do much double-dutching (the dogs have a hard time holding on to two skipping ropes) but I was so very very bad at it 30 years ago, that I had to put it on this list.
  • Transferring my clean folded laundry from the laundry basket into my closet - Can't do it. I try...but I just can't. I believe this is somehow encoded in my DNA....I give both the Girl and the Boy a hard time about not putting their clean clothes away but I'm just as bad as they are. Acorn. Tree.
  • Swimming - Or I guess, it's more akin to being crap at liking to be in the water because I never get around to the actual act of swimming. This might have something to do with the fact that I had a near-drowning incident when I was 9 or 10 ... OR ... more likely ... that my hair looks ridiculous if allowed to dry on its own and I'm a wee bit vain and don't want to be seen in public with ridiculous dried-on-its-own hair. Along that same vein, (<-----see what I did there) because I've got some pretty significant body image issues, I am extreeeeeeeeeemely uncomfortable hanging out in a bathing suit. Eww. Yuck. Gross....so really, I should probably change "Swimming/Being in the Water" to:
  • Feeling comfortable in a bathing suit - Pretty straight forward. I really REALLY suck at feeling comfortable in a bathing suit. I am also super uncomfortable in my birthday suit ... but that's a whole nother story.
  • Answering the Phone &/or Door - Remember?? Introverted Hermit with Social Anxiety Disorder. 'Nuff said.
  • Playing Little Big Planet 2 with my kids - This is a visually stunning, super fun PlayStation 3 game and I think it's crazy cool and wish with all my heart that I could play it with any sort of proficiency. My kids love playing with me because I am so very very VERY crap at it and they can manipulate my cute little green bunny guy and shove him around and hit him with stuff and put stupid stickers all over him and take all the good prizes and move ahead way faster than I can so I end up dying and have to be reborn in the little regenerating circle chamber thing. It's cyber-bullying and I really should report them to the proper authority... which I guess would be me. Damn.
  • Cutting/Copying and Pasting Links to YouTube on the Boy's MacBook Pro - I cannot for the life of me figure out how to cut and paste on this stupid computer. I'm trying to include a hyperlink to a video trailer of Little Big Planet so you can share in the super coolness that is the world of Little Big Planet. But no matter how much I swear at this thing, I can't make it do what I want it to.  If, when you read this, there is a blue hyperlink in the above entry it means that someone under the age of 16 came home and was able to help me out.

    Ok, so I think I'll wrap it up with that one. Trying to will the computer to magically cut and paste links has exhausted me and now I'm a bit crotchety. <---FYI "crotchety" only has 1 t at the end, not 2. I always assumed there were 2. They're right....you DO learn something new every day. Maybe even 2 somethings.


    6 comments:

    Laura said...

    Funny, you and I both suck at a lot of the same stuff!
    I can't dance, I'm a terrible ball handler (hehe), no good at math, don't get me started on the damn laundry ..(actually, right after I typed that my oldest son yelled "Mom! Where's a towel?" To which I replied.. "In the dryer still" I have a wet hair/naked/bathing suit/water phobia.
    I hate talking on the phone and if I don't know you're coming over .. I probably won't answer the door.

    So there. We're almost twins!

    ((Hugs))
    Laura
    oh my jesus chirst.. would you get rid of this damn word verification crap!!! ;) sigh.... I hate typing out TWO WORDS!!!!

    Still Singing said...

    Perhaps you do not have binocular vision? I suuuuuuck at tennis, and really anything that requires something round hitting something racquet/bat-like that happens to be held in my hands. I have no depth perception, so catching is also an issue. First day of softball when I was 8 years old, someone threw me the ball and it hit msquare in the face. I quit right then and there and never looked back. (My dad was SO proud. Ha.)

    Sarah Nelson said...

    LOVED your blog! Things I wish I knew earlier but should have: 1) Never go on a 'tennis date' when you have no ball handling skills. 2) Dancing IS fun - but not for everyone, especially boys unless it's slow dancing in which case it's not REALLY dancing. 3) Math is overrated (sorry ORNJ). 4) There's a reason we have kids (acorn/tree thing, computer skills...and math!)

    Hope all is well your way.
    Sarah

    Katy Waite said...

    Yeah , I suck at being in bathing suits too ;) mwahaha

    Linda said...

    As always, Karen, your honestly has saved my day!! Thank you so much for sharing.

    squirrel_e_girl said...

    Laura - Twins in Awesomeness...that's what we are. And, you are welcome for turning the word verification thingy off. I wasn't aware I could do such things.

    SS - I'm pretty sure my vision is A-OK and that my ball trouble all stems from a finely honed lack of coordination.
    I, too, have fond memories of childhood baseball games... And I have a wee little scar on my top lip where a baseball that popped out of my glove smashed me in the mouth. Good times.

    Sarah - Nice to hear from you!! Since you mentioned ORNJ, it reminded me of the ironic and somewhat baffling fact that my OAC Finite Math mark was higher than my OAC English mark. Yay, DG!! BOO, Rog!!

    Katy - I say :P to you and your long lanky 15 1/2 year old bikini-clad body!! :P you little creep. xoxo Mummy loves you!!
    And I'm surprised and thrilled that you actually read my blog :) <3 Thank you!!
    It means more to me than you know and I'm not sure why I'm saying all this because chances are you won't be back here again to read it but I'm gonna say it anyway :) Love you, Katy Kate.

    Linda - Thank YOU so much for reading and I am so happy that you like my stuff :) xoxo
    Maybe you could encourage my Mom to read it sometime,too ;)