I Bet This Has Never Happened to You...

So, this afternoon, The Girl and I had matching chiropractor appointments...

Mother/Daughter spinal adjustments are the next big thing...Just you wait and see. Mother/Daughter Spa days are très passé.

Trust me.

Anyway...

Today, as well as an adjustment, I was in the market for some orthotics.

You see, earlier this year, I went to see my family doctor because my feet were falling asleep...whilst I walk around.

It's rather distracting

My lovely angel of a physician(who just happens to be a devout Christian...but I love him anyway) took one look at the bottom of my foot and said..

"You're screwed."

...which totally cracked me up.

...because he is Dutch and a very VERY active member of the Christian Reformed Church ...and he had just told me I was screwed.

Hilarious.

Trust me.

Anyway...

In spite of the hilarity of the initial diagnosis, it turns out that my arches are non-existent. It's not the normal arch that's bad (of course it's not). There is an arch that I never knew existed that resides in the middle of the ball of one's foot. Apparently, it never existed in the balls of my feet and as such,  this lack of arch puts pressure on some nerves and my toes quite often go all pins and needly-like when I'm wandering about.

 AND...just to add insult to injury, because of my arch-less-ness, I am also developing some nice callouses on the soles of my feet...which is quite different than developing diamonds on the soles of my shoes.

ANYWAY...

Due to my malformed feet, I am in the market for some orthotics and my chiropractor provides such things and I figure with flip-flop season drawing to an end...f**k...I'm gonna have to start wearing real shoes again and my toes are going to start falling asleep again so I should probably start looking into rectifying this situation BEFORE this shit goes down.

I'm renowned for my pro-active-ness...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

No I'm not.

So, we get to the Chiro's office and, in compliance with the nice sign at the door, we remove our shoes...or rather...our flippy flops, and, with a growing sense of horror, it dawns on me that my former flippy flop wearing extremities don't smell so good ...the whole "bare feet/rubber shoe" combo generally does NOT work in my olfactory favour.

Crap.

What to do? What to do?

I spot the handy dandy hand sanitizer on the receptionist's counter and think to my Self...

"AH HA!! Problem solved!! I will over-power the flip flop smell with the smell of mediciney alcohol. Self, you are a genius."

Only, the flip flop/hand sanitizer smell combo is actually way way waaaaaaaay worse than the plain old flip flop/bare feet combo.

Crap.

What to do? What to do?

Another magnificent brain wave rolled over me and I realized that there was probably some sort of bathroom facility in the office and, typically, bathrooms have sinks with running water... and soap.

AH HA!!!

So, I legged it to the loo and, lo and behold, there WAS a sink with running water and soap...and paper towels.

Excellent.

So, picture this, if you will...

Me.... standing in the small little bathroom with one foot hoisted up into the sink, washing it thoroughly with vanilla scented Soft Soap.... following it up with a quick and thorough rinse. Hoisting said foot up and out of the sink and giving it a quick and thorough dry with the paper towels so graciously provided.

I imagine I cut quite a fine figure.

On to the next foot...

Hoist foot UP and into the sink...where the water is already running and ready to go...and...

OH MY CHRIST!!! WHEN DID THE NICE WARM WATER TURN INTO MOLTEN LAVA!! I THINK MY FOOT FLESH IS GOING TO BLISTER AND BUBBLE OFF MY FOOT BONES!!

I fumble and bumble my way around the taps, trying to get the temperature to something a little less than thermonuclear...which was way more difficult and took way more time than I am willing to willingly admit...

It probably would've been more sensible to perhaps actually remove my foot from the sink full of water drawn from the fiery pits of hell...but my crisis-handling skills aren't fabulous and, really, I was worried about getting water all over the nice bathroom...would hate to make a mess.

So...

Um...

Yeah.

I scalded my right foot in the bathroom sink at my chiropractor's office today.

What did you do??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

p.s. My foot is still red and ouchie from its time spent in Satan's bathtub...and this happened at 2:30 this afternoon.

It is now 6:37pm.

Kids...don't try that at home.

p.p.s. It may still hurt like a sonofabitch but it sure does smell purdy.