Saturday, August 10, 2013

More Confessions from the Squirrel Cage


I'm going to share what just happened here, in my squirrel_e_world, during the last 20 minutes or so.

Quick Clarification: the last 20 minutes or so prior to my sitting down to write this pointless blog post...the writing of which will take a good hour and a half ... or can't rush magic. Fact.

I'm not proud of this story.

It's rather ridiculous.

It makes me look like a complete dumbass but I think this sordid tale might make a few of you chuckle. me.

...and that's ok.

It's not a bad thing to bring a little bit of laughter into this big ol crazy Universe...even if it IS at the expense of my dignity.

I'm good like that.


So, as some of you may or may not know, I have a little problem with stupid silly games I play on my iPad.  I am a wee bit hooked and it verges on being an addiction...and when I say it "verges on", I mean that it is totally an absolutely mindless addiction.

My current game of choice is the super stupid and super silly game called "Candy Crush Saga"

...even the name is stupid.

I've been stuck on this one level for the past week-ish. It's nigh on impossible to complete and I'm getting a wee tiny bit frustrated. That's why, today, when I got to the point where I had this level by the balls, and was soooooooo close to winning I could taste it (the winning not the balls), I was giddy with joy and relief...

All I had to do was shift one sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy down beside another sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy and I'd be VICTORIOUS!!!


Looking at the board, I had mentally mapped out the moves I was going to have to make in order to ensure my victory...but then...horror of horrors...I noticed that all I had left was ONE SINGLE MEASELY MOVE and there was no way in hell that I was going to do what I had to do in ONE SINGLE MEASELY MOVE.


I was so shattered that I began to think the unthinkable.

I began to contemplate breaking a solemn oath I had sworn to my Self.

A mighty oath that promised I would never ever, in a million years, spend any(more) money on this wretched game..

... yet,  there I was, actually considering the purchase, for $1.03, of 10 gold bars so I could visit The Yeti Shop and buy the 5 more moves necessary to guarantee sweet glorious victory.

In the name of full disclosure, I have on one other occasion, forsaken my pride... and common sense ... and purchased extra moves but that particular $1.03 came from my cache of banked  iTune dollars that were all gifts, so that transgression didn't really was like a teeny tiny belated Christmas gift to my Self.

However, today I was playing through Facebook on the desktop and not, as I had been for my previous fall from grace, through the app on my iPad ... SO... there was no way I could figure out how to gain access to my iTunes Christmas present money.

If I was going to do this dastardly deed, I'd have to pay real money.


I wrestled with the moral implications of using real money in this stupid game and after a couple of minutes of deliberation with my Self, I decided I was going to do it.

I committed to buying 5 extra moves.




I clicked all the way through the steps and got to where I had to decide what real money payment method I was going to use and I decided that I'd throw it on my debit card instead of my use going into debt buying gold bars in the Yeti Shop.

I typed in all the numbers required and took a deep cleansing breath and hit "Enter"...

Where I expected my guilt-ridden gold bars to magically appear on the screen, I was met instead by a message in BIG RED LETTERS that said

DECLINED- This account is not authorized to buy Gold Bars in The Yeti Shop, You Dumbass.

It actually didn't say that but it did decline the payment because my account was not authorized to do online transactions... the very same authorization I revoked earlier this week when I got a new debit card because my other one had been breached...through online purchases not purchased by my Self (but THAT's a whole other somewhat baffling tale).


Foiled by my own security measures.

I must've had some subconscious trip into the future and knew that I was going to suffer a Candy Crush break in sanity and want to buy Gold Bars and therefore said "Nah...better not" when the nice lady at the bank asked me if I wanted to authorize the card for online transactions.

Onto Plan B...

I decided I had sunk this low so I might as well go the distance and put it on my Visa....but my wallet was out in my car....damn...perhaps my card was in a pant pocket on my bedroom floor. So, in an effort to save myself a trip out to the car to grab my wallet, I rifled my way through my dirty laundry and discovered, as I had figured I would, that the Visa was NOT in a pant pocket.

So, I sighed and trudged the whole 30ish feet out to the car to grab my wallet.

No card.

And that's when I remembered that I had given my Visa to the kids for their flight to Hawaii, in case they wanted to buy a snack or a beer or something on the plane, and The Girl had yet to give it back.

Note to Self - When The Girl gets home from work, demand the prompt return of my credit card.

And, while I do have the actual Visa number, I don't have any of the important Gold Bar Buying enabling info like an expiry date or security number.(that card is new, too)


I banged my head on the counter and looked at the screen and saw that another option was PayPal.


I don't have a PayPal account, but they have a link to where you set up an account if you want to....of course they do.

So, in desperation, I clicked on the link so I could set up a PayPal account and buy some f**king gold bars and what does it ask you for right after the whole name and address part???

Your credit card info.

The credit card info that I had quite recently discovered I didn't have.

Good Christ.

I reluctantly and embarrassedly gave up my search for gold and decided to take that last futile move and finish the f**king game.

Then I noticed that I had a "booster" that had been given as a reward simply for being a Candy Crush Saga user...probably to get you hooked on the power of the "booster" so you buy the booster packs so you can take the easy way out of levels...and make the game-making people a shit ton of desperation money.

This free booster would smash a single candy.

Any single candy.

This free booster was EXACTLY what I needed.

I needed ONE single candy SMASHED...and then my one sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy would gently fall into place beside my other sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy and then I could use my one remaining move and make a sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy combo and the level would be COMPLETE!!


Thank you, Lollipop Hammer.

I laughed at all the shenanigans and foolishness that had transpired over the past several minutes and tsk-tsk'd my Self for stooping so low as to even attempt to buy 5 extra stupid moves in that stupid silly game and then clicked on the "booster" and moused it down onto the game board and unleashed its candy smashing booster power and...

....hit the wrong f**king candy.

I smashed one of the sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candies....

...not the candy below it.

And everything...

...including my already battered dignity...

....exploded in flash of sprinkle-covered super craziness.

Game Over.

Level Failed.

I am a dumbass.

At least I can laugh at my dumbass-ness.

And now you can, too.

The End.

Level Failed.


HEY!!! Look what I found!!! A video explaining exactly WHY Candy Crush Saga is PURE EVIL!!

Well played, young man. Well played.

UPDATE....August 12th 2013


No Poorly Aimed Boosters OR Stupid Extra Move Purchases required!!

I am a bit of a purist.


Johnny Waite said...

Good lord this is awesome. Awful. Truly awful. But truly truly awesome.

squirrel_e_girl said...

Thanks, JD!!
...and I mean "Thanks" for the awesome part...and "f**k you" for the awful part :D

Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

I'm hearing this in the movie trailer guy voice: "Squirrel_e_Girl is trapped in a world of pure evil!!"