Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Hey, Raccoons!! Good News...You're Off the Hook!!

So, I have a story to tell you guys...

Last week, My Sister and My Bro-in-Law and their 2 Girls (aged 15 and nearly 13 years old) and "The 2 Grandmothers" headed down to the Dominican Republic for a wee vacation. 

I was left in charge of their pets...'cause that's what I do.

~A Short and Shamelessly Self-Promoting Aside: For those of you who live in the G.O.A., I do have my own little dog walking service called "We Will Walk You!!" (goddamn I'm clever) and, not only do I walk dogs, but I also look in on pets while their people are away ...cats, fish, bunnies, chia pets...you name it!! (I'm not even kidding about the Chia Pet...funny story actually). So, if ever you are in need of a pet sitter, I'm your girl ...  _e_squirrel!!!!~

Friday afternoon (they had left early that morning), I swung by their house to pick up my sweet old Nephew Dog to bring him home to stay with us for the week. While I was there, I set up the kitties with a couple of days worth of food and water...doled out some ear scritches and left them with a promise to return on Sunday with more ear scritches...and in between scritches, I would also top up their food and scoop their poop...'cause it's what I do.

Sunday afternoon rolls around and The Girl and I pop back in to My Sister's place. We punch in the key code "beep beep beep....grrrr" (the grrrrr is the sound of the deadbolt unbolting...I'm sure you know the sound). As soon as I opened the door, I knew something was amiss, for sitting on the floor was a bowl of half-eaten noodles.


And there was dirt and dried leaves scattered about in the little mudroom area.


Me- "What the ???"

The Girl- "What the ???"

We split up to investigate...I took the laundry room and she headed upstairs.

The laundry room  was interesting because the drain in the floor seemed to be clogged and the humidifier of the furnace was all screwy and spewing water everywhere so the laundry room was trying really really hard to get all flooded.

Me- "What the ???"

The Girl (from upstairs)- "Hey Mum, I'm pretty sure I know what happened."

Me- "Oh Shit! Did I forget to close the back door?? Did a raccoon get in??"

Now, I'm not entirely sure if I asked the last question out loud or just in my head ...and only later did I stop to wonder how a raccoon could've chef'd himself up a bowl of delicious noodles ... and then carry it downstairs. I realize they are sly little devils but even those nimble-fingered little masked marauders have their limitations.

I have no real excuse for thinking that inane thought other than the fact that I am not particularly well known for thinking and reacting sensibly in quickly-unfolding mysterious situations.

The Girl - "Nope. C'mere and see..."

I tiptoed my way through the puddles in the laundry and made my way up the stairs to see The Girl standing between two full great big black garbage bags, waving an empty mickey of vodka.

Me- "Ahhhhhhhh...yes. I see."

And then I was also able to see a disaster of a kitchen with 2 sinks piled high with dirty dishes and counters crowded with even more empties and bits and pieces of food scattered throughout.

Me-"What the ???"

And then I just kinda wandered around surveying the mess, shrugging my shoulders and wondering what the hell I was going to do. <---- remember my lack of crisis management skills?

The Girl and I bounced a few theories around but only for a minute or two until our meeting of the minds was interrupted by...

"beep beep beep grrrrr"

And the voices of teenage girls echoed in the air.

The Girl and I looked at each other, giggled silently in a co-conspiratorial "HA!! This is gonna be hilarious!!" kinda way and I stepped over to the top of the stairs and leaned all casual-like against the wall to await my prey...

This is where I will once more remind you of how much I suck at thinking on my feet ...and when I say I suck at thinking on my feet, I mean I 100% SUCK at thinking on my feet...I am the WORST!!!  I will now also admit that I am also not really known for not being a total weenie. I am probably the least confrontational person out there and I was about to be flung head-first into a confrontation with a pack of as-of-yet unknown teenage break-and-enter-and-party girls.

And this all transpired in a matter of seconds...


So 4 girls chitter-chatted their way up the stairs, saying charming things like:

"Yeah ...and so and so said that so and so took a shit in the laundry room." 

"EWWWWWWWWWWW" replied the Chorus.

And the girl leading the charge, who had her head bent down texting, jerked to a sudden stop just inches before she ran right into me.

Me- "Hi Ladies. How are you today?"

The looks on their faces were PRICELESS!! It took some super human mind strength for me to NOT burst out in full-out giggles of glee at the thought of just how freaked out by just how f$@king BUSTED they were.

Ah man...it was a thing of beauty.

Then I launched into what was, most likely, a largely incoherent stream of primarily incomplete sentences explaining just how brutally disrespectful what they did was and how I wasn't entirely sure what I was going to do with/to them. 

It was great because I was at the top of the stairs and they were all beneath me....on the stairs and on the landing. 

I was in a position of power!! 

Like the mighty Zeus atop Mount Olympus!!


Two of the girls were very respectful and looked at me and answered me when I asked questions and I'll give them props for that. One girl just kinda hid behind the other girl who had nearly crashed into me and the near-crasher girl proceeded to text throughout my entire "Disciplinary Lecture From Above". I managed to suppress the exceedingly strong urge to punch her in the arm and tell her to put her f$&king phone away before I punched her in the arm again...and again.


I was about to kick them out and finish the clean-up myself when my Self stepped in and gave my head a shake...and asked:

"What the hell are you thinking??"

To which I replied:

"Oh my Christ, Self. You are brilliant!!"

And, instead, this is what I said:

Me- "OK...I am going to leave now and I will be back in two hours and I want this house back to what it was like before you broke in. And then I will be back tomorrow night...and then the next night and then the next and then the next and then I will let M&S know what you have done to their home. I'm going to grab a pen and write down your names on my sister's now beer-soaked birthday card....Nice touch, girls."

And, unfortunately, this is where the wheels fell off my carefully constructed aura of ruthless disciplinary power...

Do you think I could find a f$&king pen??


I could not find a f$&king pen. I searched through several kitchen drawers and then resorted to checking the bedrooms...with each passing second of my pen search, I could feel the solemnity of the situation slipping away....


Ultimately, all I could get my hands on was a pink highlighter and nothing screams "I am the boss of you!!" quite like a pink highlighter.

And then they all gave me their names...their real ones, even. 

The fools.

Actually, it was kinda funny because all 4 girls were wearing  various sport team jackets....all belonging to My Niece "Gertrude" (name changed to protect the innocent)...and each jacket had My Niece's name embroidered on the front .... which totally cracked me up and when I was asking for their names, I sooooo very much wanted to point to each one of them individually and say:

"OK...now who are you?? I know you're not 'Gertrude'...and I know you're not 'Gertrude' either and I also know that you're not 'Gertrude' and I'm pretty sure that you're not 'Gertrude' either."

But I kept my funny joke to myself, thinking that after the whole "Can't Find A F&$king Pen" Fiasco, I should probably keep it straight...and also, I thought they probably would think my super funny joke wasn't very super funny.

So, that was that and The Girl and I hit the road and left the miscreants to their cleaning.

I was so giddy and silly with all that adrenaline pumping through my body...it was quite a shock to my system to have to be all mean and nasty.

And as further proof of my wienie-ness, I had to ask The Girl for a critique of my performance. I really hoped that I had been able to pull it off at least a little bit without  betraying my true sissy colours.

She assured me that I had done a good job but admitted that she had had a very difficult time keeping a straight face as I scrambled through the house in my search of a f$&king pen...and I have to admit that it was pretty funny.

I asked her if I had kept my voice from being all shrill and yell-y and she told me I only raised my voice a little bit when I told each of them that they were an idiot.

I actually didn't remember calling them idiots, but apparently it went like this:

Me- "You guys are a bunch of idiots. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're an idiot."

....with a lot of finger-pointing involved. I guess I didn't want any of them to miss their turn at being called an idiot.

I feel kinda bad that I called other people's children "idiots" but My Sister later pointed out that 'idiot' is far nicer than some of the alternatives. So I guess I'm a little bit proud of myself for keeping my trucker mouth in check...although, when trying to assess the damage, I referred back to the lovely conversation I overheard before they saw me and did ask them: "Did someone actually take a shit in the laundry room?" ...and they assured me that it was probably just the cat...hmmmmm....Excellent.

We returned to the house later that evening and, to my surprise...and to their credit...they did a mostly good job of cleaning up. The floors were still sticky but everything else looked ok. (although, upon further inspection when My Sis got home...one of "idiots" had punched a hole in a wall in My Niece's room...idiot.)

They had also written a rather heartfelt apology note in which they basically parrot-ed everything I had told them that was wrong with what they had done...but it proved that at least one of them had actually listened to my lecture.

The one thing I really wish I had thought to include in my rant was to point out to them that what they had done was...


And, that I could've call the cops and had them charged....but, of course, that whole aspect of the situation didn't dawn on me until later that night...when My Guy told me. 

I am not wise in the ways of crime.

Anyhow...that is the end of my role in this story.

My Niece had found out about the party when she checked her email/Facebook/Twitter on the resort's public computer later in the week. One of her friends had messaged her and fessed up to the whole thing. I'm sure My Niece would've figured something was up even without the confession since a bunch of party attendees had tweeted about the party and had posted pictures of themselves with the cat...

...this confirms it...

Teenagers are idiots.


I filled My Sister in on all the details while she was waiting for the airport limo to pick them up and drive them home and she has since called the police and decided to NOT press charges against My Niece's lovely and considerate friends.
She has asked that each of the girls and their parents are paid a visit by an officer who will explain exactly why it is illegal to let yourself into someone else's home and have a party with 40-50 drunk teenagers and what could have happened to them had my sister chosen to press charges.

She has also asked that her house(carpets included)be professionally cleaned.

So far, she has heard from only one parent who called to apologize for her daughter's actions.

Only one.

Out of four.

Parents of teenagers are idiots.


LisaAnn said...

Wow, this story is shocking. I can't believe this actually happened, and I'm proud of you for the lecture from above! Isn't funny how--as adults--we know we are mostly full of shit, but the teens we lecture would never even suspect it. I bet you terrified them!

P.S.- That would have been a WICKED raccoon! ;)

Melissa Smart said...

This is an awesome story!

Point of order:

Didn't you or the Girl have your phones with you? I would have taken a picture of the little darlings as photo evidence. And pics of the damage as well.


Still Singing said...

Wow. Just wow.
My voice would have gotten a little bit more than SHRILL and YELL-Y!! There would have been a lot of "Are you f**king kidding me with this?" and "Have you lost your ever-loving minds???" I would have called their parents RIGHT THEN AND THERE. Because I am a bitch, apparently!
Jeeeeez! Kids these days...

Helluva Raccoon!

squirrel_e_girl said...

LisaAnn - Thanks for the props!! I've never, in my whole life, been described as terrifying...YES!! :) And, an actual raccoon would've made the story waaaaaay more awesome!!

Mel- Hey...did you happen to catch the part(s) where I mention my absolute lack of crisis management skills?? I couldn't even find a goddamn pen, let alone think to gather photographic evidence...sheesh...cut me some slack, man ;)

SS - I'm thinking you would've been way more effective in this particular situation. I am a wienie. Next time, I'll make sure to bring you in as back-up!! And, Helluva raccoon, indeed!!

AH CRAP!! I just noticed that I missed a 'c' in my raccoon in the blog title...must fix!!