I'm not a TOTAL hater...honest.

Ok....so maybe I hate a couple of Canadian songs from the '80s but I'm not a complete CanadianMusicaphobe. It's a real word. If you don't believe me...look it up.

Au contraire, mes amis!! See!! I'm even bilingual... I totally love Canada!!

I enjoyed a whole whack of Canadian music when I was young..... and restless. <---- see what I just did there?? Well, you would if you a true fan of Canadian music from the '80s, like me.

My tastes were a little diverse...

Along with almost every teenage Canadian girl in the '80s, I loved Corey Hart. I had a chance to go see him in concert but my dad wouldn't let me go because a teenage boy was doing the driving and he didn't trust teenage boy drivers...weird. Anyway, the boy I was supposed to go with took another girl...Thanks for nothin' Dad!!  Goddamn, Corey Hart was so adorable.

See:

I loved the super awesomely cheesey Platinum Blonde....but that doesn't really matter. You're welcome for the chance for an awesome air drum solo. The lead singer looks just like my next door neighbour did...but she was/is a girl.

I loved Rush. My friend and I would sneak into her brother's room and listen to all his Rush albums and discuss the lyrics...we were so deep. Yeah right.

See...I loved TONS of Canadian song in the '80s. And there's waaaaay more...


hmmmmmm.....

You know what I feel comin' on??

I feel a comprehensive list comin' on...don't you??

So here is:

"A Kinda Comprehensive List of Canadian Songs from the '80s That I Loved"
by: squirrel_e_girl

• One of my Favourites: "She Ain't Pretty" by Northern Pikes. I think it's hilarious.  (this one is from  1990...but I'm sneaking it in anyway)

• Any song by The Grapes of Wrath, but probably this one the most... Peace of Mind

• Any song by Blue Rodeo. I'm going with "Try". These guys are still one of my very very favourite bands.  Jim Cuddy is so dreamy...sort of a Woody from Toy Story/ Wayne Gretzky combo...but sexier.

• Who doesn't love "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats?

• Then there's "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. Everyone loves this song and if they don't then they have issues...big ones. Actually, the very first time I ever felt "old"was immediately after this song played on the radio and the announcer said "And that was an oldie but a goodie by Bryan Adams. Ten years ago this week, "Heaven" was released"...and I felt like someone put a (cuts like a) knife right straight from the heart of my youth...I was 23. "Heaven" was responsible for my awakening to the concept of the passage of time. This little explanatory blurb is grammatically indecent...but I'm leaving it as is.

• I also loved anything by Spoons. They were the first band I ever saw in concert. My best friend and I took a bus all the way down to Barrie to see them. It's only 1/2 hour away...but we were 14 so it was kind of a big deal.  The keyboardist was a total babe and only now, as a mature grown up lady, can I fully appreciate the hotness of the bass player. She is even more of a total babe. My favourite song is "Arias and Symphonies" but I could only find a non-'80s version so I'm not going to showcase old people singing the songs of my youth. Instead, take a peek at "Nova Heart"...it's pretty good, too. (if you really want to hear "Arias and Symphonies" click here and scoot to 19:07)

• Ok...now this one is a wee bit cheesier than the rest but I still loved it.  It's a song by Honeymoon Suite...who played in my high school's gym. These guys are the second band I saw live. The song is called "What Does it Take" and it reminds me of a boy I loved...*sigh*. BIG HAIR ALERT!!!

• And, now for something completely different...David Wilcox. He's awesome. His songs, along with ACDC, provided the soundtrack to most Orillia high school parties back in the day. I could probably sing several of his songs word for word acapella ...THAT is how ingrained Wilcox is into my memory. I saw him, too, at a high school concert..he was a hoot. He might've even been drunker than some of the teenaged concert goers...and that's sayin' something. Although, at that particular concert, I think the vast majority of kids were on acid...present company excluded. Seriously, if you were to poll any/all people who were in attendance at that show, most would have to check the "yes" box after the " Were you on acid at the Wilcox concert at OD?".  Not me...I was just smashed...most likely on Southern Comfort and Cream Soda...yummy. Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago, my Sweetie and I had the good fortune of seeing Wilcox play live and I was wondrously surprised when he stepped on stage and started to sing. Quite frankly, I was expecting to be embarrassed for him. The man is 64 and has lived a HARD life of booze and drugs and I figured he'd be horrible...but he was the opposite of horrible. His voice was clear and crisp and his guitar playing was as sharp as ever. Super crazy impressive. Kudos to you, Mr. Wilcox. Here's "Riverboat Fantasy"...sing along with me, if you please:

• This is another good one. "I'm an Adult Now" but The Pursuit of Happiness.

• This song isn't one of my favourites, but this past summer, I did win two rounds of golf because I was able to name "The band and song name" on a radio contest called "The Blast from the Past". ..so I feel it deserves an honourable mention. It's "Innocence" and it's by a band called Harlequin. Thanks for the golf, dudes.

**********************

Now...there are actually TONS more but I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead and I think I've firmly established the fact that I really DO love Canadian music of the '80s.

Now, Canadian literature....

That is definitely another story. 

A dark, dreary, depressing story. 

Don't even go there, sister.

Holy Shit!!!  Canadian authors are a morbid lot.

Although I do love Timothy Findley.

But he's a dark DARK bastard, too.

And I would FOR SURE lose my Orillian citizenship if I lumped Stephen Leacock in with everyone else... 

So, before I discover any burning bags of dog poop on my front porch...

I Heart Stephen Leacock.

And Gordon Lightfoot. (gotta cover all my bases)

YAY,  ORILLIA!!!

...phew

Thanks, Bruce Cockburn. I needed that.

I never...

....in a million gajillion years

thought I'd have anything nice to say about Bruce Cockburn's music.

But, now I do.

You see, I was driving home from work today and this song came on the radio:

...and I started to COL (Chuckle Out Loud) to myself.

You see, waaaaaaaaaay back in the '80s, when this song first came out, I hated it.

HATED.

IT.

Hated it.

It made me irrationally angry.

I'm talking, Teenager Irrationally Angry.

And that's pretty f**king irrationally angry.

The only thing that made me more irrationally angry than THAT song did, was THIS song :

Holy christ.

The songs are soooooooo loooooooooong and booooooooring and monotonous and stupid and repetitive and looooooooooong and boooooooooring and monotonous and stupid and repetitive.

They made me want to remove my eardrums with a pair of tweezers.

Now, I know that he's being all environmental activist-y and trying to raise awareness of a lot of shitty SHITTY things that go on in this crazy ol' world...and I do respect that.

I really do.

AND

On top of that..

He's Canadian.

Crap.

Goddamn, I hope I don't get my Canadian Card suspended for this bare-faced blasphemy. Fingers crossed.

Great job, Mr. Cockburn, fellow Canadian. I commend you on your efforts to save our beautiful planet.

...but could you please "do good" with better, less annoying songs??

Pretty please??

With a wee bit of organic stevia on top??

Back in the day, I seemed to have issues with certain Canadian songs of the '80s, because I also f**king HATED this one, by Luba:

ARRRRRRGH!!!

It's stupid and super long, too.

Then there was THIS ONE, by The Parachute Club, that I think I probably hated more than the other three combined:

Blech.

Anyhow, I'm a little off course.

Back to Bruce and why I'm grateful to him.

So, "If a Tree Falls"  was playing and I was chuckling, thinking back to my irrational teenage years and marveling at how violently perturbed that song made me (and if I'm completely honest, I still can't stand it) and how much those other songs bugged me, too, and I thought to my Self...

"Self, that sounds like some fun blog post fodder."

You see, what with one thing and another, I haven't felt particularly inspired and I've avoided my blog like it was someone knocking on my front door...

I've got another funny "someone knocking on my door" story ...maybe I'll write about that, too. We'll see.

And who woulda thunk that I could find inspiration in a stupid annoying long ass monotonous Bruce Cockburn song??

But I did.

And I'm writing about it.

Lucky you guys!!??

YAY???

The End.

p.s. As a favour to you, I will also share the only other good thing about Bruce Cockburn, and that is this cover of "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" by The Barenaked Ladies:

You're welcome.


OH!! ok....FINE!!!!

I admit that, since becoming a grown up person, I have, on occasion, much to my teenage Self's chagrin, found myself inadvertently singing along to both the Luba song AND the Parachute Club song.

Whatever.

You caught me.

I still hate the Bruce Cockburn songs.

So there!!

UPDATE

It has been brought to my attention that I actually DO like an actual Bruce Cockburn song that is actually sung by Bruce Cockburn.

Damn.

But I am a big enough squirrel_e_girl to admit it.

It's a really good song. It's sweet and happy and up-tempo.

It is written and performed by Bruce Cockburn.

And, I like it.

Here it is:

...I still hate the other Bruce Cockburn songs.

So there!!

If I was a betting squirrel....

There are 4 ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

I am home alone for the next 20ish hours.

What are the chances of there being any ice cream sandwiches left in the freezer by this time tomorrow??

Actually...

Scratch that.


There are 3 ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

I am home alone for the next 20ish hours.

What are the chances of there being any ice cream sandwiches left in the freezer by this time tomorrow??

My Sober Concert

Way back on August 30th, a wonderful event took place.

Zac Brown Band played in Toronto and The Girl, My Guy and I attended the show.

Now.... 

...last year,  ZBB played in Toronto and My Guy and I attended the show...and I imbibed rather heavily...mostly RockStar [+Vodka]s and a few Bacardi Breezers...as is evidenced in this blog post aptly titled... My Drunk Concert . I had a whoooooooollllle big bunch o' fun BUT I feel that while I may have gotten the most out of the spirit and the vibe of the show, I kinda missed a lot of the finer points...like the encore...and the coyote. The day after that show I swore to you, my Beloved Readers, that, if ZBB ever came back to Toronto and I was lucky enough to attend, I would attend SOBER and I would beat down my basic inner nature and stay for the encore.

Here's my video vow:

So, August 30th arrived and the three of us piled into the car and made the journey to the Big Smoke and things were going swimmingly until THIS...

Damn.

When all hope of getting to the concert before ZBB came on had all but faded (we had already for definite sure missed the opening act The Sadies ...a very cool Canadian Indie band...oops) but then My Most Excellent Guy had a brilliant idea...he suggested that The Girl and I hop out of the car and walk to the Molson Amphitheatre...we'd get there faster à pied than we would en voiture. 

He is a fine selfless soul.

Neither The Girl or I are particularly selfless so it didn't take much persuading for us to leap out into traffic (slow-moving as it was) and sprint for the venue.

We got there and then had to wait in line FOREVER for the "facilities"  and I came terrifyingly close to peeing my pants and then we made our way through the drunken masses...barbaric boors... ;) ...and got to our seats and did a little happy dance because.....

Look how close we are to the stage!!!

YAY!!!!!! 

And then we did what girls at concerts are supposed to do and took a myriad of selfies. Apparently, according to my daughter, I am crap at taking selfies so I had a crash course in Selfie Photography and these are the results...

Obligatory Concert Mother/Daughter Selfie

'Nother One

'Nother One

The mic is in place...the tension mounts...

And here is when My Guy, out of the blue, pops in beside us...telling us a wonderful story of how he got fed up and frustrated with the fact that the traffic was not moving AT ALL and he noticed that there were parking spots available in the parking lot right off the highway... and a Parking Lady had just told him that he'd have to travel (at breakneck speed...a snail's breakneck speed) another 3 whole blocks...

"Well"...said My Guy to himself...

"F**K THAT!"

...and cranked the wheel to the right and drove up and over the curb and the boulevard into the supposedly full parking lot that was right in front of the front gates...and found a sweet spot right at the front of the parking lot right in front of the front gates.

Oh yeah!!!

Take THAT stupid Toronto traffic jam.

So, after patting himself heartily on the back to congratulate himself for accomplishing a feat of ballsy and timely 4X4 wheelin' parking ingenuity, he sprinted and got to us just in time for THIS....

The Zac is in place!!! YAY!!

The Band

The guys slow it down a bit...and yes that is a taxidermied(sp) coyote...awesome.

The Girl "enjoying" the show ;)

I got photobombed...Brilliant!!

Look Ma!! No Booze!! Vow #1 fulfilled.

This is me last year...lots o' booze. Pre-Vow #1

Me and My Guy

And...

Guess what!!??

I stayed for the encore.

Yes, I did....and I'm soooo happy that I did because otherwise, I would've missed the whole band reappearing on stage in glow-in-the-dark skeleton suits...HA!! I haven't seen that old trick since The Boy's 5th Birthday/Halloween party... Jack didn't play the fiddle though.

Proof that I stayed for the Encore...Vow #2 fulfilled.

Glow-in-the-dark Skeleton suits...yep.

The concert was INCREDIBLE!!

Goddamn they put on a good show. They did all their big hits and a bunch of their hilarious songs and we heard a few anecdotes and they did some kickass covers ...they did some Zeppelin, Metallica's Enter Sandman, Bob Marley's One Love,  Eagles' Seven Bridges Road and Bryan Ferry's Avalon...and of course, a crazy high-energy rendition of  The Devil Went Down to Georgia.

Yep... 

....good stuff.

Great concert.

Oh...and then the great concert was made even greater when it turned out that the parking lot that My Guy had so tricksily.... and illegally ... parked in was "Pay on Entry" and since he had entered by unconventional means...we didn't have to pay for parking...in Toronto...at the Molson Amphitheatre....

Oh yeah!!

Anyhow...great concert. Hugely enjoyable to be there but not necessarily all that much fun to recount because there are no ParkingLot RockStar Shenanigans to report.

...hmmmmm

...just a minute.

I've had a brilliant brain wave. 

There is always...

NEXT YEAR!!!

Next year...I'll have many boozy drinks...and I won't stay for the encore.

One year on...one year off...one year on again!!!

Balance.

Yin. Yang.

Sounds like a plan.

Next year there will be scores of hilarious hijinks to relay and that post will be waaaaay more fun to write and to read.

I'm a genius.

It's a date!! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

p.s. I am not entirely sure why the whole post (except for one paragraph) is "centred".

...I can't fix it. 

I tried.

But...

I can't.

Weird.

!

The Greatest Thing...

So...the greatest thing just happened to me.

I finished my yummy lunch ...left-over souvlaki, tzatziki sauce and apple slices...and I was shuffling around the kitchen like a slug, grumbling to myself about the fact that there was nothing crappy to eat and I really felt like eating something crappy because it is a cold blah September day and cold blah September days remind me that summer is over and that November is coming and that makes me feel blah and grumpy and sluggish and leaves me wanting to eat crappy food.

As I grumbled and shuffled away, I checked and re-checked the cupboards and fridge in my quest for crappy food.

No dice.

Crap.

I didn't feel like veggies or fruits or wheat-free granola.

grumblegrumblegrumble

In a last ditch effort, I opened up the freezer and guess what I found???!!!

A MOSTLY FULL TUB OF OREO ICE CREAM!!!!

WAHOooOOOoOOOOoOOOOooOOOo!!!

I asked my Self... "Self, how the hell did THAT get in there??"

And then I remembered that The Girl bought some Oreo ice cream to go along with the deliciously thoughtful greatest birthday cake EVER that she made for me way back on August 13th (Thanks, Katy!! Love you!! xoxoxo)

So, the hugely unexpected appearance of Oreo ice cream in my freezer is awesome on a couple of different levels...

Level #1... there was Oreo ice cream in my freezer.

 ....and that's AWESOME!!!

AND...

Level B) ...there was Oreo ice cream in my freezer....

....ONE MONTH AFTER it was originally and most thoughtfully purchased by my beautiful daughter...which means that there has been Oreo ice cream in my freezer for ONE WHOLE MONTH and I haven't eaten it ...which means that I am actually mostly adhering to my new "Eating Well" regime.

...and that's AWESOME!!

Now some of you might be quick to point out that "Of course, the Oreo ice cream is still there, dumbass!! You FORGOT that it was even there...how can you eat something that you forget is there??"

To which I will counter ...

Yeee-ssssss...

BUT!!!

... the very fact that I actually FORGOT that there was Oreo ice cream in my freezer is evidence that my dietary habits have changed.

The old me would never EVER, in a million years, have forgotten that there was Oreo ice cream in my freezer. Its very existence in my home would've been Top Priority in my "Things I Should Remember" file and I would've had a bowl (or two) a day until it was all gone.

And I didn't.

And a month later, the mostly full tub of Oreo ice cream is still in my freezer.

BAM!!!

Greatest thing!!

....

....

....

Unfortunately, it is still a cold blah September day and now that I have finished a wee small bowl of delicious Oreo ice cream, I am going to curl up on the couch with my 2 doggies (one who smells of skunk...gross) wrapped in  my Winnie the Pooh blanket and have a nice nap.

n'night!!

I Bet This Has Never Happened to You...

So, this afternoon, The Girl and I had matching chiropractor appointments...

Mother/Daughter spinal adjustments are the next big thing...Just you wait and see. Mother/Daughter Spa days are très passé.

Trust me.

Anyway...

Today, as well as an adjustment, I was in the market for some orthotics.

You see, earlier this year, I went to see my family doctor because my feet were falling asleep...whilst I walk around.

It's rather distracting

My lovely angel of a physician(who just happens to be a devout Christian...but I love him anyway) took one look at the bottom of my foot and said..

"You're screwed."

...which totally cracked me up.

...because he is Dutch and a very VERY active member of the Christian Reformed Church ...and he had just told me I was screwed.

Hilarious.

Trust me.

Anyway...

In spite of the hilarity of the initial diagnosis, it turns out that my arches are non-existent. It's not the normal arch that's bad (of course it's not). There is an arch that I never knew existed that resides in the middle of the ball of one's foot. Apparently, it never existed in the balls of my feet and as such,  this lack of arch puts pressure on some nerves and my toes quite often go all pins and needly-like when I'm wandering about.

 AND...just to add insult to injury, because of my arch-less-ness, I am also developing some nice callouses on the soles of my feet...which is quite different than developing diamonds on the soles of my shoes.

ANYWAY...

Due to my malformed feet, I am in the market for some orthotics and my chiropractor provides such things and I figure with flip-flop season drawing to an end...f**k...I'm gonna have to start wearing real shoes again and my toes are going to start falling asleep again so I should probably start looking into rectifying this situation BEFORE this shit goes down.

I'm renowned for my pro-active-ness...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

No I'm not.

So, we get to the Chiro's office and, in compliance with the nice sign at the door, we remove our shoes...or rather...our flippy flops, and, with a growing sense of horror, it dawns on me that my former flippy flop wearing extremities don't smell so good ...the whole "bare feet/rubber shoe" combo generally does NOT work in my olfactory favour.

Crap.

What to do? What to do?

I spot the handy dandy hand sanitizer on the receptionist's counter and think to my Self...

"AH HA!! Problem solved!! I will over-power the flip flop smell with the smell of mediciney alcohol. Self, you are a genius."

Only, the flip flop/hand sanitizer smell combo is actually way way waaaaaaaay worse than the plain old flip flop/bare feet combo.

Crap.

What to do? What to do?

Another magnificent brain wave rolled over me and I realized that there was probably some sort of bathroom facility in the office and, typically, bathrooms have sinks with running water... and soap.

AH HA!!!

So, I legged it to the loo and, lo and behold, there WAS a sink with running water and soap...and paper towels.

Excellent.

So, picture this, if you will...

Me.... standing in the small little bathroom with one foot hoisted up into the sink, washing it thoroughly with vanilla scented Soft Soap.... following it up with a quick and thorough rinse. Hoisting said foot up and out of the sink and giving it a quick and thorough dry with the paper towels so graciously provided.

I imagine I cut quite a fine figure.

On to the next foot...

Hoist foot UP and into the sink...where the water is already running and ready to go...and...

OH MY CHRIST!!! WHEN DID THE NICE WARM WATER TURN INTO MOLTEN LAVA!! I THINK MY FOOT FLESH IS GOING TO BLISTER AND BUBBLE OFF MY FOOT BONES!!

I fumble and bumble my way around the taps, trying to get the temperature to something a little less than thermonuclear...which was way more difficult and took way more time than I am willing to willingly admit...

It probably would've been more sensible to perhaps actually remove my foot from the sink full of water drawn from the fiery pits of hell...but my crisis-handling skills aren't fabulous and, really, I was worried about getting water all over the nice bathroom...would hate to make a mess.

So...

Um...

Yeah.

I scalded my right foot in the bathroom sink at my chiropractor's office today.

What did you do??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

p.s. My foot is still red and ouchie from its time spent in Satan's bathtub...and this happened at 2:30 this afternoon.

It is now 6:37pm.

Kids...don't try that at home.

p.p.s. It may still hurt like a sonofabitch but it sure does smell purdy.

More Confessions from the Squirrel Cage

ok....

I'm going to share what just happened here, in my squirrel_e_world, during the last 20 minutes or so.

Quick Clarification: the last 20 minutes or so prior to my sitting down to write this pointless blog post...the writing of which will take a good hour and a half ... or so...Hey...you can't rush magic. Fact.

I'm not proud of this story.

It's rather ridiculous.

It makes me look like a complete dumbass but I think this sordid tale might make a few of you chuckle.

...at me.

...and that's ok.

It's not a bad thing to bring a little bit of laughter into this big ol crazy Universe...even if it IS at the expense of my dignity.

I'm good like that.

OK...

So, as some of you may or may not know, I have a little problem with stupid silly games I play on my iPad.  I am a wee bit hooked and it verges on being an addiction...and when I say it "verges on", I mean that it is totally an absolutely mindless addiction.

My current game of choice is the super stupid and super silly game called "Candy Crush Saga"

...even the name is stupid.

I've been stuck on this one level for the past week-ish. It's nigh on impossible to complete and I'm getting a wee tiny bit frustrated. That's why, today, when I got to the point where I had this level by the balls, and was soooooooo close to winning I could taste it (the winning not the balls), I was giddy with joy and relief...

All I had to do was shift one sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy down beside another sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy and I'd be VICTORIOUS!!!

VICTORIOUS, I SAY!!

Looking at the board, I had mentally mapped out the moves I was going to have to make in order to ensure my victory...but then...horror of horrors...I noticed that all I had left was ONE SINGLE MEASELY MOVE and there was no way in hell that I was going to do what I had to do in ONE SINGLE MEASELY MOVE.

SONOFABITCH!!!

I was so shattered that I began to think the unthinkable.

I began to contemplate breaking a solemn oath I had sworn to my Self.

A mighty oath that promised I would never ever, in a million years, spend any(more) money on this wretched game..

... yet,  there I was, actually considering the purchase, for $1.03, of 10 gold bars so I could visit The Yeti Shop and buy the 5 more moves necessary to guarantee sweet glorious victory.

In the name of full disclosure, I have on one other occasion, forsaken my pride... and common sense ... and purchased extra moves but that particular $1.03 came from my cache of banked  iTune dollars that were all gifts, so that transgression didn't really count...it was like a teeny tiny belated Christmas gift to my Self.

However, today I was playing through Facebook on the desktop and not, as I had been for my previous fall from grace, through the app on my iPad ... SO... there was no way I could figure out how to gain access to my iTunes Christmas present money.

If I was going to do this dastardly deed, I'd have to pay real money.

Damn.

I wrestled with the moral implications of using real money in this stupid game and after a couple of minutes of deliberation with my Self, I decided I was going to do it.

I committed to buying 5 extra moves.

BAM.

...

Damn.

I clicked all the way through the steps and got to where I had to decide what real money payment method I was going to use and I decided that I'd throw it on my debit card instead of my Visa...no use going into debt buying gold bars in the Yeti Shop.

I typed in all the numbers required and took a deep cleansing breath and hit "Enter"...

Where I expected my guilt-ridden gold bars to magically appear on the screen, I was met instead by a message in BIG RED LETTERS that said

DECLINED- This account is not authorized to buy Gold Bars in The Yeti Shop, You Dumbass.

It actually didn't say that but it did decline the payment because my account was not authorized to do online transactions... the very same authorization I revoked earlier this week when I got a new debit card because my other one had been breached...through online purchases not purchased by my Self (but THAT's a whole other somewhat baffling tale).

DOH!!!

Foiled by my own security measures.

I must've had some subconscious trip into the future and knew that I was going to suffer a Candy Crush break in sanity and want to buy Gold Bars and therefore said "Nah...better not" when the nice lady at the bank asked me if I wanted to authorize the card for online transactions.

Onto Plan B...

I decided I had sunk this low so I might as well go the distance and put it on my Visa....but my wallet was out in my car....damn...perhaps my card was in a pant pocket on my bedroom floor. So, in an effort to save myself a trip out to the car to grab my wallet, I rifled my way through my dirty laundry and discovered, as I had figured I would, that the Visa was NOT in a pant pocket.

So, I sighed and trudged the whole 30ish feet out to the car to grab my wallet.

No card.

And that's when I remembered that I had given my Visa to the kids for their flight to Hawaii, in case they wanted to buy a snack or a beer or something on the plane, and The Girl had yet to give it back.

Note to Self - When The Girl gets home from work, demand the prompt return of my credit card.

And, while I do have the actual Visa number, I don't have any of the important Gold Bar Buying enabling info like an expiry date or security number.(that card is new, too)

Damn.

I banged my head on the counter and looked at the screen and saw that another option was PayPal.

hmmmmmm....

I don't have a PayPal account, but they have a link to where you set up an account if you want to....of course they do.

So, in desperation, I clicked on the link so I could set up a PayPal account and buy some f**king gold bars and what does it ask you for right after the whole name and address part???

Your credit card info.

The credit card info that I had quite recently discovered I didn't have.

Good Christ.

I reluctantly and embarrassedly gave up my search for gold and decided to take that last futile move and finish the f**king game.

Then I noticed that I had a "booster" that had been given as a reward simply for being a Candy Crush Saga user...probably to get you hooked on the power of the "booster" so you buy the booster packs so you can take the easy way out of levels...and make the game-making people a shit ton of desperation money.

This free booster would smash a single candy.

Any single candy.

This free booster was EXACTLY what I needed.

I needed ONE single candy SMASHED...and then my one sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy would gently fall into place beside my other sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy and then I could use my one remaining move and make a sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candy combo and the level would be COMPLETE!!

SWEET VICTORY WOULD BE MINE!!!

Thank you, Lollipop Hammer.

I laughed at all the shenanigans and foolishness that had transpired over the past several minutes and tsk-tsk'd my Self for stooping so low as to even attempt to buy 5 extra stupid moves in that stupid silly game and then clicked on the "booster" and moused it down onto the game board and unleashed its candy smashing booster power and...

....hit the wrong f**king candy.

I smashed one of the sprinkle-covered super crazy exploding candies....

...not the candy below it.

And everything...

...including my already battered dignity...

....exploded in flash of sprinkle-covered super craziness.

Game Over.

Level Failed.

I am a dumbass.

At least I can laugh at my dumbass-ness.

And now you can, too.

The End.

Level Failed.

P.S.

HEY!!! Look what I found!!! A video explaining exactly WHY Candy Crush Saga is PURE EVIL!!

Well played, young man. Well played.

UPDATE....August 12th 2013

NAILED IT!!!

No Poorly Aimed Boosters OR Stupid Extra Move Purchases required!!

I am a bit of a purist.

If there's such a thing as being too good at growing tomatoes...

...then that's what I am.

Seriously.

My tomato plants are extraordinarily HUGE.

Too huge for their own good.

Too huge for my own good.

And prolific....holy crap!!

Last year my tomatoes were too big for their cages and they fell all over themselves and the res of my garden.

See:

This year, in an effort to avoid a repeat of last year's "success",  instead of buying regular tomato plants, I bought grape tomato plants.

Grape tomatoes are the size of ...well, they are the size of grapes....and the way I figured it, wee small tomatoes would logically have smaller, more manageable plants than the regular big tomatoes did.

I was incorrect.

These are my two grape tomato plants (there are no ripe grape tomatoes..I ate 'em. They were delicious):

I just went out to take pictures of my enormous tomato plants but photos alone could not do their enormity any justice...so I videoed it.

Real live veggie garden action.

You don't get that anywhere else but here, folks.

Here's my garden:

Oh, and in case you're wondering what my interloping gourds look like, this is one:

In keeping with the theme of insane gardens... here is a song:

Madness by: Muse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
p.s. This is how you pronounce "gourd"....http://www.thefreedictionary.com/gourd

Oh By Gosh, By Golly!!

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Did you hear that??

That's the sound of me ... SMILING!!

And NOT swearing!!!

I just got back from my dentist appointment...you know, the one I've been dreading for the last 9 months (read this Post "And The Tooth Fairy Can Kiss My Ass, Too!!" if you'd like to know what the heck I'm talking about)...

AND....

...it didn't even hurt one little bit.

I'm not even making this up.

It was beautiful!!!

It was like the good old days...back before I turned 40.

Here's how it happened:

So, a half hour before my appointment, I downed a couple of Advil (as has been my pre-dental cleaning pain-relieving precautionary measure since turning 40), reminisced about my last few nasty visits to the dentist, grumbled, cringed, swore a couple of times and then hopped into the car and drove to the dentist office with my soul chock full o' dread, tension and resentment.

I arrived and took a seat in the waiting room.

gumblegrumblegrumble

I read a few pages of a People magazine and got caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...

gumblegrumblegrumble

I hated myself for a second or two for getting caught up on Kim and Kanye's latest antics...

gumblegrumblegrumble

Had a couple of xrays taken...pain-free.

No big deal.

Xrays never hurt anyway.

grumblegrumblegrumble

Then I was ushered back into the hall of horrors by the beautiful and kind Corinne. She showed me to her chair and I sat down.

She bibbed me up and leaned the chair back into ready position.

I put my sunglasses on...

Tensed my entire body up in order to face the imminent pain and suffering head on...

She lowered the light...

Game Time.

35ish minutes and some lovely chit chat later, she raised the light, put my chair back into its upright position and it was over.

Not. One. Single. Ouchie.

Even midway through, when she asked, "Is this area tender right here??',

I answered honestly and eagerly...

 "Nope!!"

Before I stood up, I flipped my Oakleys to the top of my head and told her...in reverent and hushed tones ... that she had just made me a very very happy girl and that my last several cleanings had been rather "unenjoyable" and that I loved her with all of my heart.

No, just jokes... I didn't tell her the last part about loving her with all of my heart...even though I do.

I actually had to keep myself reined in and force myself to not give her a great big hug of love and gratitude...I'm not a particularly huggy person, so the fact that I had to stop myself from embracing someone is really quite something.

Anyway, I walked out of there with a spankin' new blue toothbrush, some minty floss, a SpongeBob sticker, a spring in my step and a song in my heart.

I was ... and still am, really ... downright giddy.

YAY!!!

Thank you, Corinne!! You are an angel of mercy and gentleness!! ...Do you think you could possibly put a good word in for me with the Tooth Fairy?? I kinda trash talked her a while back and may not be on her Or Nice list anymore.

And...thanks for the sticker.

SHARK ATTACK!!!

...no...not really.

They all survived their  Hawaii Shark Encounter.. limbs and innards intact.

Phew!!!

There is actual video footage to prove it.

See:

So, that's the sharks taken care of.

...now there's just the almost-hurricane to contend with.

*sigh*

You've Certainly Outdone Yourself This Time, President!!

Me and My Guy were in the grocery store today and whilst wandering through the produce section, something peculiar caught my eye.

I immediately thought to my Self,

"What the hell is THAT, Self??!! It looks like a giant shiny green plastic penis!! I had no idea President's Choice was peddling sex toys now, too ... Joe Fresh indeed."

Upon reflection, I shouldn't have been so taken aback...after all, there is no shortage of phallus-shaped objects in the produce section...Actually, if you stop and think about it for a second, the number of veggies and fruit that resemble male dangly bits is quite staggering, really.

I'll give you a minute to think it over...

Am I right or am I right???

I'm right.

Penises aplenty.

Anyhow, once I recovered from the shock of being exposed to a shiny green plastic penis-shaped object, I brought it to My Guy's attention and we went a little closer in order to investigate.

We quickly figured out (by reading the label) that it was NOT a giant shiny green plastic penis...rather it WAS, in fact, a shiny green plastic Asparagus Holder....that kinda looks like a penis.

BRILLIANT!!!

Oh, Almighty President!! You've made a mighty fine Choice this time around ...and I thank you for that.

I don't know how many times I've searched through my kitchen for a container to suitably store my asparagus...and, now, for 3 bucks I've got my very own shiny green plastic penis-shaped asparagus holder.

The kids'll get a huge kick out if it when the get home from Hawaii...if they don't get eaten by a shark...or washed away in a storm surge.

And, here it is....

Not a Penis

Tropical Adventures...A Mother's Delight

My children are in Hawaii hanging out with the ol Erstwhile Husband. He's working there for several weeks and the lucky little bastards/darlings get to spend 10 days with him.

This is all very lovely and I'm only slightly/a lot-ly jealous of their tropical escapades.

I miss them like crazy....the house is pretty quiet ...and tidy...without them here but overall, I am handling my temporarily empty nest with grace and peace.

However...

Currently, there are a couple of things that are causing me a wee bit of motherly concern... so here's:

"A Comprehensive List of a Couple of Things that are Currently Causing Me a Wee Bit of Motherly Concern Regarding the Fact that My Children are Currently in Hawaii... with Their Father"
by: squirrel_e_girl

• Thing #1:

• Thing B:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sharks and Hurricanes.

Of course.

*sigh*

Being the safety-conscious parent I am, I sent them this wardrobe suggestion for this morning's adventure:

I also sent emails to all three children, asking them to STAY AWAY FROM THE F**KING WATER when Flossie comes to town...since, as noted above, "Flossie will also cause rough surf to develop in an east to west fashion across all of the Hawaiian islands Monday through Tuesday, creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers."

 My Boy surfing for the first time...sans Shark-Tricking Wetsuit

...creating dangers for surfers and beachgoers.

Of course.

*sigh*

Summer Math

Here in Northern Southern Ontario, we are enduring summer's first heat wave.

Hooray??

The humidity is yucky and oppressive and since I don't do particularly well with being oppressed ...or repressed...I can sometimes err on the side of edginess and little things that I can normally let slide tend to annoy the bejesus out of me.

Par example...

Yesterday, I was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner and I realized that I had started to twitch and my head felt like it might explode. At first, I thought I was having some sort of stroke-like episode but then I looked behind me and any and all worries concerning my health immediately vanished.

This is what I saw:

(make sure you turn up the volume in order to experience the video's full effect)

Can  you understand why even my subconscious got a wee bit annoyed and twitchy without my being consciously aware of why I was suffering an annoyance-fuelled stroke??

Now, I adore dogs as much as the next guy...that is why we open our home to our friends' dogs... and it is tons of fun and wildly entertaining...usually.

Yesterday, we were lucky enough to be hosting 2 lovely grrls (whom I have known since they were puppies)...and it was super crazy hot.

Oppressive Humidity(2 Resident Dogs + 2 Guest Dogs) = 4 HotDogs

4 HotDogs ÷ 2 = 2 Pairs of Panties

Oppressive Heat + 2 Pairs of Panties = 1 Annoyed and Twitchy squirrel_e_girl