Sunday, June 23, 2013

Do as I say...not as I do.

I am about to impart some powerful and life-changing wisdom to you, my Beloved Readers.

Are you ready??



Never run through a forest wearing flip flops.

Don't do it.


If you do, a little tiny, well camouflaged stumpy protrusion may just leap out and rip the skin off the end of your big toe.

Like this: hurt.

And, yes...I said a whole bunch of bad words.

Well, actually, I think it was one bad word repeated a whole bunch of times.

I think I might've frightened the little dogs I was walking. They looked a wee bit spooked.

The Story:

I was walking 2 of the cutest dogs ever, on the beautiful woodland trail behind their house and I realized I was running a bit late so I thought I'd maybe jog in order to make up some time. (I had an appointment with my sister to get my old lady chin whiskers zapped off...she is a Massage Therapist who works at a spa and they have an old lady chin whisker zapper)

So I started up with a nice easy jog and thought to my Self,

"Self, this is actually a-ok. We should do this everyday...a nice easy jog through the woods just to ramp up the old heart rate a bit. I'm really enjoying this. I can feel the endorphins waking up and dancing in my blo--AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!




I took a quick glance and was relieved to see that I still had a big toe...but it was covered in a whole lot of blood and it really REALLY hurt.

I carried on with my limping and laughing at myself instead of jogging all carefree-like with great plans of fitness and health.

I managed to return to the house and tucked the sweet, bewildered little doggies back in their room and wrapped my mangled toe in a bunch of paper towel...still not looking too closely because I was still kinda worried about what I'd see if I spent more than a split second examining my wound...and besides,  there was no extra time for thorough wound-examination, I had an old lady chin whisker zapping appointment with my sister...who is my rock and saviour....SHE will take care of me and my ouchie toe.

Before I could seek blessed salvation, I had one more dog to walk...but since I couldn't really walk, I just let him out for a quick whizzer...Sorry Blue....I owe you one.

...and THEN I headed to my sister

 ...and salvation.

I got to the spa and me and my paper-towel enshrouded toe hung out in the reception area for a few minutes and I think we might've slipped into a weirdo surreal state of toe-pain shock but then, like an angel of mercy, my sister arrived and whisked me back into the pedicure room...SEE!! I knew I had come to to the right place.

She looked at my owie and immediately sprung into action. And after quickly procuring a handy-dandy first aid kit, she tore open a sterilizing alcohol wipe and used it to gently clean my gaping bloody wound ...

...did I mention that it was an ALCOHOL-soaked wipe??


If I thought having the skin ripped off my toe by a stump in the woods hurt...I was sorely mistaken....<----see what I did there??? sorely mistaken??...sorely....mistaken...sorely??!! hahahahaha 

Well, that was downright blissful ...orgasmic even...compared to having an alcohol-soaked wipe applied to a gaping bloody wound.

Somehow, I managed to NOT kick her in the face...but I did, rather emphatically, suggest that she not come near me with that alcohol-soaked wipe of intolerable agony....instead, she used tweezers to remove the little bits of debris that were lodged in my flesh and then she used a teeny tiny super sharp needle to pull the flap of skin out from under the other part of my toe-skin that was still attached to my toe and she nicely reaffixed the flap of toe-skin to the side of the toenail from which it had been wrenched.

She lovingly bandaged my ravaged toe...gave me a lollipop for being a brave girl and then she zapped my beards.

No more old lady chin whiskers for this kid!!!

Thanks, Mar!!!

p.s. The next day, I returned to the scene of the crime and found the likely culprit...if you look closely, you can almost see remnants of my toe flesh..and some blood...blood that still has some of my exercise-induced endorphins dancing around in it...jerks.

The Stump That Bit Me

 Can You See It??...neither did I.


Laura said...

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Good thing you went to your sister for help and not me because I probably would have just amputated it.
"Nothing we can do here! Let's cut it off!"

At least your toe was nicely manicured at the time and you didn't have to be embarrassed to have it's picture taken.

Hope that it's on the mend!
OUCH!!! (just saw the picture again)


Furtheron said...


Sorry but I have to admit to laughing too much through this - apologies for my sick sense of humour.