Thursday, June 14, 2012

I'm Innocent!! I Swear!! I Am NOT a Plague Riser!!!

Ok...something crazy just happened and I feel an overwhelmingly desperate need to offer up an explanation in order to clear my good name...

To set the stage:
Remember a few weeks ago I let everybody know that my wonderfully awesome friend sent me a personalized autographed copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)” by: Jenny Lawson... and how excited I was because Jenny Lawson is one of my most favourite bloggers in the whole Universe and I've even referred to her in a couple of posts.


OK...so today, I'm spending the day hanging out with The Girl at The Royal Victoria Hospital. Right now, we're in the aptly named “Gowned Waiting Room”...yep...You heard right...the "Gowned Waiting Room". Needless to say, it's pretty surreal to be surrounded by a dozen or so people wearing nothing but hospital gowns...eek


To explain:
The Girl, at 15 1/2 years old, is a retired Canadian Gold/Gold/Silver Medal winning wrestler who has competed in Mexico at the Pan Am Wrestling Championships and has toured Eastern Europe with her wrestling club. As a wrestler, she has had her nose broken several times and those breaks have resulted in a rather significant deviation of her septum AND a big ol’ bump on the bridge of her schnozzola. This rather significant deviation of her septum has caused some rather significant breathing issues which, in turn, have caused some pretty annoying health issues. And the big ol’ bump on the bridge of her schnoz has caused some rather significant teenage girl vanity issues....so we’re here at the hospital in the “Gowned Waiting Room” waiting for her to undergo a “Septorhinoplasty”(aka “Nose Job”).


OK...so I'm hanging out with a bunch of semi-clad people (FYI-The Girl is the youngest Gowned Person by a good 45-50 years...yikes) and I'm passing the time ...and keeping my eyes averted...reading Jenny Lawson’s hilarious book. I was reading merrily along and I got to the part where she explains that her poor pug “died valiantly of a wasp bite/snakebite/shark attack” .... And I thought “WHOAH!!! In my 3rd last blog post I wished my cat grievous injury by way of shark attack ....Jenny and I are like supremely talented literary twins”. And The Girl and I had a little chuckle about that.

BUT!!!

A page or two later she refers to her cats as ASSHOLES!!!!????

WHAT?????

She says ”......Or because these cats are assholes. I'm leaning toward the latter, because these same cats just murdered Hailey’s pet frogs today. It was a goddamn massacre.”

While The Begowned Girl is further impressed that my hilariousness is on par with that of The Bloggess, I am horrified that people might think that I'm ripping Jenny Lawson off....YIKES!!!!

I SWEAR, ON THE SOON-TO-BE-RE-NOSED GIRL’S LIFE, THAT I AM NOT A COPYCAT!!!!

I thought all that shark attack/asshole cat stuff up all on my very own.

My cat IS a total asshole!!!

And he kills stuff!!!

And I kinda wished he'd lose a limb in an unfortunate shark attack.

I didn't need Jenny Lawson as inspiration...the flurry of goldfinch feathers and the death squeals of the chippy are inspiration enough for me.

Please don't take this as evidence that I am a plague riser <---BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....apparently, I spelled ‘plagiarist’ incorrectly and that's what autocorrect gave me...’plague riser’...Yep.

Works for me. :)

YAY!!!! I'm cheered up already.

 :D

Plague riser.

Hee Hee Hee

Anyhow... Please don't take this similarity in writing style as evidence that I am one who plagiarizes because I lack the ability to be original.

Instead, please take this as further evidence that cats are assholes. 

Yet another reason why I hate my cat.

Asshole.

 p.s. The Girl pulled through A-OK...bleeding and bruised but she is one tough cookie and is a sweet and appreciative patient :) Love you, Baby!!

6 comments:

Shane said...

I know you and I know that you are not a Plague riser :) ....Love reading your stuff!

And....hope that nose starts feeling less ouchie... young Girl!!

Melissa Smart said...

When her bewbs come in lumpy does she get a boob job? I wish I was your kid!

Oh the surgeries I would have had ;)

And cats ARE assholes! The are unequivocally the most useless creatures on earth! Nothing eats them and they kill other stuff that you can buy traps or poison for.

As there is a lack of shark availability here in the great white north (that and the chlorine in your pool would likely kill it), may I suggest a tuna entrée with a light washer fluid sauce?

Then the birds are safe, the chipmunks again frolic, it's fairly untraceable (since what kind of freak does an autopsy on their pet?), and there's one less asshole in the world. It's a win-win situation.

<3

Mel

I might need to borrow that book.

squirrel_e_girl said...

Hey Mel!! I finished the book yesterday while I was trying not to look at scary people in scary green robes so lemme know when you'd like it and I'll get it to you...for a small fee, of course.
....and if her bewbs are preventing her from breathing properly thereby drastically reducing her quality of sleep, leaving her in a state of chronic exhaustion and are causing chronic bacterial throat infections because of all the disgusting chronic post nasal drip then ABSOLUTELY....a boob job it is :D
...and remind me to NOT ask you to cat sit for us when we go out of town. You frighten me...but I mean that in the nicest way possible :)

squirrel_e_girl said...

Hey Sweetie!! Thank you <3 xoxo

slam4win said...

I personally know you to be a 'literary genius' , who has no need to 'borrow' any idea from anyone. I lovelovelove your blogs. Now, I may be slightly biased, BUT being on the inside circle of your blogginess, I can truly attest and stand up in a court of blog that you and your blog are completely intertwined and one cannot separate your 'real life quirkiness' from your 'blog life literary genius mess '.... Haha autocorrect "genius-ness".

You my friend are a 'shooting star'

squirrel_e_girl said...

Who you callin' quirky???!!!! :D
Thanks so much for your promise of support, Mar!!! "court of blog" hahahahahahaha Yer super funny :D Love you!!! xo