Saturday, June 9, 2012

My Cat is an Asshole.

WARNING: This post contains scenes of violence and profane language that may offend some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

“Why I Hate My Cat” 
by: squirrel_e_girl

I hate my cat because he is an asshole.

You wanna know why he's an asshole??

He's an asshole because he is a cat.

And cats kill things.

Assholes.

He is an asshole who sucks little bits of joy out of my life so I guess that makes him a sort of vampire cat ....who is also an asshole.

He is a VAC (vampire asshole cat).

This spring, my asshole cat (whom I used to affectionately refer to as Rowdy) developed a particular fondness for wee Goldfinches. He would fling himself up into the air and snatch the poor unsuspecting finchies as they made their merry birdie way to my bird feeder to enjoy a tasty snack. It was quite a sight to behold and I beheld it only twice before my feelings of guilt got the better of me.

The aerial carnage was too much for me.

I couldn't live with the fact that my bird feeders were supplying my murderous ninja asshole cat a near constant supply of feathery fare. It was like shooting fish in a barrel...only it was more like slaughtering finches at a bird feeder.

Those of you who have been with me for awhile are well aware of how much I love(d) watching birds eat. It was with a heavy heart that I took my bird feeders down and retired them to a shelf in the garage...where they will stay until stupid Asshole Cat croaks or loses a leg in an unfortunate shark attack either of which would render him incapable of murdering birds.

And ever since I cut-off his supply of poultry, Asshole Cat has lowered his sights and now focuses his murderous ways on the  ground.

You know who lives on the ground??

Chipmunks.

You know what I love even more than watching birds eat??

Yep.

Chipmunks.

Last week, I had the horrible misfortune of having to listen helplessly as Asshole Cat killed a chipmunk he had expertly trapped under our deck .... Chipmunks do not go down quietly. Poor thing. :(

And this morning, whilst watering my flowers, I caught a small flurry of activity out of the corner of my eye. That small flurry of activity just happened to be Asshole Cat in the process of murdering yet another chipmunk.

Asshole.

Hoping to distract him from his nefarious task, I ran towards him, screaming like a one of those guys in Braveheart. He didn't even flinch so I pitched the water from my watering jug at him and he dropped the chippy but was lightning fast and snatched it right back up again.

Undaunted, I then hurled the actual watering jug itself at him. Unfortunately, it is a flimsy plastic Ikea product and, as such, not a very effective projectile. Also, as mentioned in a previous post, I am somewhat lacking in any sort of throwing skills so that lack of skill, coupled with the Swedes' lack of foresight when designing hefty watering jugs/chipmunk murder deterrents, made for a rather dismal show of preventative aggression.

But...

Luckily, I must've confused him with my jaw-droppingly awesome throw because he slackened his chomp on his adorable prey and it quickly slipped out from between his sharp pointy cat teeth and scampered, at an astonishingly high rate of speed, up the nearest tree to safety. Mind you, I did have to wrestle his would-be murderer to the ground as he shot up the tree after it.

The whole incident left me very unhappy.

And that is why I hate my cat.

THE END

For now...

I'll most likely forgive him soon and not hate him because he really is one of the coolest sweetest kitties I've ever met...he just also happens to kill goldfinches and chipmunks.

Asshole.

Here is video evidence of his assholery:










1 comment:

slam4win said...

I love the term 'assholery'. Lmao