Monday, August 6, 2012

Pssst! Sweetie! Pass the Popcorn, Please.. And the Rootbeer. Thanks! Do You Want Any Peanut Butter M&Ms?

The strangest thing happened to me tonight.

Well, actually 4 strangest things happened to me tonight.

Earlier this evening, The Girl, My Guy and I decided to go to the movies to see “The Dark Knight Rises”. We figured that it's been out for a few weeks so there was no real pressure to get there super early. 

We had a nice leisurely dinner at home. 

Hung out with the dogs in the yard.

I “pegged out” some laundry on the line. <----that's what my English boss calls it

Even towels, socks and unmentionables were pegged out ...three laundry items that, ever since I was a child and was forced to wear/use “crisp" (aka not even a little bit soft) line-dried towels/socks/ Mom was a pioneer like me... I've promised myself that I'd never again have to endure “crisp” towels/socks/panties but there is no end to the sacrifices us pioneers make in the name of pioneering.

In case you're keeping track, that was Strangest Thing #1.... “Pegging Out Laundry-Specifically....Towels/Socks/Gitch”


Moving on...

So, because we were in “no big rush, the movie’s been out for a few weeks”, we got to the theatre only 10 minutes before the movie starts...something that I just never ever do...ever. I am a total and complete FreakShow when it comes to getting to a movie early so I can get a good seat...

Dead centre. 

2nd....3rd...maybe 4th row from the back. 

Back row is AOK, too.

I actually have a mini teeny tiny anxiety attack while waiting in line to buy tickets/snacks each and every time I go to a movie. I cannot help myself. Spur of the moment strategies are devised in order to facilitate getting through the lineups in the shortest amount of time possible so that I can get into the actual theatre and get seated in my good seat.

So, the fact that we got to the theatre 10 minutes before showtime just happens to be Strangest Thing #2...”Getting to the Theatre Less Than One Half Hour Before Showtime”

I wasn't even the least bit bothered by our tardiness.

By the by...Strangest Thing #3...“Not Being The Least Bit Bothered By Our Tardiness”

Strangest Thing or Act of Remarkable Personal Growth? 

You be the judge.

As we casually strolled down the corridor to Theatre 3 where our movie was playing, My Guy pointed out a sign with a big number 3 on it standing in front of a whole lot of velvet ropey line-up thingies.

Empty velvet ropey line-up thingies. 


Velvet ropey line-up thingies.

Uh oh.

That did not bode well.


Cue not so teeny tiny anxiety attack.

So, I quickened our pace in through the doors and up the ramp and around the corner and...


A sight that turns my brain to a quivering blob of squirrel_e_ness...



The only empty bank of seats is the two stupid rows at the very stupid front of the stupid theatre.

No way in HELL am I going to sit in that purgatory.

I could not believe that I was actually one of *those* people I usually roll my eyes and look down my nose at easy feat, in case you were wondering... as I self-righteously proclaim to myself, “Self, how can anyone possibly expect to get 3 seats together if they arrive only 10 measly minutes before show time?? Silly stupid tardy people!!!”

I was a silly stupid tardy people!!!

But luckily, all was not lost. 

As I determinedly scanned the upper rows for some ray of hope, I spied, in the top far right corner, two free seats with one free seat separated by only two people.

Problem solved.

Crisis averted.


So, re-energized by my imminent and crafty not to mention, valiant escape from movie theatre no man’s land...why the hell do they even put those rows there in the first place, the  cruel sadistic bastards??? I led the charge up the stairs to our awaiting back-row seats...not dead centre but late-comers can't be choosers.

I reached my lofty destination and sweetly asked the nice older couple “Do you think it'd be possible if you could skootch over one seat so that my lovely family can sit together?”....or something to that effect....I probably dazzled him with my off-the-cuff, unrehearsed grammatically brilliant request...I am so good at that sort of thing

Strangest Thing #D...“Me Actually Having the Balls to Ask Someone to Skootch  Seats So That My Kid, My Guy and I Could Sit Together”.

Or, perhaps, more Remarkable Personal Growth??? Crazy???

I guess I kinda assumed the question to be just a sort of formality ...a rhetorical question, really, because of course you're going to skootch over a seat so that a lovely family can sit together...right??


This dude said, “No. I got here good and early so I could have these seats and there's no way I'm moving.”

To which I replied, “Really?? Oh...ok...thank you.”...and we turned and walked back down the stairs.

I actually said “thank you” to the big jerk. 

“thank you”???

I am such a weenie.

Who the hell refuses to skootch over a seat???


That guy.

Who the hell says “thank you” to a guy who just refused to skootch over a seat for them??


This guy.


Anyhow, we managed to find 3 empty just o.k. seats, mid-theatre but off to the right a little too much for my liking. And My Guy was awesome and took the loner seat just in front of the 2 seats together where The Girl and I sat, and we made do and handed our drink and bag of popcorn back and forth...probably annoying the bejeesus outta the people sitting beside us.

In hindsight, it would've been vindictively beautiful if we had’ve actually taken the seats on either side of No-Skootch Dude and his Wife and passed our snacks back and forth in front of them for the entire show.


Alas...we had to settle for annoying the innocents who we did end up sitting beside. Poor bastards.

And, as an added bonus, I got to listen to the delightful woman sitting beside me share rather loudly with her husband, some of the most ridiculous and unintentionally entertaining dumbass commentary I would’ve ever believed possible, on almost every aspect of the movie .


Also awesome was the fact that The Girl and I totally called the ending of the movie. 

Many Mother-Daughter fist bumps were executed. 

Which I'm sure annoyed no one in our immediate movie-viewing vicinity.




Shane said...


Laura said...

Oh my jesus.
You were one of "those people". :)

My sister in law Deb and I go to the movies almost every week. We go (like you usually do) extra special early to get our seats. First row behind the handicapped bar (so we can rest our feet). Woe be tied anyone that tries to move us.
(we would have moved for you though). I'm one of the snooties that sits there judging all the jerks that come in just as the movie is starting.. expecting to get seats together. :P

And crispy towels??? No, no, no! I grew up with those too. :P


LisaAnn said...

Hahahaha, had me laughing out loud, as usual!

squirrel_e_girl said...

Shane- Thank you!! <3 :)
Laura- Where the hell would we sit if we were ever to go to a movie together?? And, the tactile memory of crispy towels has haunted me since my childhood...*shudder*
LisaAnn - Thank you!! I'm happy I can make you laugh!!