Tuesday, December 11, 2012

"And the Cat Came Back, the very next day"....kinda sorta


A couple of times, in my past few posts, I've mysteriously alluded to the fact that my Rowdy Cat is a bit out of sorts, with each allusion immediately followed by a promise to write an explanatory post...because I'm sure you are all dying to know what's up with my wonky cat...right??



Some of you may remember a post I wrote back in the summer, charmingly titled, "My Cat is an Asshole". <— click on that hyperlink if you want to read it...or not.

I wrote that post because he, in fact, was an asshole.

Plain and simple. 

No getting around it.



I'll give you brief rundown of his assholery:

“A Comprehensive List of All the Asshole Things My Cat Did"
by: squirrel_e_girl

  • He murdered a whole bunch of chipmunks...and made me listen to it 
  • He murdered many many innocent birds
  • He made my little girl cat's life miserable...as is evident at the end of this video. He was a big ol bully.

  • If kept inside at night, he would wander around the house loudly complaining about being kept inside at night and would climb all over our bedroom demanding to go out and if we had our bedroom door closed he would hammer and scratch at the door enough to wake the dog up who would then bark like an idiot and wake us up.
  • If left outside at night, he would wander around outside our window loudly complaining about being left outside and if that didn't work, he'd claw at and/or climb the screen on the sliding door of our bedroom until we let him in....and then, regardless of the time, he would demand to be fed and then let outside...again.

Now, I've had cats my whole entire life and I know all the things I listed in the list above are all things that cats do ...because that's what cats do....


He seemed to take being a cat to a whole new level.

...and not in a good way.

And, he only came in the house to yell at us to feed him and then he yelled at us to let him out.

And, he wasn't cuddly or snuggly....so there was no redeeming behaviour to make up for all the crap stuff he did.

I have to admit that when/if I could get over the fact that he was a total pain in the ass asshole, he was also pretty f$@king funny. 

He was awesomely entertaining and was always making us laugh.

He never let any of the revolving door of dogs we have in our home boss him around...including an 85 lb Giant Schnauzer. If any dog did make a move on him, he’d hold his ground and smack the dog in the face once and that was the end of any insubordination.

Like the Honey Badger, crazy nastyass Rowdy Cat didn't give a shit.

He also gives great cat head butts. (if you lean in to say”hi” he’ll bonk you on the forehead with his forehead...it's awfully cute)

So, to explain why I'm writing about some of the asshole stuff he did in the past tense and some of the stuff he does in the present tense ...it's because we don't know if he’ll do any of that stuff he used to do... once he recovers from his “ordeal”.

To Explain:

At the end of the summer, a girl that My Guy works with, moved to her new husband’s family farm and they needed cats to live in the barn and kill stuff...

You see where I'm going with this??

Well...as it turned out...

....we had a cat who liked to live outside and loved to kill stuff and who didn't seem to much care for us, his family/minions.

So...after a whole big bunch of thought and deliberation, we, as a family, decided that Asshole Cat would fare quite well on a farm working as a hired assassin. He'd love being outside all the time, patrolling the barn and the fields.

... and if, as a side-effect,we would, once again, be able to sleep and our Little Girl Cat would, once again, be able to live a life free of intimidation and physical violence...could it really be a bad thing??


Sounded like a super great idea at the time.


So...before the end of Labour Day weekend, Asshole Cat was relocated to a chicken farm 45 minutes away.


Almost immediately, we regretted our decision.

We decided to give it time and allow everyone to settle in...

 ....once Rowdy came out of hiding and stopped hissing and growling at his lovely new people....


Well, he did settle in and made himself at home in the barn and surrounding fields and things were going swimmingly...

...and then the shipment of baby chickens arrived and the barn was closed up and off-limits to the kitties....Understandable since murderous felines and 28 000 helpless baby chicks don't mix so well.

Apparently, Rowdy did not appreciate being kicked out of his new stomping grounds and hadn't yet warmed up to his newest new digs(the specially constructed Cat Shed) and....

He buggered off.

They didn't see him for weeks and then, only once caught a quick glimpse of him hunting in a neighbouring field.

None of this sat well with my guilt-ridden soul and I felt like a horrible HORRIBLE person and felt crazily guilty every time I saw another cat...especially other black cats....at work....or on Pinterest 

Do you know how many fu*king cat pictures are on Pinterest???

 Well...I'll tell you

.... A Whole F&@KING Lot!!! 

Do you know how many pics of BLACK cats are on Pinterest at Halloween?? 

You wouldn't believe me if I told you. 

I was super duper worried about my little black cat being out and about all alone and who knows where on Halloween night...people have been known to do yucky things to black kitties on All Hallow's Eve.... That's if he even was still alive then :(

There are also far too many posts on Pinterest about how adopting a pet is a serious thing not be taken lightly and that it’s a forever thing and that pets love their families and only ask for love in return...that sort of thing. I'll try to post some of these gems so you can see what I was up against.

I'm enough of a bleeding heart animal lover that I didn't need other bleeding heart animal lovers makin’ me feel like an asshole for casting aside my adopted cat.

When it turned cold and snowy, I felt even more like an asshole, wondering how my little guy was keeping warm out there in the wilds...if he was still alive even....


And then...

A week and a half ago...

My Sweetie called me and he had just heard from Rowdy’s Farm Mom that he had returned!!

Nearly 3 months after buggering off!!

So, that night, we hopped in the car, cat crate in hand, and Me and My Guy and The Girl drove 45 minutes through the cold dark night to reclaim our prodigal kitty.

We arrived at the farm and the Cat Hand-Off was made in dark of the yard and we whisked him off to the car and we drove approximately 37 seconds before I had to switch places with The Girl so I could sit in the back with my head resting on the crate with my hand stuck inside, scratching the cold pile of skin and bones that used to be my beautiful big strong sleek black cat.

I was a disaster. 

I pretty much sobbed for the entire trip home and beat myself up and berated myself and wallowed in a big puddle of mean old cat-ditcher guilt.

Man oh man....have I ever mentioned that I am a bit of a wienie?? 

So, we get him home and in the light he looks way less horrible than he had felt in the dark of the car. He was still skin and bones and weak and wobbly but his coat was still surprisingly sleek and shiny ...even if it was hanging on a skeleton.

And the big yucky lump on his neck that I had imagined to be a cancerous tumor for the whole ride home turned out to be a tick...


It looked like this:


And I gave it a gentle tug and it popped off like it was nothing.
(don't try this at home kids....you're not supposed to pull ticks off all willy nilly like because their little bloodsucking head stays in the skin there can be a whole lot of trouble but this guy must've been full to the brim ’cause he just fell off) I took it to the bathroom sink and tried to squish it in toilet paper and it was about as hard as a marble and when it finally did, it “POPPED” and exploded and scared the bejeezus outta me and My Guy....I think we both screamed like little girls...one of us actually is a girl therefore screaming like a little girl is way less embarrassing for that certain person ;)

The poor little guy knew exactly where he was and remembered us and curled up under a nice warm light and fell asleep for the night.

I brought him to the vet the next morning for a check-up...explaining that he had been missing for almost 3 months and had just showed up again the night before....omitting the part of the story that would’ve detailed how he was missing NOT from my home but from the farm we had given him, thereby NOT exposing myself as a cat-ditcher. I'm not saying it was the noble thing to do...but one can't always be noble can one??? Well...that's what I'm telling myself anyway.

He was given a tentative clean bill of health....in spite of being in a state of acute starvation and having a rather low core body temperature... I was instructed to feed him many wee meals throughout the day so as not to overtax his system and send his liver into shock... and to keep him inside as long as possible.

He lost over 4 lbs but is otherwise ok and, a week and a half later, he looks *almost* back to normal. His hip bones still jut out but his ribs and skull have some padding on them now.

He is still ravenous and has graciously lost his voice (from yelling for food) so he can only mime for food now :)

It's pretty funny. His voice sometimes makes a raspy reappearance which has earned him the name Smoker Cat.

He didn't even attempt to go outside until a couple of days ago.

Despite mistaking his bed and my Clean Towel Basket for a kitty litter in the first day or so of getting home ....which is understandable and forgivable ...and, I'm blaming it on a probable and well-earned bout of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome ...he’s back in the rhythm and flow of the household. 

We were sadly giggling imagining him waking up that first morning back at home,  looking around, rubbing his eyes and thinking, “Holy Shit!!!...that was the worst dream EVER!!!”

He and The Little Girl Cat now snuggle up and sleep together ...which never ever happened before ...and that's awfully sweet. Although as I write this, he just leaned over and chomped on her ear...uh oh...a sign of things to come??

Snuggle Buddies :)

Roo looking absolutely thrilled to have Rowdy home.

Will Asshole Cat return??

Once he gets his strength back, I'm sure he will return to his murderous ways and our rodent/bird population, after enjoying a hearty surge this fall, will no doubt dwindle back to its piddly summer self. 

And I'm prepared to deal with that. 

The newly re-erected bird feeders will re-retire back to their shelf in the garage and I will bid adieu to the pair of cardinals, the hundreds of chickadee-dee-dees and goldfinches and nuthatches that have entertained me for the past couple of months.

I hold out a faint glimmer of hope that he will retain his new kinder gentler personality and that he and Roo will remain snuggle buddies.

I also have almost convinced myself that he will exhibit admirable self-control and will decide to respect our sleeping habits....

If not, I have committed myself to living peacefully alongside whichever cat he decides to be....

Asshole Cat??

Rowdy Cat???

Rowdy the Asshole-ish Cat???

Fingers crossed.

And for now, I'll just have to make sure I sniff my towels before I use them to dry my face...


p.s. This song has been going through my head ever since my Cat Came Back...


Laura said...

Wow! That is quite the tale. I'm happy that you got him back. We have a black cat too (that just showed up in our neighbourhood about 5 years ago-once it started getting cold we took him in).. and I LOVE them.

I suppose it's understandable that he's having some "issues" since he went through so much. But who knew it would all go down like that. You figured he'd be happier. At least you got him back. I'm sure he's relieved to be back with his family. :)

Sometimes Pinterest is just awful.


Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Yeah, all cats are assholes, but they have these powers... as you learned. You just can't stay mad at them. My co-worker Fred eats a squirrel a day (sorry!), even though he gets fed regularly.

The image of cute little goldfinches getting eaten is pretty horrible. Could you hang the feeders higher?

squirrel_e_girl said...

Laura - Thanks for being so sweet!! And black cats ARE awesome and beautiful!!

BBBB - I hadn't thought of hanging the feeders higher...hmmmm...It'd involve purchasing a taller hanger-upper ...definitely worth considering. Thing is, he also likes to terrorize the mourning doves and all the other ground feeders...I'd love to put a little fence around the feeder area to make it a little more challenging for him.

And, Fred is dead to me. ;)