Saturday, December 8, 2012

Down With Junipers!!!

Wanna hear the absoute grossest thing almost ever?!!

To set the stage:

OK, so, I've  just finished a lovely long hot shower and, smelling all clean and beautiful and clean, I reach out and grab the fresh clean towel I had set out pre-shower... 

I bring the fresh clean towel up to rub my face dry and, much to my dismay, mid-face rub, I unfortunately discover that...



And then I grab another fresh clean towel out of the fresh clean towel basket and it too....



And then I grab yet another fresh clean towel out of the fresh clean towel basket and it too ....



Which is super horrible enough in and of itself...


As a very few of you know, I f#%king HATE the smell of cat pee. 

I loathe it.

I abhor it.

In fact, cat pee ranks as my absolute least favourite smell of any and all smells that exist on this fair planet!!! 

In fact, I have seriously contemplated spear-heading a movement to eradicate the world's juniper bush population because they smell like cat pee. 

Junipers are everywhere and they are always launching surprise attacks on my olfactory senses. 

For example:

There is a great recreational trail that runs along the waterfront in the city where I live and, every single time I stroll down this trail ....every single time...and I pass a certain point on the trail, my nose sniffs and my brain says, "fuck-it-smells-like-cat-pee-I-fucking-hate-the-smell-of-cat-pee" and my eyes scan the area for the source of the smell of cat pee and spot a bunch of juniper bushes...the very same bunch of juniper bushes that has been there for the past 16 or so years...and my brain says, "you dumbass, it's not cat pee, it's the juniper bushes that have been there for the past 16 or so years. They fool you each and every time you walk this trail. Dumbass."

Of course, this entire internal exchange of thoughts takes a good .74 seconds to process...

Every single time I walk on that trail.

Sneaky junipers.


Anyhow, what a crap way to wreck what really was a beautiful shower.

(and there's actually a second part to this story involving the fourth towel I grabbed to dry off my freshly re-scrubbed face that is almost equally as gross but since my parents and my kids sometimes read this, I'm not gonna elaborate...but, trust me, it did not elevate my mood any...yuck)

And now I just realized that I should probably explain why my fresh clean towel basket contains an over-abundance of fresh clean towels that smell of cat pee...

Well, my Rowdy Cat, for reasons beyond his control (upcoming blog post) just happened to pee on a towel he had been sleeping on and I, in a bizarrely un-me move, threw that be-peed towel in washing machine with a load of other towels.


Realizing my mistake, that one does not wash a cat pee-laden towel with other towels unless,of course, one wants them all to smell of cat pee, I re-washed that whole load of towels two more times ...with extra detergent and hot water ...and dried them with a couple of nice-smelling dryer sheets. 

I wrongly assumed that'd do the trick and undo my unthinkable laundry indiscretion.

Apparently not.

Cat pee will out.

...and my face will end up smelling like cat pee...all up inside my nose and everything.



Laura said...

That's an awful story. I'm so sorry that you, who had just had what sounds like, an EXTREMELY wonderful shower were assaulted so. :(

I had no idea that you should not wash a towel with cat pee on it with anything else! I learned something new today. Thank you!

P.S. My mind has decided upon something really dirty (aka dirt-eh hubba hubba) for towel #4.


Big Bad Bald Bastard said...

Ugh, between the cat-pee junipers and the semen trees, you'd better stay indoors!

Melissa Smart said...

Ummm, so you know how to avoid that in the future right? And you live in the country where a random coyote attack could be blamed.

Just sayin'

Geez, don't get so pissy.